When Apple released the iPad, something strange happened.
Regular people became alarming shitheads.
It was like the iPad was the ring, and they all became the creature Gollum.
The following article isn’t a knock on the iPad. I think the product looks great. In fact, if my mom lets me, I’ll buy one.
This article is an attack on what some people become after owning one.
If you have one, take heed. Here are signs you’re annoying your friends enough that they had to send you this article.
1. All of Your Status Updates and Tweets Are About the iPad.
Bill from Wisconsin just got his iPad. Now suppose there’s a 7.2 earthquake in Wisconsin City.
You don’t know any cities in Wisconsin do you?
If there’s an earthquake, this is what Bill from Wisconsin’s updates would say:
Wow! My iPad and I just got rocked in a 7.2 quake. Seems to be OK though. #appleWIN
Meanwhile thousands of Wisconsin children were displaced by the earthquake, roaming their villages searching for cheese.
2. You Reference Time By How Much Battery Your iPad Has Left.
48%? It must be Wednesday.
3. You’ve Taken 700 Photos Of Just You Getting Your iPad.
OMG you guys! Here’s me in line waiting for my iPad.
Here’s me looking through the window of the store at an ACTUAL IPAD.
Here’s security escorting me out because I’m a complete shithead!
I just added the last one.
It made me smile.
4. Like A Knight In Nerdy Armor, You Have Defended The iPad’s Faults To Other People.
I heard the iPad doesn’t do Flash.
Who cares. Flash is dead man.
But 75% of the videos on the Internet are flash.
Screw 75% of the Internet. That’s the part that sucks anyway.
5. You’ve Called It Your Boyfriend Or Girlfriend.
Sleeping with Paddy!
This makes you proud.
6. You Feel Like Anyone Who Doesn’t Love The iPad Is Against You.
You’ve divided the world in two. Pro-iPad and Anti-iPad. You’ve made your choice.
Who knew you could make Team Edward vs. Team Jacob look cool.
No, that’s still less cool.
7. Laptops Look Medieval To You Now.
People typing into a keyboard? That’s like, gross.
8. You’ve Told Someone That The iPad Will Change The World.
List of inventions.
If you looked at this list and realized something was wrong, you’re OK.
If you looked at this list and said it should come before wheel, you’re not.
9. You’re Actually Comfortable With iPad Spam.
Cialis and Viagra emails annoy you.
Britney F-d vids? Please.
And to hell with the Nigerian bankers.
But you’re totally cool with the Win-A-Free-iPad spambot.
(I am too. That chick’s super hot).
10. You Are Trying To Find A Way To Do All of Your Day-to-Day Activities With It.
There’s gotta be a way to take a shower while playing Farmville. Can I make out with my girlfriend while tweeting?
Ha! Texting and driving only applies to phones!
It applies to iPads too, sir.
Although make-out-tweeting is totally cool.
There you have it. Signs the iPad has changed you.
You can follow on Twitter here if you want iPad commentary in short 140 character doses.
Oh, and if you’re offended and want to send me hate, make sure it’s on the iPad.
I love nerd irony.