People can’t believe Facebook would compromise their privacy.
I’m so pissed at Facebook! They don’t respect my privacy.
BTW here’s a picture of my bum you guys!
And there’s the rub. People are mad Facebook isn’t protecting themselves against themselves.
If you’re worried, here’s a simple test to see if you’re vulnerable and open.
You’re vulnerable and open.
1. Do I Accept Every Friend Request?
Forget the nerdy details of Facebook privacy. For stalkers, the glaring hole is you.
You’re the hole.
Good stalkers create multiple accounts. Then they prey on weakness.
Doug Gilmour from the ‘93 Maple Leafs has requested to be your friend.
Message from Doug Gilmour: Hey dude, wat up! Me, Santa and all of the GOlden Gurrls want to be ur friend. Add us, hoe.
And I will.
Against my better judgement.
2. Have I Posted Pictures Of My Kids?
Imagine your kids as adults and you have that great relationship where they appreciate you.
Dad, I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. Except for the time you posted naked baby pictures of me on Facebook that now lead my Google Search results. That’s been devastating.
3. Do I Leave Details On Other People’s Walls?
You might have secured your Facebook, but your friends haven’t.
julieeeee! u ready for tonight girl? i cant wait to have indiscriminate sex with strangers we meet at applebee’s!
That can’t help you.
4. Have I Added Horrible Applications?
You can’t resist Farmville?
You can’t resist simulating farming.
5. Am I Friends With People Who Can’t Resist Farmville?
The Farmville freaks are taking us all down with them. Somewhere on a very special farm, they’re harvesting our PIN numbers.
6. Do I Associate With People Who Can’t Resist Tagging Everyone?
You know that girl with the camera who posts everything on Facebook the minute she gets home?
She’s a shithead.
7. Are Your Facebook Ads Dead-On?
If you can’t tell how loose you are with your privacy, just look at your ads.
“Hey Dude! Need Preparation H? Buy It At The Drugstore Where That Fat Chick You Slept With In ‘98 Works.”
That’s when you know.
8. Do You Have That One Dude Who Adds All Your Friends Even Though He Doesn’t Know Them?
Everyone knows a guy who immediately becomes the mutual friend of everyone we know.
What is he doing?
I feel like he’s teeming with evil.
9. Is Your Password Weak?
123Boobs was a password that carried me through the 90s. Now I have ampersands and tildes and shit. ’Boobs’ has a zero in it and I include an element from the periodic table of elements.
Also the name of my favorite Spice Girl.
If you don’t do all of this, the answer to this question is yes.
10. Are You Unable To Delete Facebook?
Click ‘Deactivate your account.’
Feel the jitters in your nerdy veins. The angst. You can’t do it, can you?
Facebook is your dark lord. You are a slave to its nectar.
Now count up all your Yes-answers.
1-2: you’re safe. No need to worry.
3-4: start worrying.
5-6: a Malaysian porn site is using your prom picture.
7-8: 12 year old kids from Utah are subscribing to that porn site with your credit card.
9-10: Someone with your name is purchasing a 12 year old kid from Utah.
Share this with your friends on Facebook and compare how screwed you are. Now if you’ll excuse me.
I’m going to Applebee’s.
Violate my privacy on Facebook here!
Images gifted to me by Shutterstock.
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