The world of Facebook is divided in ten.
Ten types of personalities. Ten distinct characters.
And guess what?
You’re one of them.
Or maybe not. I can’t do every type. That would take hours to write and you’ll zone out into a coma mid-way and go who’s this fat blogger dude again? Remind me to send a picture of my package to him.
In my mind all of you are Anthony Weiner.
You’re my Ant Weiners.
That made me smile.
Let’s get to it. The ten types of Facebook friends.
1. The Girl Who Never Gets Your/You’re Right. Ever.
Just once you want to see a post from her where she just nails it. Will she today when she tells her friend Cindy your my girl 4ever bitch! ?
This girl also has a mortal enemy. The Guy Who Always Corrects Her. That guy is so anal retentive a small part of him dies every time she posts.
But he still wants to totally do her.
He’s a guy.
2. The People Who Post Inspiring Quotes They Somehow Hope Will Reflect Well On Them.
Why craft an original thought when you can CTRL-V Gandhi. Although this might be good because if they’re not quoting Martin Luther King or Mark Twain, they’re writing your my girl 4ever bitch!
3. The People Who Claim They’re Never On Facebook Yet Know Everything Everyone Is Doing.
If you ask these people if they’ve been on Facebook lately they’ll tell you how long it’s been since they logged in because they’re so busy.
Then they’ll ask if you’ve seen how crappy a high school friend looks in a bikini.
Wait, you ran into Kara?
Uh, yeah! Yesterday.
And she was wearing a bikini?
Yeah. She’s a huge lardy-butt now.
But it’s January. And we live in Canada.
4. The Guy Who Reports Every Location He’s Visited That Day.
Have you ever written this status update?
Just checked into the Starbucks at Crescent Heights and Pico. Yummers!
People have used it to avoid going to the Starbucks at Crescent Heights and Pico.
Because you say yummers.
5. The Guy Who Thinks Everyone’s An Idiot Except Himself.
Seriously. Why are people such idiots.
Has anyone learned how to DRIVE in this city?
Meanwhile this person is updating Facebook while driving over a blind lady from Wyoming.
I worked Wyoming into something.
6. The Girl Who Thinks She’s A Celebrity But Really, She Works At Lowes.
Every post is a recent modelling shot. Also, she’ll name drop everyone she knows to let you know she’s at the cusp of making it.
Yet on Saturday you saw her at work and asked what aisle the DeWalt 3/4″ drill bits are.
I had to look that up.
Just once, can’t I feel like a real man?
7. The Girl Who Gives Us Too Much Information.
I had a Facebook friend who once removed a cast she had on her leg for six weeks and posted:
My foot smells RIPE!
What am I supposed to do with that.
8. The Guy Who Pokes You Thinking It Will Lead To Sex.
Ladies, guys like this exist. They’ll send you a harmless fun little poke and if you poke back they feel coitus is consensual.
9. ‘The People You May Know’ Guy.
You really shouldn’t have added this guy but you saw his lonely face in your ‘People You May Know’ window and felt bad.
You know who Betty White has in her ‘People You May Know’ window?
Are you workshopping material on your blog?
I’m sorry, I’m sorry.
But good, right?
10. The Guy Who Will Add Your Friends Even Though He Doesn’t Know Them.
You met him through a friend, added him. You had one mutual friend.
Now you have 36. One of them is your mom.
And he’s poking her.
There you have it. I may have left out a few including douchebag writer who writes blog posts about Facebook friends.
Maybe you can think of some more.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to use my Betty White pilgrim joke on people who actually like my jokes.
Facebook? Add my moobs here.