This post is dedicated to me.
Me, a year ago.
When I had just 3 followers on Twitter and so few friends on Facebook they put me in that “Reconnect with loser-guy” window.
People looked at me and were saddened.
But not sad enough to add me.
And to anyone who’s just a little guy like I was. Like I am. Like I always will be.
Let my words be your anthem.
To many, the Internet is a world full of promise.
To others, a ripe field ready to be harvested by douchebags.
Both are true.
I think the first douchebag was the knight in medieval times. You just know he clickity-clanked across the village in that dopey metal armor and thought he was so cool.
Oh look at me. I have armor!
And then he’d return to the castle and push the jester around with his joust. Jousting him in the ass, perhaps.
Ha! Stupid jester. I’m like totally jousting you in the ass right now.
He felt entitled. He felt better than others.
But when he retired to his chambers and took that armor off, he was just a simple man.
A human. Like the rest of us.
And that’s what a douchebag is. Someone who thinks he’s better than others. Someone who we get douche chills from.
And today, they’re flooding social media.
Here are five signs you might be talking to one.
1. Nobody Knows What They Actually Do.
When you try to find out what a social media douchebag does, you’re in for a dizzying deflection.
Hey man, what do you do?
I leverage insights.
No, seriously. What’s your day job?
I put brands at the forefront of social media revolution.
Does that pay your rent?
I own a Mac Book buddy. I’m doing just fine.
They will always tell you that they own a Mac Book or any associated Apple product so you know they’re doing well.
Apple is the douchebag emblem.
2. They Actually Think They’re Internet Celebrities.
When I wake up in the morning, my mom calls me a lot of things.
But never has she called me “a celebrity”. Nobody has.
Because I’m not.
I know that no matter how large my Internet following, I’m still an incredible shithead.
Social media douchebags don’t think this way. If you’re talking to them, they’ll actually believe they’re important on the Internet.
They actually believe they’re a celebrity.
If you have to preface the word with “Internet”, you’re no celebrity.
3. They Will Speak At Any Event.
Like ravenous wolves, they’ll circle any event and offer their speaking services.
You want me to speak at BlogConf ‘10? Because I’m available.
Of course you’re available.
These people need to share their expertise about Twitter and Facebook.
The expertise they garnered from the 3 years they’ve been using it.
Just like the rest of us.
4. They Recommend Their Friends Who Are, Coincidentally, Also Douchebags.
Douchebags always “shout out” their douchebag friends. They look forward to seeing them at some dopey conference where they can drink together after a hard day of doing nothing.
While you “work” at a “job” in “real-life”.
You’re so lame.
5. They Always Need To “Rate A Brand”.
If you see a brand, let’s say KY Jelly, holding a contest on Twitter, you’d say Oh neat! My favorite personal intimacy fluid is on Twitter.
To a social media douchebag, this is a call to action.
They will immediately dissect the campaign and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10. Then they will blog, tweet, Facebook update and flickr that shit until any energy around the contest is completely vanquished and people begin to hate KY Jelly.
KY really needs to “humanize” their efforts. Twitter’s a conversation, KY! Gah. It’s about engaging.
Because nobody knows what that means.
Rating brands is the douchebag nectar. They must nourish themselves by rating everything, every day.
There you have it. The signs you’re talking to a social media douchebag.
Let me end with the fact that many people think I’m a douchebag.
People on Facebook, Twitter, several of my uncles, girls I’ve admitted to having crushes on, Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House.
So I’m not just calling people douchebags without admitting that I, too, am one.
But this needed to be said.
It’s about time jesters weren’t jousted.
In the ass.
Question: Did I leave out any douchebag signs?
Are you on Twitter? Do you want me to ruin it for you? Follow me here.