The 5 Things You’re Jealous Of On Twitter.

This is me cry-dancing to the Ting Tings.

You think I’m strong.

That’s why you come here.

Like a hungry seal pup, you come to nurse from the teat of my intellect.  Yearning for more.

Ha!

Teat.

But I’m not strong sometimes.  Sometimes, I’m weak.

Sometimes I cry.

I’m a real human boy with real human emoticons.

I get jealous.

I know many of you manly-men are parading around in your capris pants saying Ha! You’re like a little girl, jealous.  I never get jealous.  Go fix your ovaries.

And that may be true.

There could be some of you reading this that truly never get jealous.

This article isn’t for you.

It’s for us sucky-babies.

The people who never realized how insecure we were until Twitter came along.

Twitter is where I learned that being unfollowed means that even in just 140 characters, people can’t stand me.

Devastating.

Let’s unpack my pain, friends.

Here are the five things Twitter has made you and I jealous of.

1.  People Who Have More Followers Than You.

The currency on Twitter is how many followers you have.

As soon as I land on a Twitter page, I perform the following check list.

1. Is this chick super hot?

2. Can I like, totally do her?

3. Wait, is that a dude’s package?

4. Oh dear God, is this a guy?

5.  I think it’s a guy!  Recover.  Recover.  Why am I still on his page?

6. Is it weird that it’s actually a nice package?

7. Of course it’s weird. Block him so you never see his package again.

Then, after that emotional spiral, I will look at how many followers this individual has.

And I will judge him.

5000 Following, 74 Followers: Gross.

100 Following, 100 Followers: Cute.

100, 000 Following, 100, 000 Followers: Robot.

1 Following, 1.29 million Followers: Everyone hates you.

2. People Who Are Followed By A Celebrity You Like.

I don’t know who Scott Weinger is.

I know he lives in Texas because his Twitter page says so.

But what else does he do?

Nothing.

He probably eats cheese cubes and drinks Tropical Burst Kool-Aid all day in his parents basement with a rickety fan blowing in his chubby face.

Fine that’s me.

But you know who thinks Scott Weinger is cool?

Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House.

That’s who.

And I go to Scott Weinger’s Twitter page.  I sit there and refresh while crying all over myself.

What do you have that I don’t, Scott Weinger?

Refresh.

Why does Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House like you and not me?

Refresh.

I just ran out of cheese cubes.  This is even worse now.

3. People Who Get Paid To Talk About Shit They Barely Know About.

I wrote a series of posts on Social Media Douchebags who pretend to teach their clients about Twitter and Facebook.

We all laughed.

Great time.

But as much as I despise them, I’m jealous of anyone who can convince a dopey company that they actually know how to help them with social media.

I mean, if you use the term “let’s connect on Facebook” and someone pays you, the universe is unhinged.

4. People With Book/TV/Movie Deals.

As Twitter blows up, new stars are born.

And quickly, they are given book, TV and movie deals.

While I eat Pez.

Every day with the Pez.

Look, I know that if anyone gave me a book, TV or movie deal I would mess it up somehow.  My TV show would be called “22 Minutes of Boobs”, my movie would be called “96 Minutes of Boobs” and my book would be called “Boobs in a Book”.

So I’m not so much jealous of the people who are getting deals as I’m mad at myself for being an incredible shithead.

Boobs are my Achilles heel.

5. Celebrities On Twitter.

There’s a painful reality you have to meet when you’re on Twitter.

A truth I’ve never wanted to face.

Tila Tequila.

Is.

Influential.

I couldn’t even type that without breaking it up so I could exhale.

But it’s true.

Vapid celebrities just like her jump on Twitter, tweet about how the media are ‘meanies’, and lolz about it.

While humanity dies.

But for some reason, I find myself jealous of them.

Like when Lisa Rinna, star of Melrose Place, began to follow me.  I was excited.

I told my mom.

Lisa Rinna is following me, mom!

She followed you where?  Is she here?  Tell her I made juice.

And then I tweeted once, and thirty seconds later, she unfollowed me.

This taught me a valuable lesson.

Never tweet.

What did you not like about me? Besides everything.

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There you have it.  I know it’s bad form to discuss what you’re jealous of.  I know that in the comments, I’ll get hurtful responses like You’re a bitter person and You’re the only one who’s jealous and You’re mom can’t make good juice.

But I told the truth.

That’s what I’m jealous of.

I ask you a question now.  Are you jealous of anything?  Has Twitter made you bitter about something?  Or am I alone in this.

You can follow me on Twitter here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I better get back to writing Boobs in a Book.