The Olympics are being hosted on the same part of the planet I’m stepping on right now.
In tribute to this, I’ve decided to honour my nation’s people the only way I know how.
By totally making fun of them.
If you’re not Canadian, you might know a Canadian or someone you highly suspect of being Canadian. Here are fifteen signs to know if you’re talking to one.
1. We Are Completely Comfortable With The Term “Homo Milk”.
In Canada, this is an acceptable type of milk. I remember when someone asked my mom what type of milk she gave me as a child. I braced myself for a devastating mental image.
He loves homo.
Because that’s not confusing.
2. We Correct You When You Say “Soda”.
We’ll say, “you mean pop?”. And then creepily stare at you until you call it ‘pop’.
3. We Are Offended When You Ask Us If We Know A Friend Of Yours Who, Coincidentally, Also Lives In Canada.
You’re from Canada? Do you know my friend Tom? He lives in Canada too.
Ever since Canada was invented, we’ve been asked this question. The American soldiers did this during the War of 1812.
Good war, dude. Good war. I think my buddy Jacques lives up in Canada. Vancouver or some shit. Tall guy, eyepiece? You probably know him.
4. We Don’t Think “Legalizing Marijuana” Is A Debate.
I’ve never met a Canadian with another view on it.
Or I might have, but I was watching Garfield 2 while eating cookie dough.
Odie’s a bad ass.
5. We’ve All Rolled Up The Rim To Win.
Ask any Canadian you know if they’ve ‘rolled up the rim’.
They’ll say yes.
It’s not naughty. It’s way lamer than that. It’s a contest that a coffee shop ..
Actually fuck it.
6. We’ve Been Jealous Of Someone Else’s Toboggan.
A ‘toboggan’ is a nice wooden snow sled.
When I grew up, I had to go sledding using the lid of a garbage can.
So maybe this one’s just for me.
7. We Think ‘Beaver Tail’ Is Delicious.
A beaver tail is a pastry, covered in syrup, ice cream, cream, and some fruit that we pick off it because it’s all gross and healthy.
8. Our Parents Have Tied Our Mittens Together With A String So We Don’t Lose Them.
My mom would tie my “wool gloves” together and put them through my winter jacket so I didn’t lose them.
This seemed like a good idea.
But since they were pink and I was a freaking boy, mom I doubt they’d go unnoticed.
9. We Were Raised, In Part, By Mr. Dressup.
I’m twenty-nine, so this might not be true of older Canadians. Or like, super hot college chicks who think I’m all old and gross now because they don’t know who Mr Dressup is.
10. We Grow Playoff Beards. (Not The Women) (Hopefully)
During hockey playoffs, players will not shave. So when they win the Stanley Cup, it looks like Hamas is playing for the New Jersey Devils.
For some bizarre reason, some fans who support the team, decide to grow beards too.
I look like I’m in Hamas even in the off season.
11. We Are Angry That We Can’t Watch The Same Commercials As Americans During The Superbowl.
Instead of the cool commercials everyone talks about, we get “Tom Ford’s Nissan Dealership, Now Open In Bolton”.
Your name’s Tom Ford, douchebag.
Pick the right car company.
12. We Know Where To Get Good Poutine.
Because it is the nectar of our people.
For the last three, I asked some friends of Tremendous News for help. Here they are.
13. When We Hear “In The Five-hole” And “Spending Some Time In The Box”, We Don’t Think Dirty.
It’s hockey. It’s pure. It’s our game.
Alex Ruiz, Calgary Flames TV.
14. We Give Directions Using Liquor Stores And Beer Stores As Geographical Benchmarks.
Ok, you know the beer store at Jane and Dundas? Go east until you get to the liquor store then take a right.
Jeff Marek, Hockey Night In Canada Radio.
15. Canadians Never Think Anywhere Is Cold Outside Of Canada
Whaaaa? This isn’t cold. Winter of ‘94, my eyelids froze shut, and I still walked to school.
Nia Vardalos, Actress, Screenwriter, My Big Fat Greek Wedding, My Life In Ruins
There you have it.
Send this to a Canadian friend to see how many of these things they can relate to.
You can follow me on Twitter here. Let me know if you have any friends in Canada.
I was probably jealous of their toboggans.