The world is divided in two.
People who are normal, and people who have Blackberries.
I own one. So let this article sing as an anthem of self hate.
Hey, that wasn’t a half-bad line. Usually I have like three “boobs” in the first two sentences.
Let’s get started.
1. It’s Pretty Much A Pager Now.
Have you ever, ever heard someone say “I gotta buy the new blackberry”.
Blackberry 10 is coming out so you’re stupid for even writing this article.
Yeah. And what do we hear about that? People say “I want to check out the Blackberry 10”. They don’t even commit to buying it hypothetically.
2. Nobody Cares About BBM Except You And The Terrible People On Your BBM.
The rally cry for the blackberry is that it has BBM, a messenger you use to talk to people anywhere in the world for free.
Like all messengers.
Slowly though, more and more people have left my BBM for better phones.
Now it’s just me and some guy named Todd.
And Todd will message me and say “Hey man” and he SEES that I read his message so I feel guilty and respond back.
And now I’m having a conversation with Todd.
3. Other Phones Have Keyboards Now.
A point us blackberry owners will make is this:
“I can’t type on a screen. I need a keyboard.”
Other phones have keyboards. Blackberry doesn’t own a monopoly on buttons.
4. It’s Secure But Really, Nothing You Do Requires All That Much Security.
What, your conversation with Todd can’t be compromised?
5. Nothing Will Ever Be Optimized For Us.
I get jealous when I go to a website optimized for an iPhone. Just once, I’d like something optimized for my blackberry.
I guess I could optimize my own website for blackberry if I really-
Way too lazy.
6. Our App World Is A Lonely Planet.
I went to our App World and the best app I could find was called Weather.
It tells me the weather.
I know the weather.
7. If You Steal My Blackberry, You Deserve It.
“Oh crap, I forgot my phone” doesn’t scare us as much as it scares you.
We go back and it’s always there.
8. I Want To Instagram.
I see sunsets too. I’d like to take pictures of them and hashtag #pretty. I want to take pictures of my bellinis and hashtag #fundrinksarefun.
That’s what my blackberry has driven me to want.
9. WTF IS A PIN????
And you know what? Nobody cares.
10. Blackberry 10 Is Our Saviour
You’ll probably tell me that Blackberry 10 is coming and everything will change.
Where was Blackberry 1 – 9?
We’ve been Blackberry 1 for a long time.
Many of you are saying get a new phone. And you’re right, I should, but there’s a special place in my heart for my blackberry. It’s been with me forever. I want to be one of the last guys out, shutting the gates.
Just me and Todd.