The biggest buzzkill in the world is when your parents join Facebook.
I’m lucky. My mom’s not computer savvy. She thinks e-mail forwards are actually written by the person who sends the forward.
Did you see Aunty Maya wrote 150 jokes about blondes? I didn’t know she’s so funny!
And she nearly fainted when a Nigerian banker sent her an inheritance.
Also? She sometimes loses the cursor.
She can’t find it. I tell her to wiggle the mouse but she just stares at the screen. Then she gets bored and watches Family Feud.
I’m not worried about her joining Facebook.
But if you’re a parent and want to screw with your kids, here are ten ways to do it.
1. Join Horrible, Horrible Fan Pages.
Try liking the “People Who Still Lactate” or the “I Find Mr. Belvedere Incredibly Hot” pages.
Because when you do, it’ll appear on your kids pages. Think about little Justin waking up to find this:
Justin’s Mom likes Conceiving Children in Home Depot Parking Lots.
2. Post Conversations You Can Easily Have On The Phone, On Their Wall.
Once you have Facebook, boycott any real life conversations. They’re way more fun and alarming to have publicly.
Did your son tinkle on the toilet seat? Post that to his wall! Include a fun emoticon like this–> and things will work out for the best.
3. Defend Your Kid’s Honor.
Your daughter Sarah just posted a picture of herself. Her friend Doug comments: wow Sarah, someone’s drunk! lmaoz.
Not in your yard.
You get right in there and bring it to Doug. Listen “Doug”. My beautiful daughter Sarah is not intoxicated. She’s enthused. She’s not half-naked on a couch at a dank nightclub, she’s radiant. And that’s not her making out with a drug dealer named Peanut, she’s in love.
Oh and get him on his “lmaoz”.
Oh! And nobody lmaozes anymore, shithead.
4. Friend All Of Your Kid’s Friends.
As soon as you get on, send requests to everyone your kid knows. Start with a fun intro message like I never knew Tommy had such muscular friends! Rawr.
This will bring you closer to Tommy.
And his muscular friends.
5. Caps Lock Is Optional.
Once my mom turns on Caps Lock, it’s never going off.
That’s why it says ‘Lock’, no?
6. Like Every Update Your Kid Posts.
I ate a bad mussel at Red Lobster. Can’t keep anything down. FML.
Like everything your kid does.
7. If Anyone Of The Opposite Sex Comments On Their Wall, Suggest They Date.
If your awkward and gawky son Peter receives a comment from Jill, immediately suggest marriage.
Jill you seem sweet! My Peter’s such a nice boy. Why don’t you two meet for dinner one day?
Then wait and observe as Peter dies inside.
8. Continuously Post Comments On Their Wall Until They Respond.
William? Are you there?
William, please call mom and dad.
William, your status says you’re hanging out with that boy Hakhmeed.
We’re very worried, William.
Is Hakhmeed even American?
9. Post Pictures Of Your Kid As A Baby And Tag Them.
Discuss how cute they were when they were little. Make sure you post that picture of your kid on a staircase.
Why is every baby picture on a staircase?
10. Use Current Acronyms Out Of Context.
No need to understand what they mean, just drop hundreds of acronyms in every comment to your kid.
I’m so FML-ing right now!
I can’t believe how LMAO you look in that OMG picture of yours! NOM NOM.
There. You have the knowledge. Now get out there and ruin lives.
You can touch my electrical body on Facebook here.
Images courtesy of Shutterstock.