5 Reasons Why Google Buzz Will Fail.

Photo by Danny Sullivan

Today, Google launched “Buzz”, its major strike into the boobs of social media.

Listen, friends. Listen.

Hear it?

That’s the sound of every social media maven, guru, cowboy and expert convulsing in tantric release.

They’re ready to call this the “Twitter killer”, the biggest threat to Facebook, a “social media revolution.”

They’re ready to speak about it at your conference immediately.

Hilarious.

I may not know much about anything else in life. Employment. Cleaning my toothbrush so my mom won’t yell at me anymore. Women.

But I know social media up the ass.

Forget how I worded that.

Here are the five reasons why I think Google Buzz will fail.

1. The Name Isn’t Lame Enough.

Look around at the networks you use. The names are devastating.

Omg you guys. Seriously. We should make like a book full of faces.

I totally want to drive my feed into all of my friends.

I just yelped!

Boom.

Names.

People love lame names for their social networks. ‘Buzz’ isn’t lame-cool. It’s the name of your uncreative neighbor’s Rottweiler.

2. It Has Too Much Shit.

We like social networks that are simple.

Twitter. 140 characters. Simple home page. Put up one picture. Nobody needs you to start creating.

Facebook. A little more. But in the end, just your picture and the horrible shit in your life.

That’s it.

With Google Buzz, crazy things are happening.

GPS coordinates.

Really.

There’s a chick on my Facebook who spirals into confusion when I poke her.

You think she needs GPS mapping?

3. Social Networks That Work Don’t Need Fancy Press Releases.

Or press conferences. Or mentions on CNN.

I want to be part of a social network that doesn’t have a PR department.

Does that make me medieval?

4. It Doesn’t Appeal To My Alarming Vanity And My Even-More-Alarming Insecurity.

I need the pain of having someone unfollow me.

Then I need the joy of having a super hot chick follow me.

Then I need the pain of knowing the super hot chick is actually selling teeth whitener.

Can you do that Buzz?

I thought so.

5. The Social Networks We Love Start From The Grassroots.

When Facebook and Twitter began, they were just a bunch of dudes throwing some shitty site out there. But from that small start, just a bunch of random people starting small, people bought in. They grew the network.

The people did.

Twitter, Facebook even YouTube exploded because they were unknowns becoming knowns.

Google is an established player trying to find venues to sell more ads.

That’s not very grassrooty.

Grassrootish.

Whatever that word is, that’s what they’re not.

There you have it. You probably have other, more hurtful thoughts on Google Buzz.

If you would like to shatter me emotionally on Twitter click here.

If you want to poke my hot body on Facebook, click here.

What’s your prediction on the future of Google Buzz?