The 7 Things You’re Not Allowed To Say About Someone’s Appearance.

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This will make sense later.

The following post may offend you.

You might own some of the afflictions I list, and cry all over yourself after reading this.

Then you’ll flee my website to take shelter in the nourishing bosom of a lolcat.

Devastating.

But I have to write this, regardless of who I injure.

Since I was just a young and supple boy, I’ve been insulted by thousands of people.  Each shattered my emoticons until I retreated into the dank caverns of my parents basement to become what I am today.

A douchey blogger.

So don’t fear if you have any of these afflictions.

I have dozens more.

The 7 things you’re not allowed to say about someone’s appearance.

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No blog list can contain the amount of problems I have.

1. You’re Very Gummy.

When someone smiles and it’s all gum.  You know what I’m talking about?

I was on a date once with this girl, things were going well.  Then she smiled halfway through.

It took you half a date to make a chick smile.  That’s what your readers are taking from this.

All gum.  Super gum.  Like, maybe some teeth?  I couldn’t even tell.

That’s when you know it’s gummy.

When teeth is a crapshoot.

2. Your Body Odor Is Very Pungent.

Check this one off for me.

I’ve been told I smell.

Mostly by my mom who says Did you just work out?  Maybe a shower is good.

Then I have to lie and say I did work out.

Then she looks at me, I look back at her.

Blink.

We both know I don’t work out.  I’m staggeringly obese.

It’s the dance we have to dance.

3. Your Kids Are Ugly As Ass.

There’s something that separates us from animals.

A zebra can look at its kid, who might have some jacked-up tic-tac-toe stripes, and think god, my kid looks like shit.

Humans can’t do this.

We immediately think our kids are beautiful, even if they’re alarmingly ugly.

Humanity needs to learn from the zebras.

4. You’re Balding, Ma’am.

If a guy’s bald, it’s hilarious.

Homer Simpson, Uncle Fester, Britney Spears.

But if a chick’s balding, we’re not allowed to say anything.

Equal rights my ass.

5. You Make Horrible Clearing-Your-Throat Noises.

Check another off for me.  I do this often.

I think I’m allergic to something.  I’m constantly clearing my throat without saying anything.

It’s vile and disgusting and you know what?

You can’t say anything about it.

Hilarious.

6. You Have An Errant Nose Hair.

Have you ever been in a meeting and someone with a lot of power gets up to say something.

He’s saying these first quarter results are disappointing, people.

And all you can think of is hello nose hair!  You grew so long!  All your brothers and sisters grew an appropriate length but you don’t fit norms, do you?  You are the Yao Ming of nose hairs.

Okay, maybe I just do that.

7. You Have A Uni-Brow.

Check another off for me.

I’m pretty hairy.  Think Teen Wolf at 29.

Or the werewolf in Twilight minus the people liking me.

I think it’s still hard to tell someone they look like Bert from Sesame Street.

There you have it.  See?  It wasn’t so bad.

I know you’re thinking twice about sharing this article because it could offend so many people.

But do it, anyway.

You’re helping to trim the errant nose hairs of humanity.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to take a shower.

Question: What’s missing from this list?

Tell me I have a unibrow on Twitter here.

dee@tremendousnews.com