5 Lessons Volcano Whatever-It’s-Called Taught Us.

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Weeks ago, a volcano in Iceland made a mess of things.

Flights were grounded, people were angry.  Ash in the air.  General annoyance.

Plus a name that’s just a big pain in the ass.

Now as we look back, we reflect.  I have gleaned five lessons from this debacle.

Like that?

Gleaned?

I use big words now.

Five lessons volcano whats-it-called taught us.

1.  Iceland Is Kind Of Bad Ass.

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She's from Iceland now.

Nobody ever just gets back from a trip to Iceland.  I’ve never been to a party where I make out with an Icelandian chick.

Fine, any chick.

If the world were a workplace, Iceland is the drunken dwarf intern.

Bemusing and clever.  All crazy-like.  And now all of a sudden?

Iceland just took a shit in the elevator.

Think about it.  Nobody could travel.  This tiny country with its hilarious geological properties, halted all movement.

And they didn’t even care.

That’s so cool!

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Me and the dwarf intern.

2. People Are So Self-Centered.

A volcano erupts, sending toxic ash into the air.  Will it have a harmful effect on the health of the natives?  Could it kill thousands of people?  Will babies be born with devastating deformities?

Who cares.

How does it effect winter in New York?

3. Geology Nerds Became Rockstars.  Briefly.

Geologists are a rare breed.  You have to want to make sweet nerd love to rocks all day.  Your idea of fun is predicting tectonic patterns.

That.

That’s your idea of fun.

But then a volcano erupts and all of a sudden, news outlets across the world want a piece of you.

Mister geologist man!  Please give us your take on the latest volcano.

Well, there are two schools of thought on this one, which I think is a game-changer in the world of-

Lindsay Lohan is eating yogurt!  Eye-witnesses see a nipple!

But I was just getting to the part of why this is import-

Just write that shit down and email it.  We’re going to lead with the nipple yogurt.

4. Nothing Is Cooler Than Volcano Excuses.

I was in Florida during a summer of four massive hurricanes.  Although there was a lot of damage, the hurricanes gave me something magical.

Excuses.

Hey dude, you coming to my party at Glow on Saturday?

Sorry Mikey.  I got roofers coming in.

But really?  No roofers.  Mikey was just an alarming shithead.

And there’s probably a Mikey in Iceland too.  Some annoying guy who wants to invite you to his horrible parties.

Hey dude, you coming to my party at Club Iceland on Saturday?

Dude, I’d love to!  Hang on, I’m getting a call.  Hello?  Oh hi honey!  What’s wrong?  No, no.  You have to walk AROUND the lava.  Around.  I’ll come there now and help you out.  I know it’ll take three days and I’ll have to miss Mikey’s party.  He’ll understand.  This is lava-related.

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Me prepping for a hurricane.

5. Did Everyone Miss The Phallic Symbolism?

Think about it.   A massive volcano.  After a long period of tension and unrest, it finally erupts, expelling toxicity into the air, annoying people, and then finally going back to sleep.

That’s a man right there.

There you have it.  Lessons from the volcano.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve had a sudden craving for yogurt.

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dee@tremendousnews.com