9 Signs You’re Talking To A New Yorker.


I traveled to New York City recently. I was greeted with vitriolic anger and extreme doucheyness.

God I love New York.

I stood at the exact spot Kevin reunited with his parents in Home Alone 2 and fought back tears.  I fed pigeons in Central Park whom I later yelled at.  I tinkled in a taxi to maintain ambiance.

You know.

Tourist stuff.

But I learned New York City is unique.  There are signs you’re in New York that are so unmistakably New York that you can’t help but admire them.

Here they are.

1.  New Yorkers Will Never Call it New York, Manhattan, Or Most Hilariously, “The Big Apple”

It’s “The City.”

That’s it.

I learned this quickly when I tried calling it the “Isle o’ Manhattan” while staring at people, blinking.

New Yorkers know you’re not from around there if you call it anything but the City.


Call it anything but "the city" and someone will cut you.

2.  They Hate Times Square.

As soon as I arrived, I ventured to Times Square to snap photographs of the bustling locals.  Instead, I found thousands of German tourists and some dude in a Team Canada jersey.  When I asked the locals, they said they avoided Times Square at all costs because of them shithead tourists.


We’re such shitheads!


3. If You Ask “What’s The Best Way To Get To..?” You Get a Three Hour Answer.

New Yorkers are very passionate about how to get somewhere to save 23 seconds of your time.

When I asked for help, people gathered to yell directions at me, and then argued amongst themselves over who was right.

Which, essentially, made me late.

4.  When They Bump Into Someone On The Street, They Immediately Check Their Wallet.

Since I’m staggeringly obese, it was hard for me not to bump anyone on the street.  When I did, I noticed them checking their wallet.

This is why more people should take a fashion lesson from me and wear a Bart Simpson fanny pack.


Me in New York.

5. They Think New York News Is All There Is.

When I was there, the biggest story was about the New York douchebag governor.  Or the President coming to town and screwing up traffic.

When I asked if there was anything else going on, like earthquakes or “Africa”, I was hurtfully ignored.

New York news trumps it all.

Don’t fight it.


New Yorkers no longer inform this individual that the mic isn't even plugged in.

6. Homeless People, Prostitutes Are All Part Of The Matrix.

They don’t appear to “exist” to a native New Yorker.  I, on the other hand, was quite alarmed.

And to the lady who said she’d have to charge double because of my size?

That hurt my emoticons.

The last signs are from Susan Orlean, writer for the New Yorker.

7. New Yorkers Always Have Food in Their Mouth

8. They’re On The Other Line.

9. Or They’re at Intermission of Something You Couldn’t Get Tickets To.

Sometimes all together.


Friend to Tremendous News.

There you have it.  I will be traveling to New Yorkyness next week again.  Perhaps you have a tip I can use when I’m there.


Tip I can use.

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