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9 Signs You’re Talking To A New Yorker.

Posted by Tremendous in Featured Articles, Life., Nerdynessdom, Travel. on 04 5th, 2010 | Comments

I traveled to New York City recently. I was greeted with vitriolic anger and extreme doucheyness.

God I love New York.

I stood at the exact spot Kevin reunited with his parents in Home Alone 2 and fought back tears. I fed pigeons in Central Park whom I later yelled at. I tinkled in a taxi to maintain ambiance.

You know.

Tourist stuff.

But I learned New York City is unique. There are signs you’re in New York that are so unmistakably New York that you can’t help but admire them.

Here they are.

1. New Yorkers Will Never Call it New York, Manhattan, Or Most Hilariously, “The Big Apple”

It’s “The City.”

That’s it.

I learned this quickly when I tried calling it the “Isle o’ Manhattan” while staring at people, blinking.

New Yorkers know you’re not from around there if you call it anything but the City.

Call it anything but "the city" and someone will cut you.

2. They Hate Times Square.

As soon as I arrived, I ventured to Times Square to snap photographs of the bustling locals. Instead, I found thousands of German tourists and some dude in a Team Canada jersey. When I asked the locals, they said they avoided Times Square at all costs because of them shithead tourists.

Ha!

We’re such shitheads!

3. If You Ask “What’s The Best Way To Get To..?” You Get a Three Hour Answer.

New Yorkers are very passionate about how to get somewhere to save 23 seconds of your time.

When I asked for help, people gathered to yell directions at me, and then argued amongst themselves over who was right.

Which, essentially, made me late.

4. When They Bump Into Someone On The Street, They Immediately Check Their Wallet.

Since I’m staggeringly obese, it was hard for me not to bump anyone on the street. When I did, I noticed them checking their wallet.

This is why more people should take a fashion lesson from me and wear a Bart Simpson fanny pack.

Me in New York.

5. They Think New York News Is All There Is.

When I was there, the biggest story was about the New York douchebag governor. Or the President coming to town and screwing up traffic.

When I asked if there was anything else going on, like earthquakes or “Africa”, I was hurtfully ignored.

New York news trumps it all.

Don’t fight it.

New Yorkers no longer inform this individual that the mic isn't even plugged in.

6. Homeless People, Prostitutes Are All Part Of The Matrix.

They don’t appear to “exist” to a native New Yorker. I, on the other hand, was quite alarmed.

And to the lady who said she’d have to charge double because of my size?

That hurt my emoticons.

The last signs are from Susan Orlean, writer for the New Yorker.

7. New Yorkers Always Have Food in Their Mouth

8. They’re On The Other Line.

9. Or They’re at Intermission of Something You Couldn’t Get Tickets To.

Sometimes all together.

Friend to Tremendous News.

–

There you have it. I will be traveling to New Yorkyness next week again. Perhaps you have a tip I can use when I’m there.

Ha!

Tip I can use.

–

Follow me on Twitter here.

dee@tremendousnews.com

Rg

As a New Yorker, I find it amazing and hilarious how true the first 6 are

Cunt

fat fuck

Apex9865

F**k New Yorkers they are full of themselves

vijay

and I missed this the frist time around cause I was overwhelmed...sorry...why do they refer to an integral part of their 'city' as 'the village'?

A New Yorker

"The Village" is short for the Greenwich Village neighborhood of the City. Just shorthand.

vijay

Awesomeness. Any insights on traveling in the subway?

New Yorker

Look at the map beforehand and follow the signs properly. It's not that difficult and don't be afraid of asking for help. As mentioned above, New Yorkers love giving directions and "arguing" about which way is fastest. The subway lines are referred to by their letters or numbers, not colors like other cities. Be careful to get on the correct train, as multiple trains may run on the same track but take you to different places. As a side note, you can ignore people asking for money, the most polite way is to pretend to be reading/listening to music. If you make eye contact, expect to fork over some change/money. Happy travels!

a.m.harte

I wish you would do a follow up article eviscerating *my* City (London). Please?

Blerg

f*#! off, tourist...

brit

To add, New Yorkers are likely to stab you in the face if you mispronounce any of our streets/bridges/highways

Just as an example:
Houston street, is NOT pronounced like Houston, Texas, it is pronounced HOUSE-ton, and if you ever ask directions to Houston (as in, Houston, Texas), chances are high you will be ignored.

It's funny I stumbled onto this, as a native New Yorker, all of those things are truly characteristics of myself, and other natives, but I never realized it until now. Thanks! Hopefully your trip to the city was enjoyable, despite all of the "New-Yorkiness" you encountered.

Jam

For me, the best thing about NYC is that people who live there hardly ever leave, so they're easy to avoid by staying out of "The City". Don't buy anything from an NYC business online or you'll get ripped off.

Roadkyler

first off dont look anyone in the eyes while passing . pisses us off . 2nd very important. mind your buisness. 3rd blending in doesnt mean . buy a ton of knock off i love n.y shyt and rock it out. very very important. sidewalks in new york have rules. we move fast so please if ur gonna answer ur phone or look at ur map. get the hell out of the way ,dont stop in the middle of the walk.pull ur @ss over . and when getting back into pesdestrian walk ways u might wanna get up to speed quick.dont ask us to take ur pics. its rude. ur on vacation but were workin. please ask another tourist. u cant miss them they will be rockin knock off i love n.y shyt. by all means im not tryin to be rude. u asked for advice . and this is the city that never sleeps so were always in a hurry.

NYC2010

I hate to say it man, but i'm from NY and a good amount of this is true. Admittedly, you're size/demeanor helped you none from anyone in NYC, as you probably appeared as an obstacle more than anything else. As for the New Yorker idiot, this is a whole class of douche, who doesn't even rightly belong to the term "New Yorker" as most are not native to New York. But it is the best city in the world. If you want the lighter, pussy experience, head on down to downtown Brooklyn and hang with the hipsters who moved to my home and fucked it up by trying to make it their own. Be sure to stay well into the gentrified parts with your Bart Simpson fanny pack though tubby.

obama eats goat cock

All the lame ass tourist need to gtfo. If you are going to be a bitch and cry why come here? Stay out we don't need some shit heads coming to NY. You admit to using a dirty whore street walker which shows your the type that would pass on god knows what.

Airaloske

New York sucks. All it is is dirty disgusting streets full of assholes who think they're better than everyone else. Every New Yorker I've met has been a self-absorbed loser with a poor grasp of the english language and an obnoxious accent.

Roadkill

yup so heres a little for ya jack @ss go fuq urselves meat loaf . i am better than u . ill prove it when ever ur fuqin ready chisle chest

Mwreinhold

That's an insult to upstate New Yorkers,

Rose

As someone who is NOT from New York, and has never even been there, this article and its comments really make me want to visit. I never realized that the city's subculture is so different from the rest of the nation. It would kinda be like visiting a foreign country, I think. Sure, most of the differences people are citing seem like bad things. Sure, I'll stand out like black guy at a clan meeting. Still, it would be interesting.

New Yorker

Interesting comment. As a New Yorker who hasn't traveled extensively in the US, when I do go other places it's like a foreign country to me. I agree with most of the comments posted above, although most New Yorkers aren't total douches. The high school kids, immature, transplant New Yorkers definitely. But real New Yorkers help with directions and provide tips like the Museum of Natural History, Metropolitan Museum of Art, and Brooklyn Museum are "pay what you wish" so you don't have to pay full price. Ever!

nyc2010

I wouldn't. sounds like you would hate it more than tubby...it ain't for the weak of heart.

CynthiaVS

I visited NYC a long time ago but I remember most New Yorkers were sweet and polite… of course I'm from Buenos Aires, Argentina… we are an entire new class of douchebags so my perception of people & kindness might be somewhat altered…

tonyviner

"They call New Jersey 'The Garden State.' Sure, if you're growing fucking smokestacks." - George Carlin

nyeastender

OMG!! That is SO TRUE!!

AstoriaGirl

Anyone who would consider Brooklyn and Queens to be "the sticks" has clearly never been to Brooklyn or Queens -- and possibly not even mainland America.
But that's fine with me. I like my neighborhood to be free of shithead tourists.

BronxBomberess

Actually they probably aren't from NY either : )

lancemaxx

Real New Yorkers quietly laugh at the snobs and transplants who think New York City = Manhattan and are concerned with such things as "Bridge & Tunnel", then silently move on because it's more fulfilling simply leaving them to go about their blissfully ignorant lives.

BronxBomberess

AMEN! NYC does NOT only = Manhattan! And while you might think that living here for a few months makes you a NYer...it doesn't...especially if you are self proclaiming...NYers don't have to proclaim they are NYers...If you have to say it...you probably aren't.

Diana Urban

As a native New Yorker, I can tell you that this is 100% accurate. We also avoid Rockefeller Center during Christmas time like the plague. Anything north of Yonkers is considered "upstate." It's perfectly acceptable to walk in front of a moving taxi if we have the walk sign (and sometimes even if we don't). And we can walk faster than than most people jog.

BronxBomberess

OMG you are so right about the "walking" thing. Once worked with a transplant who walked really fast..she did...and by all accounts I don't walk terribly fast...I walk at a NY pace, if there is such a thing. I had told her that I can still make my way through Manhattan at lunch hour despite that fact that I walk slower than she does. We conducted a walk-race from 23rd up to 51st on 5th Ave during Lunch - we were actually coming back from a business meeting - Lo & behold I beat her...why? Because as a native NYer I know how to navigate the pedestrian & vehicular traffic without stopping....it isn't always about speed. - LOVED IT!!

ExplicationMark

Never hesitate when crossing the street with a taxi bearing down (even though you have the walk sign). If the taxi's hood comes within 2 inches of your person, you have the right to slam the hood and bust out your best Dustin Hoffman in Midnight Cowboy: "I'm walkin' here!"

veedee

You forgot to mention that the worse type of contempt a new yorker can have for a person is to call them "bridge and tunnel".

Annoyed

Sorry to be snarky but come on....write something original. You are wasting people's time rehashing these same old tired lines. Write if you have sometihing original to say, please. We've all seen this exact content many times. Come up with your own ideas.

stacey

new yorkers never complain about walking 10 blocks, and they arent fat.
hate them.
cant wait to go back!!

808maui

If you don't live in the "city" you live in the sticks.

Those 8 million people from Long Island? They live in "the sticks"

Brooklyn and Queens will deny this, but are part of "the sticks", too.

me

New Yorkers will help pick up your groceries when you drop them, they will give you directions when you look lost, they'll wave down the bus when you're running down the street trying to catch it, they'll hold a door or an elevator for you, hell -they'll even help you carry a stroller up and down stairs... I could go on.. HOWEVER! - they will do NONE of these things with a smile... and don't you fugetaboutit. Got it tough guy? :)

Why the hell would you want to go to Time Square, anyway?

BronxBomberess

Used to work in Times Square and did not like it much....there wasn't enough time for lunch if I had to go out for it. HOWEVER if you ever had someone ask you "Would you like to be in the photo together? I'll take it for you!" That was probably me or one of the other millions of NYers who are not as douchy as you think!

Elle

That's for 1 of 2 reasons: 1) We're planning to steal your camera, or the more likely 2) We'd rather be taking the picture than suffer the embarrassment and heckling from our fellow New Yorkers when they see us standing in a picture in Times Square.

Patty Punker

10.) new yorkers don't use east and west when telling a taxi driver where to. they just give the cross street.

great post as always.

CKK

HAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA fanny pack!! funniest pic ever!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOLOLOLOL hilarious!

textygirl

But I learned New York City is unlike no other

Honeybabe, you need to correct this sentence. I trust you'll know what to do.

Also, New Yorkers go to the movies, a lot. In the olden days, before online ordering, they'd stand on line (not in line, as someone pointed out above) an hour or more before showtime.

Gaylez

We stand ON line because there's a painted line in the unemployment office, the post office and the dmv and we're told, "go stand on that line there".

Twitter Fail

Come to Denver sometime. We don't call tourists shitheads. Not to their face, anyway.

Lilly Woods

Ha! Germans. Shitheads. I knew it.

Roadkill

what kind of shyt is that too say im a brooklyn german wtf i do to u that u feel u need to talk shyt about my nationality. self rightous little bit ch.

Jan

New Yorkers are ON line whilst the rest of us are IN line. We're only online when tweeting our 6 followers about how New Yorkers stand on line and not in line.