Hollywood Producer Ricky Blitt on Cameron Diaz, Alyssa Milano.

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Behind every great actress in Hollywood, there's a Ricky Blitt. Staring, breathing, blinking.

This is the second part of my conversation with Ricky Blitt, producer, writer, wearer of mustard-stained sweatpants with alarming crotch-holes.  For the first part, click here.

I feel like chicks would totally do you, Blitt.

Think about it.  You’re a writer for wildly successful shows, you have your own show. You write movies.

You’re nebbishy.

I do okay, he said, high fiving himself and downing a Peach Snapple.

I live in my parents basement, have no job. Chicks don’t want this.

They don’t delight in my moobs.

Hey, I get more tail than Kevin Spacey.

Have you totally done any famous chicks?

Let’s do it this way. Name a famous chick and I’ll tell you if I’ve done her.

Mila Kunis.

No.

Melina Mercouri.

No.

Madhuri Dixit.

No.

Raymond’s mom on Everybody Loves Raymond.

No.

Estelle Getty.

No.

The chick who played Mary-Anne in Perfect Strangers.

Wait, I just remembered I’ve only slept with  3 women.  Though I did get to third base with Dame Judi Dench.

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Melina Mercouri.

What’s third again?

Third is reverse anal.

Chicks always want to do that with me.

Does that come off as believable?

Trust me, DON’T do that, you’ll just get too attached.

First it’s reverse anal, next thing you know, marriage.

Speaking of which, why do you despise marriage so much.

Do I?

Are you married? Have you been?

I was once married to Julia Roberts when I went by the name Lyle Lovett.

Actually, I’ve never been married. Cause I’m a d-o-g! That sounded less believable than your knowledge of third base.

I feel like you could’ve been married a few times in your life.  But you recoiled in fear.  Something, inside, pained you.

Your vas deferens, perhaps.

No, nothing complicated like that. Just didn’t happen yet.

Do you go to cool hollywood parties?  And get trashed with Lindsay and Paris and the Littlest Hobo.

Not a lot, but occasionally. I work a lot with the Farrelly brothers in film and Peter once brought me to a Sheryl Crow party where every single person was absurdly famous. He was talking to Tom Hanks and his wife for about 15 minutes and I said nothing, just looked away shyly, and when they were about to leave, I said to Tom Hanks and his wife “I am going to HAVE to have you kids over for dinner” shocking them and me. That’s actually true.  I suddenly got bold the second they were leaving.

Oh dear.

Rita Wilson, his wife, laughed and said “I bet you’re a comedy writer”. Tom Hanks just mumbled something that sounded a lot like “kike.” Actually, he didn’t, he was pleasant, I think it was Meg Ryan who said that.

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I’m sure you have celebrity friends you hang out with constantly.

Sometimes, not often. There’s something weird about meeting someone mega famous. It’s funny, me and Alyssa Milano actually met around 10 years ago when we appeared together in a live action cutaway in an ep of Family Guy I wrote.

Which Family Guy was that?

Mr. Griffin Goes To Washington.

I’m watching it on a Japanese website right now.

I actually put her name in that cutaway cause my best friend had a huge crush on her. My friend ran out of the room laughing in disbelief like it was the most surreal thing he had ever seen.

So that’s the trick to meeting women in Hollywood.  Write them into things.

In a way, writers run Hollywood, right?

Sexually.

I did a pilot with the Farrelly Brothers once that didn’t get picked up, where inexplicably, I starred in the thing. Even though I’ve never acted except for that Family Guy cutaway. I did a two minute scene with Cameron Diaz.  She did it as a favor to the Farrellys and couldn’t have been nicer. The most surreal part was me feeling this was totally normal about ten minutes after we started shooting the scene.  It was called “Blitt Happens.” The whole idea was to do a show about a very non Hollywood guy who sells a TV show, quits his telemarketing job and is suddenly hiring famous actors and actresses.

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I met Cameron Diaz in the makeup room, then handed her my inhaler and said “Here. I want you to have this. It was my mother’s and her mothers’ before that.”

She was so nice it was insane. She could have rolled her eyes about having to do this but she even asked to redo scenes to get everything right. Really genuine and great person.

If she’s reading this, you should probably say something right now to make her want to date you. To add onto the inhaler line.

Stay away from me Cameron, I’m trouble.

Yes.

Also add that you’d only hurt her with your apparatus.

But don’t specify that apparatus means package.  Because that’s what seduction is.

I actually once did hurt Jennifer Aniston with my sex. I used to joke about that in the writer’s room, this horrible Madonna movie “Body of Evidence” where they actually used the phrase “She killed him with her sex.”

What do you think really happened with Romantically Challenged? Was Alyssa being a big diva, asking for a variety of mango only grown in northern Mexico?

Alyssa was even nicer than Cameron Diaz, and a much better lay.

Do you think you, yourself, had it cancelled by stealing parts of the set?

Actually, it wasn’t too complicated. ABC didn’t fully believe in the show after a bad first impression (for many reasons that are too complicated to go into) and they sort of made up their mind a long time ago.

Did you watch the upfronts? Were you upset at what they *did* pick up?

We were given a great time slot but the curse to that is they only decided to air us weeks before they did so there was no way to get an absurdly high rating for the first show. But after that, people stayed and our audience really built and I’m not shitting you when I say how much the twitter fans meant to us.  We used to read what people were tweeting as they were watching it, all of us, and giggle like schoolgirls.

Is that why you joined Twitter? Because of them? And not the Malaysian Webcams.

Alyssa got me into Twitter and asked me to join the Q and A’s and since I really don’t know how to do stuff like drive a car, I didn’t think I’d know how to tweet. She was so proud of me after our first Q and A, she was like Momma Gump, proud of her boy.

Do you think Alyssa will slowly convert everyone, including those without a computer or access to food and medical supplies, to Twitter?

Yes. She’s very persuasive. I also knit clothes in her basement for her clothing line.

Do you think I have a shot with Alyssa?

Hey, don’t mow my lawn.

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Imaginarily, Ricky and I are both dating this woman.

This interview was like Plato meeting Aristotle meeting Jay Z.

Yes, it’s like the Algonquin Round Table without the wit or the table.

People won’t get that reference.

Use “Meech Lake Accord”  That’s more universal.

THAT’S what my new movie is about. The Meech Lake Accord. Okay, it’s been real and you only made me cry twice and ejaculate once. Good luck with everything. I, too, lived in my parents basement for years – another reason I did this interview.

Thanks.  It’s been truly tremendous.

Follow Ricky Blitt on Twitter here.

Some images provided by ShutterStock.

dee@tremendousnews.com

  • Again you failed to include his contact info. How is he ever going to know that his sense of humor arouses me?

    • hey Ava, i hear you can find him on 'cutejewguys.com' 😉 xx

  • Good info.  Thanks.

  • I live in my parents basement, have no job. 

  • Think about it.  You’re a writer for wildly successful shows, you have your own show. You write movies.

  • Think about it.  You’re a writer for wildly successful shows, you have your own show. You write movies.