30 Answers To Personal and Hurtful Questions About Me.

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This is me cry-dancing to Fast Car by Tracy Chapman.

Last week, I asked readers for questions.  Anything they wanted to know about me.

In one day, I received 125.

Most of them were just you suck, lard ass. Or go back to Canada.

But here are the rest.

I’ll keep adding as I get more questions.  You can tweet your questions here.  Or email me here.

Who is your favorite Golden Girl?

They all hold an equal place in my moobs.

Would you do me?

Are you accessible by public transportation?

Ha!

You’re accessible.

What would you say to a girl who finds moobs sexy…unless they’re hairy moobs, then gross.

I’d say “you just made me cry all over my hairy moobs.”

where did you learn to draw?

Art school. I’m heavily influenced by Monet, Karl Albert Buehr and Johnnie Walker Red.

I bet you have a pretty sweet setup in your parents basement huh?

They tend to my feedings, shelter me and let me play Vanilla Ice as loud as I want. Why would I leave this?

So, you’re funny, you have a large audience on the internet, what’s it all leading to for you? What’s your point? Do you have any eventual goals?

Screenwriter. I want people who are high on marijuana to respect my ‘act outs’.

I also want to create a TV character that is celebrated for his moobs and not emotionally-shattered for them.

Is there anyhting you can do to make me go study for my exam tomorrow?

Do you want to be like me? Exactly. Run to your books.

now I’m gonna check if there’s any smartass left in you. do you know there’s such country Lithuania?

Hell yes! It’s next to Georgia. Except unlike Georgia, Lithuania doesn’t lose to the Gators every year!

Ha!

You might not get that.

what cup size are your moobs?

DDDs. They can, on their own, eclipse the natural light in a room.

Wanna play The Beatles Rock Band with me?

Set it up! You be Ringo, I’ll be anyone-but-Ringo.

Are you actually a really hot guy hiding behing the guise of a balding, middle-aged dropout?

Are you actually a really hot chick hiding behind a hurtful question?

Are you making any money with tremendousnews? It doesn’t seem like you have that many ads on the site…

No. Tremendous News doesn’t make any money. I know. It’s hilarious!

would you tie me up whip me and then screw my brains out?

That’s a lot of work to ask a fat man to do, bossy.

Do you know a city called Mississauga, its very close to Toronto. For some reason no one does

That’s because people from Mississauga like to say they’re from Mississauga, not Toronto. They must point out they’re “not from Toronto”. But then when anything good happens to Toronto, they’re suddenly from Toronto. Whatever. We’re onto your ruse, ma’am. And we’re tired of it.

i think i’m in love with you. can i come down to your parents basement?

Bring fruit roll ups and tang.

If you could no longer write lists, what would you write?

TV shows. Talking films, or “talkies” as they say nowadays.

Also an alternative ending to The Muppets Take Manhattan, where the Muppets do not, in fact, take Manhattan but surrender a painful death to it.

My whole office reads you down here at the Dominican Republic, how do things like that make you feel?

I love the DR. I call it the DR. Is that cool? Or do people from the DR know you’re not from the DR when you call it the DR?

Your entire office just stopped reading me, didn’t they?

Damn it, Dee.

I’m such a shithead!

Will your fans ever find out who you really are

Yes.

Yes they will.

What’s your favorite beer? liquor? drug?

Fat Tire, Jack Daniels, Hugs.

Hugs are better than drugs!

Although I’ve yet to see someone sell a DVD player for 4 dollars in a Baltimore back-alley for a hug.

What really needs fixing?

The health care system, disputed lands in the west bank, copyright laws that are being compromised by rapidly-expansive Internet sharing and your mom’s ass.

Ha!

I said your mom’s ass.

What the best vacation you have ever had

My parents took me to Niagara Falls when I was a tiny yet staggeringly obese boy. I got lost, cried, peed myself and then when they found me, I was given a tub of ice cream so I would forgive them.

Tub of ice cream equals best vacation ever.

Could you please take me in your arms and love me?

You’d only hurt me.

Can I get a what what? (or even a whoo whoo?)

Absolutely not. Also, I have not gotten “jiggy with it” since April, 1999.

What do you hate most about your Facebook and Twitter followers (if anything)?

That some of them own penises.

Penisum?

What’s the plural for penis?

Wait. I should never need to know that.

How do you cut a wheel of Brie?

Cut?

Why.

Gnaw, baby. Gnaw.

Tremendous News doesn’t appear to have an entry in Wikipedia. How does that make you feel? Also, chocolate or pickles?

Pickles. I’ve eaten enough chocolate to feed a small Cambodian family. The Wikipedia entry doesn’t bother me, it would probably be full of hurtful lies.

Also, if anyone is reading this who knows how to Wikipedia, please write an entry for Tremendous News immediately.

Fill it with hurtful lies.

What internet site do you spend most time on? Facebook? YouTube? Porn sites? 😉

PornTube.

SexBook.

See? I mix them up.

I’m cultured.

Do me, please? 🙂

I just did you in my mind. After, I was smiling just like your friendly emoticon. You however?  More crying.

If I send you my email, will you send me some pics??

Sure.

Nudes OK? Of Pete Gallagher? Because I can make it happen.

Fruit roll ups or cheese balls?

Cubes. Cheese cubes. I don’t eat balls.

Wait. Except cheese balls.

Damn it!

I’ve been foiled again.

What’s your REAL name?

Dee.

Licious.

Ooooh! Snap!

What’s your favorite flower? 🙂

Cacti.

That’s the plural for cactus. You come here for answers, I shower you with knowledge.

Oh baby YOU YOU got what I NEED

As of right now, I’m immediately saying that he’s just a friend.

Ever farted and then almost fell on the floor cause it smelled that bad?

You were at my prom, too!?

Play with my tweets here.

dee@tremendousnews.com