5 Reasons You Don’t Need a Gay Best Friend.

5 Reasons You Don’t Need a Gay Best Friend.
Ask any woman you know if she’d like a gay best friend. I’d do it, but I barely know any women. I’m no Clooney. The answer is yes.  They’d love a gay best friend. How fun would that be, right?! Shopping, movies, chit chat!  The best part? They’re not trying to totally...

5 Reasons To Never Use The Word “Literally”

5 Reasons To Never Use The Word “Literally”
Even this kitten thinks you're an idiot. Deep within the bowels of society, a new enemy rests. A word. A word ready to burst out of the badonkadonk of pop culture and destroy us all with its pungent smell. The word ‘literally’. If you’ve heard it and used it, you’re part...

10 Signs The Apple iPad Has Made You The Most Annoying Person Ever.

10 Signs The Apple iPad Has Made You The Most Annoying Person Ever.
When Apple released the iPad, something strange happened. Regular people became alarming shitheads. It was like the iPad was the ring, and they all became the creature Gollum. The following article isn’t a knock on the iPad.  I think the product looks great.  In fact, if my mom lets me, I’ll buy...

9 Signs You’re Talking To A New Yorker.

9 Signs You’re Talking To A New Yorker.
I traveled to New York City recently. I was greeted with vitriolic anger and extreme doucheyness. God I love New York. I stood at the exact spot Kevin reunited with his parents in Home Alone 2 and fought back tears.  I fed pigeons in Central Park whom I later yelled at.  I tinkled in a taxi to maintain...

The Most Insulting Intern Job Posting Ever.

The Most Insulting Intern Job Posting Ever.
As you know, I hire interns. And by “hire” I mean not pay. And by “interns” I mean pretty much anyone. Could be you! This April, I will be hiring 10 interns. The job description is as follows: – Harassing super hot celebrities who have blocked me on Twitter – Downloading...

10 Rules Real Men Never Break.

10 Rules Real Men Never Break.
If anyone can teach you how to be a real man, it’s me. I come from a long line of real men.  My dad once beat up Santa Claus because he was breaking into our house. That’s what I was told on a toyless Christmas morning. If you want to be a real man, don’t break these ten rules. 1....

7 Signs You’re Taking Yourself Too Seriously On The Internet.

7 Signs You’re Taking Yourself Too Seriously On The Internet.
It’s easy to be an egotistical maniac in social media. Within this safe cocoon, you’re liked.  Appreciated.  Respected. Outside it, you’re an alarming shithead. I, on the other hand, have found away to be the latter in both. You had to look up what “latter” meant, didn’t...

5 Steps To Seduce Any Woman On Facebook.

5 Steps To Seduce Any Woman On Facebook.
1. Leave A Passive-Aggressive Comment On Her Relationship Status When She Announces She’s Single. Finally!  After years of dating a guy you know you’re better than, she’s broken it off. Now it’s time to strike. DON’T: Tell her you totally want to do her and you’ve...

5 Reasons Why We All Click On Lists.

5 Reasons Why We All Click On Lists.
This man has created a monster. As you survey the Internet each day, you’re assaulted with information. Health care reform.  Pass. Tiger Woods is a whore.  Pass. 15 New Fruits You Haven’t Discovered Yet. Fuck yes. Why? Why do we suddenly care about fruit? Here’s why. 5 Reasons Why...

The 7 Things You’re Not Allowed To Say About Someone’s Appearance.

The 7 Things You’re Not Allowed To Say About Someone’s Appearance.
This will make sense later. The following post may offend you. You might own some of the afflictions I list, and cry all over yourself after reading this. Then you’ll flee my website to take shelter in the nourishing bosom of a lolcat. Devastating. But I have to write this, regardless of who I...

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