5 Reasons Why We All Click On Lists.

This man is a pioneer of Top Ten Lists.  And, coincidentally, the first person to blame for your ADD.

This man has created a monster.

As you survey the Internet each day, you’re assaulted with information.

Health care reform.  Pass.

Tiger Woods is a whore.  Pass.

15 New Fruits You Haven’t Discovered Yet.

Fuck yes.


Why do we suddenly care about fruit?

Here’s why.

5 Reasons Why Lists Command Our Attention.

1. Numbers give us hope.

I read this article about how the Colombian drug war utilizes natives as vessels to propel the cocaine trade.  Interesting.  What if it were named “Top 5 Reasons Why Natives Shouldn’t Be Used As Mules [LMAO].”?


I care now.

2. We want to be angered.

In elementary school, the girls in my class put out a list called “5 CUTEST BOYS IN FIFTH GRADE.”

I didn’t make the list.

I know!


But I had to find out who made the list.  Ben?  BEN!? That dude always, always has boogers hanging out of his nose.

I can’t beat boogered-up Ben?


3. We feel like it’s simple enough for our dumbness.

When I wrote The 10 Annoying Phrases You Need To Stop Using, people came to read it.  However, my original title was, “A Few Annoying Phrases That Are Annoying And Then Some Other Shit I Just Kind Of Stuck In There Because I Got Distracted By Cheese Cubes.”

Nobody came.

Simplify for the masses.

It’s the only way to attract interest.

4. We love reading headings.

A real article is full of boring-ass text.  Headings are great.  In fact, I bet a large portion of you are just skimming headings.  Which means, for my vigilant readers, I will bury a reward right here for you.  One that is only for you.  A revelation of mine that nobody knows.  Ready?

Sometimes, I pee when I laugh.

5. We love an end.

We love endings.  Like when we’re in class.  We knew school ended at 3:30.  We knew the bell would ring and we would be re-released to a place where people didn’t ask us to carry the ones, or photosynthesize stuff.   A wonderful world where a “cosine” didn’t exist.

There was finality.

Which is what we love about lists.

I better end it here.

My mom just brought me cheese cubes.

Make me laugh on Twitter here.