I’m not smooth in real life.
I’ve been called “socially awkward”, “a little weird”, “creepy and gross.”
Mostly the last thing.
Which is why I’ve retreated to the darkness of my parents basement to write articles on Twitter.
Due to my un-smoothyness, I try not to interact with anyone on Twitter. I look at the people following me as make-believe.
Like the Care Bears.
You guys are all the Care Bears.
Which is good, because I’ve made some horrible mistakes. I’m going to share seven of the most embarrassing. Perhaps I’m not alone.
1. Sending Out A Tweet That Was Supposed To Be A DM.
I tried to privately send a DM message to one of my electrical friends.
Glenn, you see Alyssa Milano’s new profile pic? That chick’s bangin’ hot. eeet! eeet!
Only not just to Glenn. To everyone that follows me.
So now people know I’m like totally checking out Alyssa Milano behind Alyssa Milano’s back.
I use the term “eet eet”.
And I’m friends with a guy named Glenn.
2. Asking Your Followers To Send You A Message If They Want You To Follow Them Back.
I see this all the time.
Someone will write “@reply me if you want me to follow you back.”
I mean, I guess that’s nice. But imagine you’re the person who has to send that horrible message.
It appears you’re not following me. Can you please follow me back?
What that really means is.
It appears I’m Twitter’s social leper. You clearly had an opportunity to follow me, but elected not to. So now I will publicly beg for your friendship.
3. Answering Every Question A Celebrity Asks.
I follow this one girl who sits there and answers every question Kim Kardashian asks.
Even the rhetorical ones.
And because I’m hilariously unemployed, I will read her entire page. And then I realize something.
Kim Kardashian is this individual’s imaginary friend.
4. Clicking On DM Spam.
Is this u in this vid? Click here.
Then you click it.
How many videos have you done in your life, crazy pants?
How many videos have you done that you think would be sent to you via DM on Twitter by someone you don’t really know.
5. Asking For More Followers.
Hey guys, trying to get to 1000 followers by midnight. Please RT!
Let’s translate that.
Hey guys, I bring absolutely nothing to the table. But follow me so I can get to an arbitrary number. Thanks you guys!
6. Asking A Girl For A Twitpic Of Herself When Your W Key Is Broken.
This might just be me.
7. The “Oh Shit” Tweet.
There’s this breathtaking event that happens on Twitter. Someone you follow sends a tweet and you can only say “oh shit”.
juss got back from the clinic, peeps. burning shud stop in a few weeks.
mah boobs are itchy. lmaoz!
anyone in the greater orlando area got any crack? please RT
Thanks for that.
People think Twitter’s a friend they can confide in. It’s not.
Not your friend.
Twitter’s a big douchebag that remembers everything and will throw it in your face when you’re at your most vulnerable.
You think Itchy Boobs rocketing up the corporate ladder?
There you have it. Let me know if you’ve done any of these things, or see me do them live on Twitter here.
And if your name is Glenn, I’m sorry.
The last thing anyone needs is a bunch of angry Glenns.