The 5 Ways To Handle Rejection.

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God may have shortchanged me.

I wanted a young, taut body.  He gave me a lumpy mess.

I wanted a super hot chick.  He gave me XBOX Live.

I wanted writing success.  He gave me a blog that’s consistently beat by cats playing with string.

And still, I believe.

I believe God, aka He-Man, will deliver fortune.  One day, it will arrive.

Call me a man who believes in hilarious dreams.

Pilot now, with me.  Through the horror of my life.

29.  Male.  Living with parents.  Man boobs.  Fat.  Lazy.  Hairy. Unemployed.  Cries a lot.  Drinks a lot.  Sometimes together.

That’s where I am.

There.

During summer, last year, my mom sat my staggeringly obese body down for a talk.

My mom and I are close.  We’ll sit by the TV as I feed myself and gab like a couple of yentas.  I unpack my problems, she tells me it’ll be OK.  Then she brings me celery sticks with Cheez Whiz on them and Pez candy for later.

She’s my best friend.

Ladies?

Try to control yourselves.

This talk was different.   She issued me a warning.  A fatwaa if you will.  She said Your father and I are worried.  We want you to be happy.  But you must look for work.

Work?

I have zero ability.  I can’t cobble.  Never swept a chimney.  Can’t churn butter.

No pliable skills.

I don’t want you to think we want you to leave our house.

Oh good!  Because I’m not.

But you must earn money or no girl will want you.  And we want you to have a girl because we won’t be here forever.

Damn it.

I was banking on the them-being-here-forever part.

So I tried.

Deep in that summer, I tried to do my mom proud.

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I looked at myself.  And found my skill.

Writing.

This.

Stop laughing.

It’s hurtful.

I thought up a story.  I wrote it into a screenplay idea for a movie.  Wrote it into a TV script.   Even wrote the story into an outline for a book.

Funniest shit I’ve ever written.

I found a large unit I could carry it in.

Ha!

Large unit.

Then, after I had my arsenal of works, I went out to sell it.

For months, I tried to electrically mail agents, publishers, producers, directors, strippers.

Anyone that could help or was super hot.

Nothing.

I was met with a flurry of no’s.  Passes.  Heart-breaking rejection.

My emoticons were shattered.

But I’ve come out an expert.  So if you, like me, are trying to achieve a dream, this list for you.

Five ways to handle rejection.

1.  Deny That You’ve Just Been Rejected.

The easiest way to accept rejection is to pretend like it never happened.  I learned this in high school when I tried to get a date for the prom.

Hey dude.  I heard you asked 63 girls to the prom.

Did I?  I feel like it was less or none.

No man, everyone’s talking about how you got rejected by every chick in our high school.

How about Esther?  That cock-eyed chick with the limp.  I haven’t asked her yet.

She pre-emptively rejected you yesterday.

2. Passive-Aggressively Smile And Pretend Like You’re Happy Even Though A Piece Of You Is Dying Inside.

I know it comes off creepy, but still.

It’s my go-to.

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Don't I look happy about you not wanting me?

3. Pretend Like It’s Better That You Were Rejected.

This is my favorite way to handle rejection and probably the most popular.

It’s also the most asinine.

Hey dude, heard you applied for a job at RIM.  President of Blackberry Operations.  How did it go?

Didn’t get it.  I’m temping at McDonald’s now.

Oh no way?  Well I guess it’s for the best.  McDonald’s has good benefits.

This is better.  I’m really glad I didn’t get that RIM job.

Ha!  RIM job.

4. Compare Yourself To Other More-Talented People That Were Also Rejected.

As I continued to get rejected, I received a lot of this:

I’m not a good fit to be your agent.

Which we all know means:

You’re not talented enough for me to represent you.

So then I quickly remembered Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House.

Do you think Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House just magically became one of the most important comics of our generation?

Hell no.

He probably did his “Cut It Out” thing with his hands for the first time, and people were like dude, that’s completely unfunny.  In fact, it would be an insult to the universe of comedy if you ever became successful.

But did Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House listen?

No.

Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House stuck with the cut-it-out thing.  Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House spit in the face of the rational expectation that anything he attempted in comedy would be met with silent blinking.

Nothing can cut out how much you mean to me, friend.

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5. Believe In Yourself.

After the four different ways of handling rejection above, I always end up here.

I think about what I can do.

Write.

I write well enough for people to find me less off putting than I appear.

I write because I enjoy making guys and super hot chicks giggle.

Actually, guys?

Don’t giggle.

But I believe one day, I’ll achieve something here.

And you should too.

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In my mind, she's reading Tremendous News.

I hope this helps you.  I’ll continue to get rejected.

But at least my mom knows I’m trying.

She’ll be there to talk.

There to listen.

She’ll just be there.

Even if I don’t get a RIM job.

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Question: Do you have any rejection stories that are more hilarious-ier than mine?

Follow me on Twitter here.

dee@tremendousnews.com