Being on Facebook means sharing, caring, being friends.
Sorry, I was watching Treehouse TV and that was one of their things.
Don’t ask why a 32 year old man’s watching Treehouse alone on a weekday. The answer’s cold and painful.
I like how they have different colors.
Facebook’s funny. There’s unwritten rules we all understand. And when one of them is shattered, we delight in the shame.
Here’s ten mistakes we see on Facebook every day.
1. Liking a Status That’s For Sure Not Supposed to Be Liked.
A helicopter landed upside down on my dad and now he’s dead.
My cat smelled weird and now she’s dead.
Just found out I have a cold. In my boobs!
If it’s a debate, don’t like it.
2. Liking People’s Pictures Really-Really Late at Night.
Just say, “wanna do me?” Because that’s what that means.
3. Liking Things That Show People Who You Are, Even Though You’ve Tried Hard To Cover That Up Completely.
The other day I liked “Les Miserables” on Facebook because I enjoy cry-dancing in my room to the song “On My Own”. That would be cool if I were a 65 year old woman from Orlando. But I’m a fat middle-aged man.
So now people are like “yeah he likes on my own because he’ll always be on HIS own.”
And that shatters my emoticons.
4. Inviting Us To Your Horrible Event, Then We Get Notifications so We Have To Physically Click “Not Going”
We don’t care about the minute details of your event. Is minute a word? Did I use it correctly? I feel like I did.
I’m creating an event to celebrate this.
5. Adding Someone On Facebook Thirty Seconds After Meeting Them.
I know this is creepy because I do it, but you should try not to.
It screams “This is me emptying the bottom drawer of my dignity”.
6. Adding Someone From Your “People You May Know Window”
The people assembled in your PYMKW are society’s lepers, discarded by all to live a nomad life of non-existence. They’re not your friends. They’re not anyone’s friends.
Think about it.
You see them every day.
And they can’t even get you to click a button.
7. Posting a Downward Shot Of Your Legs Tanning.
When did this become the hallmark of every girl’s vacation?
We get it. Your legs are browner.
What are we supposed to do with this now.
8. Making Your Cover Picture Also You.
Your profile picture is you and behind it is a nice huge picture of …you.
You’re a big fan.
But this is like having your cellphone background be a picture of you and then calling yourself.
9. Passive-Aggressively Posting Quotes About Life Even Though We Know Specifically Who You’re Talking About.
“A Real Man Never Leaves A Woman” is a nice quote in general, but you’ve been divorced for a week so we know it’s about him. I’d say just write him but he’s probably in your People You May Know Window.
10. Posting Pictures Of Your Text Message With Your Friend
This never is as funny as it was when you texted your friend. And now your friend’s embarrassed that everyone knows you have their number.
That could be just what they say about me.
There you have it. The ten big fat mistakes you make on Facebook.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a song I wanna play in my room.
Facebook like my pictures really-really late at night here.