Again, my tiny friends on my Facebook page have helped me generate content.
Thank you, anonymous Internet people.
I asked them what questions they hate being asked.
In response, they ejected a stream of questions that I trimmed down to…
They ejected a stream.
Here’s some of them. Try not to ask these to anyone, anywhere.
1. Did You Get My E-Mail?
I got it. Read it, ignored it. Hoped, prayed and wished I didn’t have to see you but, boom.
There you are.
Now I have to lie and pretend my email has been down for a while.
Who believes that.
2. Why Are You Still Single?
I personally never get asked this because people just look at me and know.
But I can see how this is annoying.
Can you imagine answering honestly?
Hey Chuck! Dude, I heard you’re not dating anyone. How could that be?
Well first, my name’s Chuck. Really? I should punch my parents in the face. Second, I sometimes soil my trousers while watching Glee. I’m alarmingly hairy. Notice: ear lobe hair. Hair. On my freakin’ ear lobes.
That’s why you don’t ask.
3. Do You Have A Customer Rewards Card?
Lady, I’m 27, buying Preparation H at a San Antonio area Walgreen’s while my mom and dad wait in the car, nodding their heads in shame.
No reward can offset this.
4. Where’s That Name From?
Be honest. You just want to know what ethnicity the person is. Why not just ask it?
Where’s your name from?
My name? Hakmeed Al Syed Bin Makhmood?
Take a guess, lady.
5. Did You Not Get Any Sleep Last Night? You Look Tired.
“You look tired” means “you look like shit”.
Prefacing it with disingenuous worry about sleeping habits doesn’t blunt the pain.
6. How Much Did That Cost?
Are you doing a retail price audit?
Then don’t ask this.
7. Is This Going To Be On The Test?
Remember this question from school? It’s always asked by the most passive-aggressive people in class who refuse to remember anything except for what’s on the test. So every thirty seconds they query their teacher, driving all of us insane.
Just know a little more.
8. Can I Help You Find Anything?
During retail shopping, this can be either a good question or a horrible one.
Good: when you’re actually hunting through shirts, trying to find your size.
Horrible: when you’re asked it the second you step into a store by an over-aggressive merchandiser who asks, then stares at you, blinking in silence.
9. Did You Gain Weight?
I get asked this every time I emerge from the dank caverns of my parents basement.
I try saying no, but it never works.
Did you gain weight?
But you look fatter and like, grosser.
It’s the light in the room.
10. When Are You Due?
The absolute worst question you can ask a girl. I did this once and I will never forget the pained look on her face when she said no.
Or the pained look on her face when I asked her out.
A lot of pained looks.
There you have it. Ten questions you should never, ever ask people. Thank you to my tiny friends on my Facebook page, which you should join if you haven’t already.
Unless, of course, your name’s Chuck.
Or you have ear lobe hair.
I’m just kidding about not liking the name Chuck. I don’t need an army of Chuck hate.
I’m not kidding about people with ear lobe hair though. Really? Even *I’m* not that gross.
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