I had a rare chance to talk to Ricky Blitt, the former exec producer and writer of Family Guy, as well as creator of Romantically Challenged. Obviously, I screwed it up. Here’s the full text of our instant-messaging chat. Unauthorized. Because really? Where’s my integrity.
How’s Twitter? You haven’t had the nerdy orgasm over it yet.
I’ve actually been enjoying it, and I once told the writers at Romantically Challenged that the only thing I enjoyed was watching my cats eat and drink.
You’re single? Because that’s another way of saying “I’m single.”
Shocking, isn’t it?
Happiness is over-rated and fleeting. Depression is reliable.
Don’t get me wrong, I mean, I get around. Just did a three way with Jessica Biehl and Jeff Goldblum
The Biehl-Goldblum threesome is so ‘98. We call it getting Biehlblummed.
Yes, true, but I’m not about being trendy. It felt right and I won’t apologize for it
What are you doing right now?
I don’t know what metaphysically means. But I’m trying to make this a smart interview.
I’m actually working on a movie idea I’m about to write. That’s as metaphysical as anyone in LA is capable of.
Can you talk about it? Maybe summarize the plot using emoticons?
Okay, see, there’s one cop who goes by the book and his partner goes even MORE by the book and… who am I kidding? I just got a job at Arby’s.
That’s also another way to say you’re single. You have them all down.
Sorry. I just got a phone call!!!! Wrong number
Did you try to pretend it was the right number. And then force conversation.
I do that sometimes.
If you want to delve deep into the caverns of my loneliness.
The truth is I called my land line from my cell phone so it would ring.
What do you think is wrong with Hollywood?
Besides the fact that the Golden Girls weren’t made into a feature film.
With explicit nudity.
Too many Jews. Wait, I’m Jewish. I don’t know, lots of things that get in the way of making good films and TV shows.
Why? Money? Ratings? Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House?
I feel like that guy’s responsible for a lot.
No, I think there’s just not enough time and freedom given to people who can do good stuff. There’s too much pressure for everything to succeed immediately and every exec has such pressure on them, it’s not the ideal atmosphere for creativity sometimes.
You have to add something boob-related here. Really. Or my readers zone out into comas.
And, of course, not enough movies are written by tits.
How did you just create Romantically Challenged?
Weed and heartbreak?
AKA every Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.
I used to do a bit in the writer’s room about being stoned on the drugs and shit cause that stuff sounds so fake coming out of my mouth. Never been stoned in my life.
Do you drink? How are you going to drown your sorrows now?
With echinacea tea?
No. I’ve never gotten full out drunk in my life. And I rarely drink cause I’ve never become adult enough to enjoy the taste of alcohol.
But then how do you…blunt the pain and horror of life.
I’ll drown my sorrows by taking a walk, finding a drifter, then beating him/her within an inch of their life.
That’s the plot of your movie, isn’t it.
Now it is.
I also watch hours and hours of baseball and hockey, even when I’m being productive as a writer.
So how did you get discovered?
Who did you service physically.
As opposed to who you service now.
I was super broke in Montreal and asked my parents for a loan and then came to LA and wrote spec scripts. Oh, and I also blew Tom Hanks.
Do you do a lot of things alone?
I can be reclusive, but also okay in social situations. I am so fucking interesting and complex.
Like, are most of your pictures taken by you, where you rest the camera on a ledge and then you force a smile. Then later, assemble each picture carefully in books which you show to passer-bys.
But the passer-bys don’t pass by much anymore. And it’s just you and your cats. That’s all you need though, because your cats won’t hurt you like they will?
That was all one question
One of my cats was responsible for cancelling Romantically Challenged. He didn’t like the laugh track even though I repeatedly explained to him it was a real audience. Prissy feline bastard.
A lot of people reading this will want to know why they’re interested in you. Can you run down your credits in one sentence. (Throw in shit you haven’t even done, they won’t even know! Tee hee)
I just tee-hee’d.
Let’s see, virtually every successful show for the last 20 years, I’ve been 100% responsible for. Except for the TV series Hunter. That I only co-wrote. But also, I wrote for Family Guy, wrote a movie about fixing the Special Olympics called “The Ringer,” and I created a show a couple of years ago called “The Winner” that I exec produced with Seth from Family Guy. And other stuff.
The show about the dog that rescued people and my heart?
I’m actually writing “Littlest Hobo The Movie” right now.
The problem with the Littlest Hobo was that as a kid, I could sometimes see his package. And that alarmed me.
So you felt the “Littlest” Hobo was innacurate?
I’d be drinking my Kool-Aid in my fun Kool-Aid glass and eating fruit gems and then boom. German Shepherd package. All up in my grill.
Fine. I was 24.
Just for shits and giggles, could you email me that exact image of the dog and then not IM me for say, 29 seconds?
Which Family Guy were you responsible for?
I was on for the first few years. Biggest thing I’m proud of is writing the only ep (that’s street for episode) that was banned by Fox at first. The one where Peter is bad with money so he prays for a Jew to come into his life
That was brilliant.
It’s called ‘When You Wish Upon a Weinstein.’ It was so weird Fox refused to air it at first. After all, I’m a Hymie and I wasn’t offended. We actually had to get a signed letter from a rabbi who sanctioned it. The Rabbi said it was inoffensive but lacked a second act
So networks have been screwing you for years.
That was a weid situation, oddly enough, I think it was a guy in business affairs who caused the whole stir. We even performed that episode live at Just For Laughs in Montreal. That was the first one of those that Family Guy did. I got to go on stage with them and read the part of Max Weinstein and a few other parts, and the one and only groupie I’ve ever had came up to me after the show.
Was she super hot?
She was hot. I did a Woody Allen impression on stage in one of the cutaways from that show and she walked over to me afterwards and said I was really cute and that she screamed with orgasmic laughter when I did Woody Allen. Then, just as I was about to climax, she said “I’ve always had a thing for nebbishy guys.” I get one groupie in my life and she has to use the word “nebbish”.
She came up to me in the green room and I think she would have slept with me but I think I just mumbled something like “Help yourself to some mints” and ran away.
Did you flail your arms in the air while running?
No, I just peed on the floor.
Read more about Ricky Blitt’s take on Hollywood, his run-in with Tom Hanks, his hilariously non-sexual encounter with Cameron Diaz, and of course, his Alyssa Milano experience here.
Follow Ricky on Twitter here.
Images by Shutterstock.