If anyone can teach you how to be a real man, it’s me.
I come from a long line of real men. My dad once beat up Santa Claus because he was breaking into our house.
That’s what I was told on a toyless Christmas morning.
If you want to be a real man, don’t break these ten rules.
1. Never Use The Term “Yay,” “Tee Hee” Or The Most Devastating, “Oh Noes!”
There’s never a time a guy needs to deploy this trifecta of tenderness.
It feels very lolcatty.
Is there anything lolcats won’t ruin?
2. Never Be So Into Your Birthday.
You present this facade of being a man and then when your birthday rolls around, you immediately grow a uterus.
It’s my birthday week! We’re so partying, you guys!
Did you just read that?
3. Never Carry A Man Purse.
What contents do you have that overflow a pocket, sir?
Keys, money, credit cards, condoms. That’s all you need.
Maybe a saw. Perhaps one of those over-sized mallets Elmer Fudd used on the Tazmanian Devil.
But that’s it, dude.
4. Never. Talk. In. Broken. Sentences. To. Convey. How. Great. Something. Is.
Real men don’t write Best. Fondue. Ever.
5. Never Own A Diary.
I own one. I carry it around to capture the varied voices I hear on the street.
Fine, to draw boobs.
One day I lost it at a brewpub near my house. I went back and told them I had lost my diary.
That’s when the most emasculating moment of my life happened.
All the guys at the bar looked around to help me find my diary.
Hey Fella, I think I found it. It looks like one a’ them Dora The Explorer things.
Really, idiot? Because that’s a pebble leather executive journal.
6. Never Wear Socks With Sandals.
Not just because it looks bad, but because it’s a sign you’re indecisive.
Are you protecting your feet against the open air or are you not?
Don’t sit on the fence of fashion.
7. Never Wear Extremely Tight Pants, Bicycling Shorts, Or The Most Alarming, A Speedo.
Women have camel-toe to worry about. You have something much, much worse.
The banana boat.
The moose knuckle.
The man mound.
Do those sound like things you should share?
8. Never Heart Anything.
I talked about how I can’t stand the term I heart you.
But women can get by with it. Especially if they’re all cute and giggly.
But you? You can never heart anything. If you ever slip, recover immediately.
Hey Buck, I totally heart you.
Whatd’ya say boy!?
I said I’m totally …hard…
Trust me. Buck’ll take that better.
9. Never Sculpt Your Eyebrows.
Unless you’re me. I have to do this because I don’t want to look like an obese Bert from Sesame Street.
You, you aim higher.
10. Never Listen To The Jonas Brothers.
Or watch the Bachelor.
Or do both at the same time.
Did I really just have to tell you not to watch The Bachelor while listening to The Jonas Brothers?
There you have it. The 10 rules real men never break.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have fondue to finish.
Is it true that this was the article you were going to write with Jesse James, Sandra Bullock’s husband?
It indeed was. I had sent him what I had and he was going to work on contributing to it. I guess he got busy.
You don’t…want to..add to that?
It writes itself.
Do you find it extremely creepy that you’re interviewing yourself ?
Who else is going to do it?
Do you have anyone you want to thank for this article?
Yes. The people on my Facebook page. I asked them for some ideas yesterday and they produced. Then I culled the best of them for this article today. You like that? Culled? That was pretty sweet.
You can join my Facebook page here.
Do you think anyone is actually reading this?
No. I think they went to lolcats twelve seconds in.