Deep within the bowels of society, a new enemy rests.
A word ready to burst out of the badonkadonk of pop culture and destroy us all with its pungent smell.
The word ‘literally’.
If you’ve heard it and used it, you’re part of the problem. We’ve all sat back and watched the word taint conversations everywhere.
Are you going to get all crazy mad about some dumb crap nobody cares about?
It’s what I do.
Five reasons to never use ‘literally’.
1. You’re Not Using It Right. Ever.
“Literally” means the literal use of a word. Meaning you’re not being figurative, symbolic or metaphorical.
The fat blogger is literally grasping at straws.
Correct because right now, I am grasping at three straws that will allow me to consume my tiny cannister of Diet Coke.
Fine regular Coke.
Omg you guys! I didn’t eat anything, I’m literally starving.
You’re not starving. Just hungry.
Omg you guys! I literally ran 2 miles today!
No, you did run 2 miles.
Omg you guys! I literally love cheese.
That might be a problem.
2. It’s The New “Like”.
What’s worse? Saying literally or using like every minute?
Or using “omg”?
Or combining them all to create a vapid unholy trifecta?
3. It Makes People Think You’re Lying.
Using ‘literally’ as an intensifier is like saying ‘honestly’. You don’t need it if you tell the truth.
4. It Stops You From Being Creatively Expressive.
This individual was in class for a brief period of time.
Wouldn’t it be better if she changed it to this?
5. This? This Is What You Sound Like When You Use “Literally”.
There you have it. Reasons to never use “literally”.
I know many of you will hurtfully attack me because I come off like I’m word Hitler or something.
And I’ll face a shit storm of anger.
Just hopefully, not literally.
Let me bathe in your Twitter stream here.