They don't have blackberries.
The world is divided in two.
People who are normal, and people who have Blackberries.
I own one. So let this article sing as an anthem of self hate.
Hey, that wasn’t a half-bad line. Usually I have like three “boobs” in the first two sentences.
I'm friending this woman later.
Being on Facebook means sharing, caring, being friends.
Sorry, I was watching Treehouse TV and that was one of their things.
Don’t ask why a 32 year old man’s watching Treehouse alone on a weekday. The answer’s cold and painful.
I like how they...
The world of Facebook is divided in ten.
Ten types of personalities. Ten distinct characters.
And guess what?
You’re one of them.
Or maybe not. I can’t do every type. That would take hours to write and you’ll zone out into a coma mid-way and go who’s this fat blogger...
This is actually how creepy you are.
Right now, you probably think you’re normal.
I know you. Beneath your cheery smile is dark nerdy evil. And your satanic lord is Facebook. Once you log on, you can’t resist yourself. You stalk people.
A common scene in my life. (Except with way fatter chicks)
Have you ever been blocked by someone on Facebook or Twitter?
That was rhetorical, dopey.
You’ve been blocked.
There’s been a point in time where someone evaluated your contribution to their world and said:
It seems like everyone follows the exact same celebrities on Twitter.
Ashton Kutcher, Tom Hanks, Alyssa Milano, Bronson Pinchot from TV’s Perfect Strangers.
OK, not Bronson Pinchot.
We live in an unjust world.
But today, I’ll introduce you to a few people who are celebrities in their own...
Dear Celebrity on Twitter,
If you’re reading this letter, it’s because someone tweeted it to you.
They probably added ‘LOLZ’ or a horrible smiley face and made a comment like just givin’ it a shot. Who knows!, then acted like they didn’t care if you read this.
People can’t believe Facebook would compromise their privacy.
I’m so pissed at Facebook! They don’t respect my privacy.
BTW here’s a picture of my bum you guys!
And there’s the rub. People are mad Facebook isn’t protecting themselves against themselves.
For more pointless flow charts, follow me on Twitter here. Although, I won’t lie. I’ll try to send you a twitpic of my package.
Email me here: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jilted by a lover? Hate someone’s ugly face?
Here are eleven ways you can become their worst Facebook nightmare.
1. Add All Of Their Asian Friends.
Everyone hates the guy who adds everyone else’s friends. But don’t be conventional.
When they see that all of your mutual...