The 10 Questions You Should Never Ever Ask.

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Again, my tiny friends on my Facebook page have helped me generate content.

Thank you, anonymous Internet people.

I asked them what questions they hate being asked.

In response, they ejected a stream of questions that I trimmed down to…

Ha!

They ejected a stream.

Here’s some of them.  Try not to ask these to anyone, anywhere.

1. Did You Get My E-Mail?

Yes.

I got it.  Read it, ignored it.  Hoped, prayed and wished I didn’t have to see you but, boom.

There you are.

Now I have to lie and pretend my email has been down for a while.

Really?

Who believes that.

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Does this look like someone who'll send you a read receipt?

2. Why Are You Still Single?

I personally never get asked this because people just look at me and know.

But I can see how this is annoying.

Can you imagine answering honestly?

Hey Chuck!  Dude, I heard you’re not dating anyone.  How could that be?

Well first, my name’s Chuck.  Really?  I should punch my parents in the face.  Second, I sometimes soil my trousers while watching Glee.  I’m alarmingly hairy.  Notice: ear lobe hair.  Hair.  On my freakin’ ear lobes.

That’s why you don’t ask.

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If shaving makes you *hear* better, you're in trouble.

3. Do You Have A Customer Rewards Card?

Lady, I’m 27, buying Preparation H at a San Antonio area Walgreen’s while my mom and dad wait in the car, nodding their heads in shame.

No reward can offset this.

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4.  Where’s That Name From?

Be honest.  You just want to know what ethnicity the person is.  Why not just ask it?

Where’s your name from?

My name?  Hakmeed Al Syed Bin Makhmood?

Yes.

Take a guess, lady.

5. Did You Not Get Any Sleep Last Night?  You Look Tired.

“You look tired” means “you look like shit”.

Prefacing it with disingenuous worry about sleeping habits doesn’t blunt the pain.

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6.  How Much Did That Cost?

Are you doing a retail price audit?

No?

Then don’t ask this.

7. Is This Going To Be On The Test?

Remember this question from school?  It’s always asked by the most passive-aggressive people in class who refuse to remember anything except for what’s on the test.  So every thirty seconds they query their teacher, driving all of us insane.

Just know a little more.

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8. Can I Help You Find Anything?

During retail shopping, this can be either a good question or a horrible one.

Good: when you’re actually hunting through shirts, trying to find your size.

Horrible: when you’re asked it the second you step into a store by an over-aggressive merchandiser who asks, then stares at you, blinking in silence.

9. Did You Gain Weight?

I get asked this every time I emerge from the dank caverns of my parents basement.

I try saying no, but it never works.

Did you gain weight?

No.

But you look fatter and like, grosser.

It’s the light in the room.

10. When Are You Due?

The absolute worst question you can ask a girl.  I did this once and I will never forget the pained look on her face when she said no.

Or the pained look on her face when I asked her out.

A lot of pained looks.

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Come on. Really? She's gotta be.

There you have it.  Ten questions you should never, ever ask people.  Thank you to my tiny friends on my Facebook page, which you should join if you haven’t already.

Unless, of course, your name’s Chuck.

Or you have ear lobe hair.

I’m just kidding about not liking the name Chuck.  I don’t need an army of Chuck hate.

I’m not kidding about people with ear lobe hair though.  Really?  Even *I’m* not that gross.

Follow me on Twitter here.



dee@tremendousnews.com



  • Aarti Sethi

    People ALWAYS tell me I look tired. Are you telling me I should be concerned? But I'm fantastic.

  • Jessiecohn

    What about putting on the list on offensive questions of never asking "Are you a God?" "Are you a republican or democrat, and who will you vote for?" Those are very offensive enough for this article.

  • Kaitlin Aubart

    haha totally agree with #5. My mom tells me I look tired, and I'm like "..thanks...?" and she'll say something like "oh no, you look great, just tired.." really, mom? reeeallly? shush.

  • designdream

    One more question you don't want to ask (your girlfriend): "Are you late?"
    I'm horrible.

  • Richmond Rambler

    My favorite, asked by women all over the world: "What are you thinking?"

  • Kaitlin Aubart

    my boyfriend actually asks me this all the time, and to be honest, I find it horribly annoying most of the time. but I don't have the heart to tell him that. =/

  • NoIdonthaveajob

    12th question - do you have a job lined up for after you graduate?

  • Wendy

    11th question...did you get my friend request on Facebook?

  • Chuck Al Imadinnerjacket

    This is hilarious - but scarily true. Thanks for posting.

  • i live in nj so "what exit" is pretty offensive. or how bout any question from a car salesman, esp "how much are you looking to spend a month on your new vehicle"? really. how little car will you try to sell me for that?

  • man i have a list of ten as a mature hot couger type woman that you probably dont want to hear lol

  • Me

    Is that the best you can do? I will un-follow if you keep that up.

  • Lol

    *facepalm*

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