The Birthday Card I Wrote To Myself.


Today, I turn 30.

I woke up in my basement to a nice card left by my roommate/mom.


I probably won’t get another card.  I have a couple of friends but nobody’s going to put in the effort to get me a card. That’s exhausting.  You have to go to the store, shuffle through a herd of yentas reading cards, each of them summoning up pain from a former flame they had before they got all gross and old, dying a little inside because they can never be young again, then head to the cashier, to buy just one card.  Do I need a bag?  For a card?  It’s just a card.  But then I gotta carry that shit outside and look like an idiot with my dopey glitter card.

I’m not sure why I need glitter.

I just need glitter.

And now I’m carrying my glitter card on the bus.  And there’s a dude listening to his iPod to the Black Eye Peas.  I Got A Feeling.


You’re really going to blast ‘I Got A Feeling’, shithead?

So yeah.

Nobody’s going to get me a card.


When I was just a tiny-tiny blob of a boy.

So I decided to write my own card.  To myself.

Happy Birthday dummy.

You’re thirty now.  It’s enough already.  Enough with the living at home still.  Unemployment.  Waking up whenever you want.  Dancing in your room to Jewel.  You got moobs.  We get it.  You got freakin’ moobs man.  Who cares.  Other dudes with moobs are doing things with their lives.  Have you SEEN Simon Cowell?  And his man-tits have shape.  Like, actual boob-curve.  Like, if that dude was a chick in junior high, all the other kids would love him.

You see?

Right there, you just equated Simon Cowell to a chick in Junior High.  That’s what I mean.

You’re an idiot.

You always talk about wanting to totally do super hot chicks but what super hot chick wants the baggage you come with?  Actual baggage.  Like, your DVD boxed sets of Golden Girls.  Who wants that.  Chicks don’t want that.  Take an inventory of yourself.  An inventory.  And then see if you’ve named even ONE quality chicks desire.


You just thought ‘personality’ didn’t you?  You only have personality on the Internet man.  And even then, barely.  I mean, if your blog disappeared, Twitter, Facebook, Friendster, hi5, CompuServ, you think anyone would care?  And why are you still on CompuServ?  You’re medieval.

The point is, they wouldn’t.

Anyway, I’m getting bored writing a card to myself.  That’s how interesting you are.  You bore your own self.  And this glitter card is really shitty.  Now you got glitter all over your bed.  Because that’s what your mom wants to do.  Clean up glitter from his 30 year old son’s bed that’s NOT left from a stripper.

You sicken me.

Happy B-day Dee!

love love,



My mom and I.

  • Flurtee Gonzales

    Do I need a bag? For a card? It’s just a card. But then I gotta carry
    that shit outside and look like an idiot with my dopey glitter card.


  • It’s just a card.  But then I gotta carry that shit outside and look like an idiot with my dopey glitter card.

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  • ashley

    i wuff u
    happy belated bday ♥

  • Happy birthday! (Mine is on the 15th, and want glitter, too! Forget the card, just shower me with glitter.)

  • sweetweaver

    Happy birthday to a fellow June 4 bday. Today I am 39... the last year of my 30s. So enjoy yours!

  • Pepe


  • Dude, if I could get you a card, I would. And hot chicks come with baggage, too. Don't be so hard on yourself. Happy B-Day, and you're not the only 30 yr old living at home nowadays. :)

  • Happy Birthday! Look at the bright side - this birthday will suck less than any birthday that follows it. Might as well enjoy it - what else are you gonna do?

  • Cheer up dude, you represent a valuable service and are directly responsible for improving the happiness of others, by providing an example of someone even more pathetic than themselves. Okay, MYself. More pathetic than MYself... Slightly. Okay ALMOST more pathetic that myself. Are you happy now? Jeez that took a turn on me...

  • Marni White

    You're only 30 today? You suck!!

    Ummm, er, uh what I meant to say was HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! I hope it's a great one :-)

  • Pluta!

    Happy Birthday! Have your mom bake you a cake and go eat it with your celebrity friends. At least you have survived the thirty years of teasing! That's always an accomplishment.

  • Ha! Someone actually suggested you "try to see 30 as a new start to achieve things". Obviously they don't know the real you! I'm going to suggest you eat something cheesy (my preference would be cheetos, the orange powdery residue will make the glitter mess seem not so bad), drink a juice box and surf the internets for more celebrities to draw cartoons of. Then, consider yourself successful because you actually made it to 30.

    Happy Birthday, DEE!! I <3 You! XOXOXOXO

  • Sarah

    bahahaha. You are hilarious. If I were a stripper I would give you a lap dance!

  • amy324

    Happy Birthday! I know, birthdays suck. I usually force my kids to go out to dinner with me and they spend the whole time texting their friends. Probably saying what a terrible time they're having and what time they'll be free. Consider this a birthday card from me. I get so much enjoyment from your tweets and blog, I love your style of humor and you brighten my miserable life. Please take care of yourself. And be glad you're not 50.

  • happy birthday, Dee. i hope you have a good day, filled with fruit.
    wait, what?

  • Knut Hellem

    my birthday today aswell, turning 18. The legal drinking age in my country... Did I mention I don't like drinking?

  • gee I am glad to know I am not the only one that made themselves a birthday card today..
    Happy birthday to both of us!

  • Happy Birthday Mooby---you know we all love you :) XO's

  • Thirty is the new Twenty. You've got 10 more years to clean up your act and get a glittery stripper girlfriend.


  • happy birthday, dee! you're glittericious. and don't think for a millisecond we wouldn't miss you.

  • Happy Birthday. Welcome to the 30's... despite the sorta-stigma associated with this decade it's a really great place to be. Really it is. And for what it's worth, if I knew you in real life I would buy you a card. I would. I swear. Cheers!

  • A.

    Aw, dont be so hard on yourself.

    I dont know you personally but I usually have to laugh or smile because of your blogs and look out for them actually.

    Try to have a happy birthday and if you want to change things in your life, try to see 30 as a new start to achieve things :)

    Happy birthday!

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