Meet The 5 People Who Will Ruin Twitter.


The movie Avatar is about a planet of people attacked by a much stronger force.

They have to battle back, these underdogs, to protect their land.

If you’re reading this, you come from another planet too.

The devastatingly nerdy world of Twitter.

Don’t fight it.

Don’t fight it.

Embrace your nerdy body.

Your world is under attack too.

Today, I will show you the enemy.  The people that you’ll see on Twitter pumping their tiny fingers and expelling tweets that could soon signal the end-times.

And after months, maybe a year, if Twitter dies, you’ll know why.

You’ll circle back to this post and laud me for being right.


I’ve always wanted to be like, totally lauded.

Let’s begin now, with the 5 people who completely ruin Twitter for the rest of us.

1. The People Behind Those Horrible Trending Topics.

Right for the juggernaut.

I know you feel uneasy.  Because you’ve thought about this, too.

You’re frightened, scared.  Let’s unpack your thoughts.

Don’t madden them, TN, they’ll make a hurtful trending topic about your penis!

That would be better than the shit that’s out there.

You know you ugly when.


Wifey her if.


Rihanna’s forehead is bigger than.

OK, that’s funny.

The point is, the hijacking of Twitter’s trending topics by asinine shit will destroy the validity Twitter has a mainstream news and information source.

And if you don’t believe me, there’s no way you’d be my wifey.

2. The Twitter Spambot.

The Twitter spambot is a reincarnation of the the Friendster webcam chick.

It’s the same person, people.

When I was on Friendster, striking out with chicks, I remember my first friend request.

Alicia in a super tiny bikini.

I immediately started dating her in my mind.

I added her.  Messaged her.  Introduced myself.

Hi Alicia!  I’m 23.  I like puzzles and juice boxes.  Maybe we can like totally do each other?

I put my emoticons out there.

Days later, a response.

Ur CUTE!  Do you want to see steamy pictures of me?  Join my private chat room, and receive five free minutes of me on webcam.


And more Alicias arrived.  Thousands and thousands.  Flooding Friendster until we all fled, flailing our girl arms in the air.

And now we’re on Twitter.

Alicia knows.  She’s here with all her super hot friends.  Selling us webcam sessions, teeth whitening, affiliate marketing scams.

When the Nigerian bankers find out how to give us inheritances in 140 chars or less, we’re all fucked.


Dreaming of super hot spambots and a love that could not be.

3. The Vapid Celebrity.

I like celebrities on Twitter.  I follow a lot of them.

But the ones I don’t follow still manage to get into my stream.


My stream.

And more will arrive.  More of the vapid celebrities with nothing to say.

The ones with “armies” of fans.  They’ll flood us with hundreds of their devastating thoughts.

omg people. I keep loosing my iphone.  arrgh.

on the set of a new photoshoot!  don’t worry.  gonna take pics for you guys.

hey tweeps!  at a VIP party just ran into puffy. lmaoz.   big things!!

What are we supposed to do with that?

4. The There’s-No-Such-Thing-As-Too-Much-Information People.

For these people, Twitter is like a psychiatrist, a close friend, and an STD doctor all in one.

They share everything.

And as Twitter grows, more of these people arrive.

My bum itches you guys!

I’m smoking crack and shit!

No offense but Canadian people are gross.

Thanks, people.

Thanks for that.

5. The Social Media Douchebag.

Our biggest threat.

Before Twitter, they roamed the world as social outcasts.

Unloved and unwanted.

Like me right-now.

And then Twitter gave them a chance to fashion a new persona for themselves.  Where people would listen to them.  Respect them. Pay them for their thoughts.


But the thin veil of celebrity that they’ve tried to create will soon fall.

And we’ll all totally see their pee-pees and wee-wees.

The pee-pee of fraud, the wee-wee of bullshit.

Let’s hope it isn’t too late.


Even though the social media douchebags have harpooned me with hurtful comments, I continue to fight them.

There you have it.

The 5 people who will ruin Twitter.

I know what you’re thinking.

Well you can just not follow them.

I know that.  And I don’t.  But just like Alicia in her tiny bikini.

They multiply.

And once they outnumber us all, nothing can stop their super hot web cam sessions.

Follow my super hotness on Twitter here.

Question: Who else annoys you on Twitter that I left out?