10 Reasons To Bury Your Blackberry

They don't have blackberries.

They don't have blackberries.

The world is divided in two.

People who are normal, and people who have Blackberries.

I own one.  So let this article sing as an anthem of self hate.

Hey, that wasn’t a half-bad line.  Usually I have like three “boobs” in the first two sentences.

Ha!

Three boobs.

Let’s get started.

1. It’s Pretty Much A Pager Now.

Have you ever, ever heard someone say “I gotta buy the new blackberry”.

Nope.

Blackberry 10 is coming out so you’re stupid for even writing this article.

Yeah.  And what do we hear about that?  People say “I want to check out the Blackberry 10″.  They don’t even commit to buying it hypothetically.

2. Nobody Cares About BBM Except You And The Terrible People On Your BBM.

The rally cry for the blackberry is that it has BBM, a messenger you use to talk to people anywhere in the world for free.

Like all messengers.

Slowly though, more and more people have left my BBM for better phones.

Now it’s just me and some guy named Todd.

And Todd will message me and say “Hey man” and he SEES that I read his message so I feel guilty and respond back.

And now I’m having a conversation with Todd.

Todd sucks.

3. Other Phones Have Keyboards Now.

A point us blackberry owners will make is this:

“I can’t type on a screen.  I need a keyboard.”

Other phones have keyboards.  Blackberry doesn’t own a monopoly on buttons.

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4. It’s Secure But Really, Nothing You Do Requires All That Much Security.

What, your conversation with Todd can’t be compromised?

5. Nothing Will Ever Be Optimized For Us.

I get jealous when I go to a website optimized for an iPhone.  Just once, I’d like something optimized for my blackberry.

I guess I could optimize my own website for blackberry if I really-

Nah.

Way too lazy.

6. Our App World Is A Lonely Planet.

I went to our App World and the best app I could find was called Weather.

It tells me the weather.

So yeah.

I know the weather.

7. If You Steal My Blackberry, You Deserve It.

“Oh crap, I forgot my phone” doesn’t scare us as much as it scares you.

We go back and it’s always there.

8. I Want To Instagram.

I see sunsets too.  I’d like to take pictures of them and hashtag #pretty.  I want to take pictures of my bellinis and hashtag #fundrinksarefun.

That’s what my blackberry has driven me to want.

9.  WTF IS A PIN????

And you know what?  Nobody cares.

10. Blackberry 10 Is Our Saviour

You’ll probably tell me that Blackberry 10 is coming and everything will change.

Where was Blackberry 1 – 9?

We’ve been Blackberry 1 for a long time.

Many of you are saying get a new phone. And you’re right, I should, but there’s a special place in my heart for my blackberry.  It’s been with me forever.  I want to be one of the last guys out, shutting the gates.

Just me and Todd.


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  • Meilseoir Schwartzthal

    Well, "Tremendous", I'm not sure if this is good news or if it is bad news, for you and "Todd": It seems "Todd" could still bother you....even if he switched....

    "BBM: Now available on Android and iPhone."

    http://view.b.blackberry.com/?...

    Although though perhaps there are many that are just too social (they just like Apps) to even care, some of us actually do care: that BlackBerry Z10 and Q10 both support flash....and iPhone 5 does not. There's real sites that don't work on iPhone (or Android, though at least Android won't force you to use iTunes to transfer files unless you just want to copy photos and videos).
    I'm not just talking "social networking".

    From web-browsing to mobile-browsing, including "new" versions of websites like Yahoo! Mail, as well as new developments in devices, operating sytems, and technology in general, it seems the common focus of every "improvement" seems mostly geared toward making technology usable for a younger and younger user. Detechnicalizing everything. Dumbing it down. Making everything almost toddler-friendly.

    I'll leave them their user friendly prettyness (their "oh boy" is my "oh brother") in favor real functionality. There is more to browsing than boiling one aspect of it into an app. But I suppose it depends. To each their own.

  • Benjamin L. Hansen
  • Carl Swanson

    besides even some celebrities like woody allen and nietzkov doesn't have a blackberry

  • I think that your perspective is deep, its just well thought out and really fantastic to see someone who knows how to put these thoughts down so well.

  • What you put out quite accurately. I think many people will be convinced by your posts.

  • Carl Swanson

    HAHAHAHAHA Daryl.camera? keyboard? video chat? Those aren't new things. It's like all those a-holes who got so excited when they discovered an RDP client was coming out for the playbook. Acted like it was brand new and other phones weren't already doing that for 3 or 4 years.

  • Blackberry still runs on RIM, but if you tell people how excited you are to be rimmed, they start looking at you in a totally different way.

  • Daryl

    Sad, sad, sad. Take a look at the innovation of the BlackBerry 10. Take a good look at the hub, camera, keyboard, BBM Video chat with file sharing, flow and yes security. This is just some of the innovation they have shared. Not to mention the amazing browser and their new BlackBerry world.

    Site back with a glass of red wine and tour YouTube and see if you still want to keep your eyes closed.

  • Vida

    LOVED it! as someone who was once deeply attached to her blackberry for bbm/keyboard and lack of interest in trying something new, I have to say you're right on all the points. I also have a lot of friends who go on and on about blackberry 10 or as I'd like to call it 'iphone with the blackberry logo' ...it's not all that it's hyped up to be and RIM is going down- unfortunate but true.

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