It’s easy to be an egotistical maniac in social media.
Within this safe cocoon, you’re liked. Appreciated. Respected.
Outside it, you’re an alarming shithead.
I, on the other hand, have found away to be the latter in both.
You had to look up what “latter” meant, didn’t you? You always mistake it for “former.”
There’s no time, schizophrenic italic voice-in-my-head.
No time for that now.
Seven signs you’re taking yourself way too seriously on the Internet.
1. You Actually Posed For A Picture With The Clear Intention Of It Being Your Facebook Or Twitter Profile Picture.
You know there are photographers that specialize in taking profile pictures for people?
People go to a photo shoot to take pictures of themselves to use on social media.
Imagine that nerdy photo shoot.
Don? Don. I need you to bring more energy if you think these are going up on Twitter.
Then Don poses, extra douchey
That’s it Don. Work that body. Work it like you know you’re number one on RetweetRank.
2. For Real-Life Crises, You Seek Advice From Anonymous Internet People.
Just got evicted, bitch girlfriend sleeping with my best friend and boss about to fire me. I need your help, tweeps!
Forget the tweeps.
Now’s a good time to remember the people who don’t have an avatar.
3. You Have Customized Social Media Clothes.
I saw a picture from SXSW (the nerd part of the festival, not the cool part) where this dude was wearing a custom-made T Shirt with his Twitter name on the front.
There’s gotta be a better way to declare abstinence.
4. You Think Your Facebook Fans Are Like Real Fans.
Facebook is brilliant.
They looked at their core audience and noticed something.
Everyone here is a self-promoting lunatic.
So instead of “members” of a Fan page, or “followers” of a fan page, they gave the douches exactly what they craved.
But it’s only a word Facebook chose. Not reality.
You don’t have fans.
You have people who are moderately interested in you, people who mistakenly clicked on a suggestion, or people who feel bad for ignoring you.
I have a “fan” page. That means there are people who have finally been worn down by me to be fans of Tremendous News.
Do you think anyone there’s happy to be part of that club?
5. You Panic When Your Follower/Fan/Friend Growth Stalls.
You have a pace of people buying into you each day. The day it stalls, you panic. Wonder what you’re doing wrong.
Perhaps schedule another profile-picture photo shoot.
You’re so lame.
6. You Think You Have More Influence Than Established Mediums.
Why would someone advertise in the New York Times or WSJ? Are they medieval? They just need Twitter and Facebook influencers to talk about their product.
The funny part is that the only people who believe this are the self-proclaimed ‘influencers’ themselves.
7. You Think Because A Celebrity Acknowledges Your Existence, You’re Immediately Friends.
I’ve been promoted by celebrities on social media. But does this mean I can call them my friends?
I can’t even call some of my real-life friends my friends.
I got an email the other day from my friend Wayne Berrins instructing me never to use his name on TN.
He’s lucky I respect his wishes.
There you have it. Call this an electrical intervention.
Maybe you have more examples of people taking themselves too seriously on the Internet you can share.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for a photo shoot.
Follow me on Twitter here.