10 Signs The Apple iPad Has Made You The Most Annoying Person Ever.


When Apple released the iPad, something strange happened.

Regular people became alarming shitheads.

It was like the iPad was the ring, and they all became the creature Gollum.

The following article isn’t a knock on the iPad.  I think the product looks great.  In fact, if my mom lets me, I’ll buy one.

This article is an attack on what some people become after owning one.

If you have one, take heed.  Here are signs you’re annoying your friends enough that they had to send you this article.

1. All of Your Status Updates and Tweets Are About the iPad.

Bill from Wisconsin just got his iPad.  Now suppose there’s a 7.2 earthquake in Wisconsin City.

You don’t know any cities in Wisconsin do you?

Does anyone?

If there’s an earthquake, this is what Bill from Wisconsin’s updates would say:

Wow!  My iPad and I just got rocked in a 7.2 quake.  Seems to be OK though.  #appleWIN

Meanwhile thousands of Wisconsin children were displaced by the earthquake, roaming their villages searching for cheese.

2. You Reference Time By How Much Battery Your iPad Has Left.

48%?  It must be Wednesday.


This shouldn't be arousing.

3. You’ve Taken 700 Photos Of Just You Getting Your iPad.

OMG you guys!  Here’s me in line waiting for my iPad.

Here’s me looking through the window of the store at an ACTUAL IPAD.

Here’s security escorting me out because I’m a complete shithead!

I just added the last one.

It made me smile.

4. Like A Knight In Nerdy Armor, You Have Defended The iPad’s Faults To Other People.

I heard the iPad doesn’t do Flash.

Who cares.  Flash is dead man.

But 75% of the videos on the Internet are flash.

Screw 75% of the Internet.  That’s the part that sucks anyway.

"You people will buy anything with a name starting with a lower-case "i", won't you?"

"You people will buy anything with a name that starts with a lower-case "i", won't you?"

5. You’ve Called It Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend.

Sleeping with Paddy!


This makes you proud.

6. You Feel Like Anyone Who Doesn’t Love The iPad Is Against You.

You’ve divided the world in two.  Pro-iPad and Anti-iPad.  You’ve made your choice.

Who knew you could make Team Edward vs. Team Jacob look cool.

Actually wait.

No, that’s still less cool.


Quickly! Does this look less devastating on the iPad?

7. Laptops Look Medieval To You Now.

People typing into a keyboard? That’s like, gross.

8. You’ve Told Someone That The iPad Will Change The World.

List of inventions.





If you looked at this list and realized something was wrong, you’re OK.

If you looked at this list and said it should come before wheel, you’re not.


I promise you this was a better invention.

9. You’re Actually Comfortable With iPad Spam.

Cialis and Viagra emails annoy you.

Britney F-d vids?  Please.

And to hell with the Nigerian bankers.

But you’re totally cool with the Win-A-Free-iPad spambot.

(I am too.  That chick’s super hot).

10. You Are Trying To Find A Way To Do All of Your Day-to-Day Activities With It.

There’s gotta be a way to take a shower while playing Farmville.  Can I make out with my girlfriend while tweeting?

Ha!  Texting and driving only applies to phones!

It applies to iPads too, sir.

Although make-out-tweeting is totally cool.


This individual has a lamp shade on her head!

There you have it.  Signs the iPad has changed you.

You can follow on Twitter here if you want iPad commentary in short 140 character doses.

Oh, and if you’re offended and want to send me hate, make sure it’s on the iPad.

I love nerd irony.


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  • You know the iPad has an 11 touch input right? 10 fingers and....OMG!

  • Dare Bear


  • Noddy

    I lot of people are going to get a shock if they think this is a laptop killer. It's not. And there is more to Flash than Farmville. Like, most of Facebook won't run on an iPad (thank God).

  • ROFL....
    One detail, since there is no FLASH, you cannot play Farmville, Lexulous, or any of your other favorite FaceBook games on your iPad..

  • Brilliant! I love reading tremendous news, always makes me laff. I'm not sold on the iPad myself, but I think it's mostly because I want something I can do design work on. This to me is a giant iTouch. Cool yes, but not practical. At least not for my needs. But I'm still a loyal "apple cultist", lol!

  • too too funny, love it!

  • If i start talking about the iPad whoring ... i wont be able to stop ... so lets put this in a simple way.. This topic was indeed needed for the douchbags who grew second head on their shoulders just because they use some apple products...

    1. iPad is not an independent product.... it relies on a apple computer or a apple laptop .. so basically u buy iPad ... and then u r almost forced to buy a Mac ... just to use/manage your ipad? owh really..

    2. How dumb it is that they dont have usb port? <--- read that again...

    3. Apple uses mashable as their product promotions in passive manner... I hope mashable getting enuf money outta that.. LOL! <- take a overview on how many topics on mashable about apple ;)

    I know Apple makes good products .. if Apple is some kind of success .. then it is mostly because of the cult-y fan boys and marketing...

    ;) period!

  • macmaniac

    Ruhani Rubin,your comment is as funny as your user name...lol...
    1st of all in which school did you learn computing.......
    you do not need a computer to have a ipad
    why do you need USB for, grow up.... we ( apple ) is going to launch cloud syncing and you guys are still talking about USB lol.....
    I carry 6.8 TB itune on my iphone and my ipad, you know how??? program called ORB which works flawlessly
    ipad is not a computer, it's when you are not around your main computer, or you are too lazy to leave your couch or a coffee shop or may at the terminal.
    we ( apple) call it Leisure device......
    click this

  • Awww I'm so touched! And yes I'm quite illiterate too ;)

    Thanks for the info! By the way you spell my name wrong!

    Finally some neat real facts!

  • Peter

    I don't think you specifically 'need' a mac to support the ipad. How many iphone users own a mac?

  • oh really?

    You don't need a Mac. You can sync it via Windows, or if you want to start from scratch, you can purchase everything (or download free things) from the iPad itself. There is even accessories to connect digital cameras directly to the iPad to upload photos.

    If you already have things on iTunes then obviously syncing the iPad is not a big deal.

  • was talking about iPad .. not iPhone ;)

  • Guest

    #11) wanting to win an ipad

  • I'm thinking of getting an Archos tablet and whenever the subject of iPad comes up, pull it out and start surfing some flash-laden web sites.

  • how about annoying people who make web based iPad simulators because they're too broke to buy the real thing ;-)


  • People were acting like the iPad will be the greatest boost to personal productivity since the portable notebook were being annoying on Twitter for weeks before the thing was released. They get angry when you tease them or the object of their obsessions ("iPad feminine hygiene products"). Luh HOO zuh HUR.

  • clayman512

    Two things: Apple is not a cult. If you even hint at that, my MUG will declare that you are a Blasphemer!
    Second, the reference to the creature Gollum is way off, although my brother-in-law did bite my finger off when I tried to touch his new iPad.

  • garrettgizzle


  • Haha this is awesome. I only disagree with your point that it's a great product; I think the iPad is completely stupid and pointless. But maybe I'm just sick of hearing about it.

  • macmaniac

    your comments look stupid to me.
    you think 7 million people are stupid and you are intelligent, how funny that will be
    read this too

  • Haha greattttt comeback. 7 million people haven't bought the iPad. And you love/believe everything a politician says? HA!

  • this was so funny i need an iLiner.

  • Don Eamon

    Freakishly awesome! (and no, I do not now, or in the near future plan on getting an iPad, thanks!)

  • SF

    LOL!!! Good post.

  • LOL You win - I agree though. Apple has turned a lot of people into drooling douchebags with this - its not even that cool lol - I can't wait till they come out with a rather large fanny pack for people to carry it around in

  • This made me laugh.

    On the floor.

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