I’m not done with the douchebags.
After I wrote the 5 Signs You’re Talking To A Social Media Douchebag, I was met with heavy feedback.
Social media douchebags used social media to attack me.
Should’ve seen that one coming.
They called me pretentious. Said “I didn’t get it”. Made remarks to their thousands of spambot followers who they got using auto-follow scripts.
Tremendous News is out of touch, @teethWhitenerPro2010. I hate him.
But I expected that.
What I didn’t expect was for dozens of social media douchebags, the exact same people I was talking about, to agree with me.
Their own doucheyness prevented them from believing I was actually talking about them.
And now they’re running around the Internet sharing my article to others.
Siding with me.
How dare they.
For the 99.9% of the non-douches reading this, I’m sorry.
But I have to call the 0.1% out.
It’s my duty as an unemployed and horribly off putting blogger who still lives in his parents’ basement at 29.
I’m going to hit them where it hurts.
If you use any of these terms regularly, you’re the person I’m talking about.
1. “Participate In The Conversation”
Brands need to participate in the conversation. Hello!? Stop sitting on the sidelines watching social media go by.
Translation for normal people: Leave a dopey comment on some random blog.
They will tell everyone to participate in the conversation. They’ll never say “talk” or “comment on blogs.”
Way too simple.
I’m looking at you Mike from Mike’s Shoe Mart in Lackawanna. Participate in the conversation!
Then Mike from Mike’s Shoe Mart in Lackawanna will sprint to Twitter and blast out some incoherent tweets about his Shoe Mart.
Hey people! We have shoes!
Then the social media gurus, noticing that Mike is now tweeting, will push further.
Participate, Mike. In the CONVERSATION.
Mike frantically responds to people who don’t give a shit about his Shoe Mart.
Hey @Jack_Welch! We have shoes!
In our shoe mart!!
Hours later, Mike from Mike’s Shoe Mart is blocked by 289 people.
2. “Monetize Your Social Media Presence”
I’m so impressed with the social media gurus I met during TweetExpo ’10. They’ve learned to monetize their social media presence. I have so much to learn! #fail
What it means to normal people: One of the douches finally got a check.
If social media douchebags could bang words, “monetize” would be their Megan Fox.
3. “Social Media Rockstar”
Want to shout out my good friend Edgar from Palo Alto. Dude has over 100 K followers. He’s a social media rockstar!
What it means to normal people: If your auto-follow scripts have run long enough to get you over 100 thousand followers, you can call yourself this.
Social media douches will pretend like they don’t like this term, but deep inside, it brings them unparalleled joy.
I hate the term ‘social media rockstar’. I’m just a guy working hard for brands.
No, Jim! You’re totally a social media rockstar. I learned everything I know about “leveraging insights” from you.
It’s about the customer experience, grasshopper.
Oh Jim! That’s such a social media rockstar thing to say!
A rockstar? Really.
Hendrix. Ozzy. The Beatles? Yes.
Some dude who guest posts on Mashable?
4. “You’re Doing It Wrong.”
Denis Leary just joined Twitter and has 78 000 followers and is following nobody. Hey Denis! You’re doing it wrong.
What it means to normal people: Someone has upset them. (Hilarious).
I put this number four because I know social media douches reading this have said this at least four times while reading this blog post.
I wish I could throw my half-soy, half-milk extra-hot double-shot peppermint mocha at my MacBook right now. Tremendous News is doing it wrong.
I am doing it wrong.
I am douchier than you.
And I love it.
But I’ll never tell people they’re doing it wrong.
The only person who can tell me I’m doing it wrong is the girl I’m making love to.
5. “Social Media Is All About …”
Social media is all about engaging. Interacting. Online experiences. Community building. Conversation. Viral. Buzz. ROI. Collaboration.
What it means to normal people: This is where they explain all of social media in just one off-putting word. It’s magical.
Social media douchebags pride themselves in using a single word to explain large collective behaviors.
They’ll say that to you.
At some conference.
Then they’ll be silent so you can think about it.
Meanwhile you and the rest of the audience zone out into a coma.
Those are good words, gurus.
Now try using more.
If you use some of these phrases, sometimes, don’t worry.
I’m not talking about you.
If you have these phrases on slides in a presentation you’re about to deliver at a “podcamp”, then yes.
I’m talking about you.
Did I miss any other phrases? Please leave them below.
You can follow me on Twitter here.
Unless you’re Mike from Mike’s Shoe Mart.
I get it, dude.
You have shoes.