When I was a kid, my mom told me not to talk to strangers. Even if they offered me candy. Strangers might offer you chocolate my mom would say.  Just to get you to go with them. I was a fat kid.  I would totally go with them. Then they’ll kill you. And there’s the rub. We were paranoid...

Ever since English was invented, there’s been a swath of phrases that annoy everyone. Like that? Swath? I read books now. I asked my tiny friends on Facebook for suggestions on some of their most hated phrases.  They gave me well over 70. I’m going to trim it down to 10 of the most vile. If...

The Olympics are being hosted on the same part of the planet I’m stepping on right now. Canada. In tribute to this, I’ve decided to honour my nation’s people the only way I know how. By totally making fun of them. If you’re not Canadian, you might know a Canadian or someone you...

God may have shortchanged me. I wanted a young, taut body.  He gave me a lumpy mess. I wanted a super hot chick.  He gave me XBOX Live. I wanted writing success.  He gave me a blog that’s consistently beat by cats playing with string. And still, I believe. I believe God, aka He-Man, will deliver...

Unfortunately, this will make sense later. It’s no secret that you need to be liked. You’re emotionally fragile. You read the headline above and needed to know. Do people on Twitter like me? Each day you pump your tiny fingers and tweet random crap about your life.  What you ate for breakfast....

Of all the fallen empires, I like England the most. Athens, Rome?  Kind of hot. Mongolia? Please. It’s England.  I holidayed there a few years ago.  Alone, of course. I wandered the streets of London, from pub to pub.  Eating jacket potatoes and taking in the culture. Trying to totally do...

In my head, this is what the teachers at the school looked like. Recently, I judged a speech arts competition for fourth and fifth graders. This is the most I’ve done in seventeen months.  Judge a contest. Ladies?  That’s called being driven. A dozen tiny contestants took the stage to...

Reports today indicate Elin Norde.. Nordege.. Nordegr.. Reports today indicate Elin is going to file for divorce. This is good news.   I feel for Elin. She’s a super hot chick.  Super hot.  If she ever let me date her, I’d never cheat on her. I’ve been single for so long, I’d...

There are several things that annoy everyone.  Clowns, mimes, protruding nostril hair, and those people that open a door for you but you’re still too far away, so you have to speed up to get there, and then when you do they expect you to thank them. Way to be helpful. However, allow me to introduce...

Sometimes I feel like I’m not an expert on a subject. When I talk about Twitter, Facebook, even life. Now re-read the title of this post. Yes. I got this shit. I’ve been turning off women since the Reagan Administration.  And I was just a startlingly obese boy back then. My first crush...