The 5 Signs You’re Talking To A Social Media Douchebag.

knight2

This post is dedicated to me.

Me, a year ago.

When I had just 3 followers on Twitter and so few friends on Facebook they put me in that “Reconnect with loser-guy” window.

People looked at me and were saddened.

But not sad enough to add me.

Bastards.

And to anyone who’s just a little guy like I was.  Like I am.  Like I always will be.

Let my words be your anthem.


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To many, the Internet is a world full of promise.

To others, a ripe field ready to be harvested by douchebags.

Both are true.

I think the first douchebag was the knight in medieval times.  You just know he clickity-clanked across the village in that dopey metal armor and thought he was so cool.

Oh look at me.  I have armor!

And then he’d return to the castle and push the jester around with his joust.  Jousting him in the ass, perhaps.

Ha!  Stupid jester.  I’m like totally jousting you in the ass right now.

He felt entitled.  He felt better than others.

But when he retired to his chambers and took that armor off, he was just a simple man.

A human.  Like the rest of us.

And that’s what a douchebag is.  Someone who thinks he’s better than others.  Someone who we get douche chills from.

And today, they’re flooding social media.

Here are five signs you might be talking to one.

1. Nobody Knows What They Actually Do.

When you try to find out what a social media douchebag does, you’re in for a dizzying deflection.

Hey man, what do you do?

I leverage insights.

No, seriously.  What’s your day job?

I put brands at the forefront of social media revolution.

Does that pay your rent?

I own a Mac Book buddy. I’m doing just fine.

Remember.

They will always tell you that they own a Mac Book or any associated Apple product so you know they’re doing well.

Apple is the douchebag emblem.

2. They Actually Think They’re Internet Celebrities.

When I wake up in the morning, my mom calls me a lot of things.

Lazy.

Fat.

Unclean.

But never has she called me “a celebrity”.  Nobody has.

Because I’m not.

I know that no matter how large my Internet following, I’m still an incredible shithead.

Social media douchebags don’t think this way.  If you’re talking to them, they’ll actually believe they’re important on the Internet.

They actually believe they’re a celebrity.

Hilarious.

If you have to preface the word with “Internet”, you’re no celebrity.

knight3

My mom yapping through Rock Band.

3. They Will Speak At Any Event.

Like ravenous wolves, they’ll circle any event and offer their speaking services.

You want me to speak at BlogConf ‘10?  Because I’m available.

Of course you’re available.

These people need to share their expertise about Twitter and Facebook.

The expertise they garnered from the 3 years they’ve been using it.

Just like the rest of us.

4. They Recommend Their Friends Who Are, Coincidentally, Also Douchebags.

Douchebags always “shout out” their douchebag friends.  They look forward to seeing them at some dopey conference where they can drink together after a hard day of doing nothing.

While you “work” at a “job” in “real-life”.

Ha!

You’re so lame.

5. They Always Need To “Rate A Brand”.

If you see a brand, let’s say KY Jelly, holding a contest on Twitter, you’d say Oh neat!  My favorite personal intimacy fluid is on Twitter.

Ha!

Intimacy fluid.

To a social media douchebag, this is a call to action.

They will immediately dissect the campaign and rate it on a scale of 1 to 10.  Then they will blog, tweet, Facebook update and flickr that shit until any energy around the contest is completely vanquished and people begin to hate KY Jelly.

KY really needs to “humanize” their efforts.  Twitter’s a conversation, KY!  Gah.  It’s about engaging.

Really.

Because nobody knows what that means.

Rating brands is the douchebag nectar.  They must nourish themselves by rating everything, every day.

There you have it.  The signs you’re talking to a social media douchebag.

Let me end with the fact that many people think I’m a douchebag.

People on Facebook, Twitter, several of my uncles, girls I’ve admitted to having crushes on, Dave Coulier from TV’s Full House.

Everyone.

So I’m not just calling people douchebags without admitting that I, too, am one.

But this needed to be said.

It’s about time jesters weren’t jousted.

In the ass.

-

Question: Did I leave out any douchebag signs?

-


Are you on Twitter?  Do you want me to ruin it for you?  Follow me here.

Read: 5 Terms Social Media Douchebags Need To Stop Using.

dee@tremendousnews.com




  • When I had just 3 followers on Twitter and so few friends on Facebook they put me in that “Reconnect with loser-guy” window.

    http://www.annmackiejohnsondds...

  • I believe social media or networking does make you a kinda douchebag, as in the beginning we all start as unknown and later we try to be known to many. Funny, isn't it?

  • Thanks for taking the time to discuss this, I feel strongly about it and love learning more on this topic. If possible, as you gain expertise, would you mind updating your blog with more information? It is extremely helpful for me. Dog Training Tips |
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  • We can all learn something new everyday. Impressive page you're having in here. Thanks!

  • Nice Douchebag  ..i like this

  • COLLIN

    I like being a douchebag

  • Hi there,

    Thank God I am not alone in this avalanche of douchebags.
    I wrote a little piece on this using real quotes from social media douchebags, you might want to have a peek.
    http://juliopeironcely.com/arc...
    Cheers,
    Julio

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  • wrinklecreams

    I feel like a douche right now! my business (not my online business)
    other business in the real world is stupid and everyone I have to talk
    to is a douche bag 

  • Thanks a bunch for sharing such an informative post with us. For real!

  • Too many of these guys are running around taking money from hard working people. This article needs to be published higher in google!

  • Thanks a lot for posting. The information is really helpful with my research. 

  • Moneymack55

    I feel like a douche right now! my business (not my online business) other business in the real world is stupid and everyone I have to talk to is a douche bag

  • Really impressive post and you have explained everything very nicely.

  •  I can't say I've not made that same transformation, but I know I haven't made half of those mistakes. You didn't miss anything that I could tell. Great post.

  • Jester

    Douchebags really do equate social status and financial security with Apple products. Sad...

  • Nice! I'm trying not to be one...

  • Ah! This is so funny it hurts because its true. Oh man I have tears especially because of this "Rating brands is the douchebag nectar." I actually think the internet is dead and being run by mindless self indulgent zombies but you gave me hopes that ther might be isolated islands of life that have not be infected by guru disease.

  • Liz

    Why is "douche bag" being used as a pejorative? Is it because the very idea of a douche is insulting to women and men alike (apparently, a vagina is like a self-cleaning oven, i.e. not in need of a douche) -- who the fuck gets to tell us how to clean our bits? Still, it bugs me, the use of douche as an insult, the same way "pussy" or "cunt" as an insult bugs me. It's not really apropo, but it needed to be said.

  • I would add that they also complain a lot to your list. Social whiners if you will

  • TwitterSucks

    @blogging4jobs Is a Social Media "Assassin". Perhaps the douchiest of all social media douchebags.

  • terrylbanta

    My rage-inducing "favorite" douche that I follow obligatorily tweets "Good morning!" every morning at around 5:30am, as if to say, "Look how dedicated I am to my self-professed obsession with social communication; I just never unplug lookatmelookatmelookatme."

    *punch*

    Thank you for this post.

  • In defense to those douche bags, to which I suppose I could also become someday, some who appear to be a douche bag can actually be providing quite useful information, depending on if the content interests you or not. But... I do know quite a bit social media douche bags.

  • Sorry, I clicked the "like" button... but it was a mistake.

    You've just read the awful truth, and you are still desperate to became one of them (I can smell it)

    The only reason they provide useful information is to boast about how smart they are. Useful information that you could have easily found yourself. Nobody is really smart retweeting bit.ly links.

    Hoping that you stay normal...

    Cheers from a social-media-douchebag-phobic!

  • SomeActualHuman

    I love you, very well said. Cheers to another actual human being that realizes how sad and robotic all this douchey internet attention/cashgrabbing is.

  • lagunatic

    Does this mean I shouldn't go to BlogHer to meet my bloggy girlfriends so we can drink together IRL instead of on Twitter?
    Harsh, dude.
    *sigh* Throw me on the douche pile, I guess.

  • SomeActualHuman

    You look like a douche.

  • Impressive, you said what I've been thinking. I thought myself and a couple of others were the only ones left aren't marketing experts.

  • redbyron

    I think "douchebag" is too kind a word for those whoremongers.
    I was thinking more along the lines of "social butt pirates".

  • Interesting post but from one douchebag to another I only give it a nine out of ten. You should have admitted you are one too.

  • sheldon50

    That would be the 6th sign...no? Not reading the entire article and then commenting as if you did...douchebag for sure

  • He did.

  • Ant

    I'm really glad you've pointed these out because I too know the exact things to target if someone is for real or if they are just trying to push something on you...and you've hit every point where someone is trying to push something on you....I mean come on man! We're really just trying to get to know each other and help each other out...that's what social networking is all about...stop trying to force people to do things and being, none better stated, a social media doosh bag.

  • Ben

    Immediately after I tweeted the Social Media Douchebag article, I was auto-followed by a social media douchebag. FAIL, @TBsocialmedia.

  • mrswhich

    One other sign - they actively unfollow you if you don't follow them within a day - of course, that's not a bad trait in this case, but still...

  • You cast a very wide net and disparage many along with your few. Macs dominate Advertising and Video production. Mostly for good reason. As Windows and Linux machines have their own advantages to their followers. So to own a Mac is not to be a douche bag. However, to BRAG that you own a Mac Book laptop as justification for excellence is not proof of anything.

  • Nice! I'm trying not to be one...

  • Niall R

    bloody funny stuff, no matter how many followers you have you're still a douchebag.

    hahahahahahah

  • Just got here from Griz's blogger blog and its really interesting read. No matter how much you make on internet, you can't call it a real job. Is It?

  • I found you from Griz. I go to anything he recommends. This is a great post. In fact I read a few on here that I liked. Even re-tweeted a couple. I'll be back. You just got yourself a new fan. Good stuff!

  • chipsouza

    Griz interrupted my day of Strategy Analyzing so that I should read this. Very nice! By the way, I wholeheartedly agree with this sentiment... I have a Twitter logo on my website, but it doesn't link to anything. My own personal protest against Douschebagging..... okay, back to my development spreadsheet as an action step to personal branding. DOMAIN FOR SALE: www.socialbrandimage.com All douschebag offers will be considered.

  • metalpig

    lol... that's funny, thanks Griz for pointing me here!
    oh, wait I'm an apple user too, so that means am also qualified as a douche bag? dang... time to shout out to my friends out there... =)

  • Jon

    I'd tweet this but I'd loose half my followers... Most of my followers are sensitive social media douche bags just looking for a follow back.... of course they'd think this wasn't about them and they'd then RT it endlessly... but I'd feel bad for setting them up like that.

  • Serene

    Actually, make that a social media douchebag wannabe. That level of douchebag-ness hasn't been reached yet.

  • Serene

    It's funny how I was linked here by a social media douchebag. Oh well, shan't piss these "celebrities" off.

  • BethRedux

    This is why I changed my Twitter user name last year to "TheRealBeth," and added "guru of my life" to my profile. How many have the same name on Twitter, but claim to be the "real one?" I had to do it to laugh at them-because we're all real. And until I see a degree, stamped from an accredited college stating someone is an expert in anything -I'll still laugh at you. Having the ability to type @, #, RT and links doesn't make one a guru. My 7 year old cousin can do it.

  • so true. it's so funny because it's not even possible to be an "expert" on this stuff. anyone calling themselves an "expert" is already giving themselves away. so silly if it wasn't so sad. just follow the money as they say!

  • Lin

    hahaha, thanks Griz for pointing us over here. The "artificial semen" post cracked me up! Off to read some more...

  • Oh and btw like everyone else is saying, this captures the phenomenon beautifully. Whoever mentioned the top (number) lists they love to blog, that was right on as well.

    Strangely, I have many great friends who are wonderful in real life, but instantly transform into SMD when they're behind a keyboard. It's such a shame.

  • But I use an old MacBook I inherited* from my dad who bought it from eBay. Before that I had a 4 year old PowerBook that was dented and peeling and missing a bunch of keys. Surely that doesn't qualify me as a douchebag? I've been using Macs practically since I was born. It's not my fault the Moleskine-toting Vespa-riding crowd discovered them!

    *he didn't die, he got a MacBook Pro

  • Thanks to Griz I found this wonderful post. If it wasn't for the internet the douche-bags would all be "in" Amway.

  • LMAO .. thanks to Griz for pointing me here cuz I haven't laughed that hard all day. My favorite line is "Douchebags always “shout out” their douchebag friends.".. I've never heard a truer statement. Seriously.

    Nice post dude lol.

    TriNi

  • Dang, you can thank Grizz for sending me over, cuz, in fact, my presence here means you have hit the big time.
    --D-bag Al
    :)
    good stuff!

  • Trudy

    Hey, I resent the Apple reference. Plenty of douchebags use PCs. Apple owners think they are cool but they don't try to feign brilliance for ownership of a Dell or HP. LOL. "Ooo...look, my computer cost a quarter so I am automatically smarter than you!!!" LOL.

    Nah, just playing. This article is on point and funny as hell.

  • LOL! This made my day lol

  • Oh, this is good. One douchey thing you left out: When Dbags cram a RT of someone mentioning their infamous name in a tweet only to say "hey look I'm cool! I got mentioned on Twitter". Paaaahleez, just say thanks...maybe even DM it. Now that would be humble, huh.

    F'n hilarious! Love it.

  • jeniene

    Who knew a douchebag could be so brilliant and funny.

  • ...and I thought social media comedy didn't exist.

  • Love it! IMO, if someone is a guru, celebrity, or expert, they don't have to tell people about it. People will already know. If you tell people, "I am a celebrity!" or "I am a guru!" or "I am an expert in XYZ!", you are either actually saying that you have aspirations to one day be one of those things and fancy yourself as someone with a good start on it, or you're as wacky as the lady who came up to me on the street the other day yelling that she was Mary Quant and had sex with John Lennon the previous night.
    But what do I know, I'm just an Oscar/Tony/Grammy quality actress and musician (I've done some extra work and some shows at school) , personal finance expert (I like, totally balance my checkbook, and do my own taxes online every year), and guru of the NYC city scene (I know a good place to get sushi in Brooklyn).

  • Amber

    HaHa. I realized I was a social media douchebag when I thought about arguing that leveraging insights IS a job and IS doing something. Oh well, at least the bills got paid this week.

    Very insightful!

  • Nicely put. So, are you going to offer to speak about this at every SM event in 2010? ;-)

  • O.M.G. all so true, so spot on. kept punching air at each sentence. And sooooo sooooo funny. Well done for a douchebag. 'fraid we all are douchebags one way or another cuz we all think the Internet is THE thing to do nowadays, nevermind that our engaging is so lame....

  • Ah! This is exactly how I've been feeling for the last few months. Twitter's become one big circle jerk. At least with Facebook I'm actually acquainted with the people in my network and have some interest in knowing what they're doing or what they're thinking. I find myself less and less interested in people I follow on Twitter because there is that lack of an actual relationship. It's like, you're at a bar, and you strike up a conversation over a similar interest, but then there's no real connection. Yet, dude is still talking.

    Seems like I need to clean up my Twitter feed.

  • Albert

    Er, you seem to be exactly the douche bag you're describing. I'm glad my life's not stuck in the bog of social media - I just visit occasionally. But I take exception to the fact that just because I have an iMac computer with an Apple emblem on it, you call me a douche bag. Ah, but I've fallen into your trap, wasting precious time on someone whose life is stuck in the bog of social media. Keep it up - you're doing good.... inconsequentially.

  • Hahaha, What a giveaway, douchbag! xD

  • Enjoy.

  • migotona

    ahahaha made my morning

  • rofl, this is an excellent read. you sooooo made my day with this.

  • Saidokan

    Great read! Full of esprit. Now, I can better orientate myself in the Digiverse + I learnt what "douchebag" means :-) Waving my hand from the other side of the Atlantic: Have a nice morning.

  • What a relieve to read this, Thanks!

  • ljo4ever

    Excellent insight, thanx for info

  • pattihunt

    Brilliant stuff! I know someone who calls himself a digital specialist, does that count? I am worried if I ask for a demo, it might require intimacy fluid.

  • That's funny!

  • This made me so happy.
    Of course, I'm only commenting because some social media douchebag told me it is something I should do.

  • A douchebag you may be, but at least you're not a "Social Media Douchebag", so be at ease.

  • Nah, you got'em covered. Good too.

  • Amazing post!

    The one thing to add, in case nobody else has mentioned it is the term 'Guru' (especially of the social kind). It makes me vomit-tickle in the throat; though 15,000+ people beg to differ on Twitter.

  • Massen Gail

    Don't forget that douchebags love numbered lists:

    5 ways to douche this ; Top 10 things douchers do for SM sucksess.

    Douchebag will certainly be on the top 10 words of 2010 list

  • This is too funny. Great post.

  • maggiedarwin

    Just so's you know...the weapon a knight uses when jousting is called a "lance".

  • Vinegar&Water

    I was going to tell him that, but I didn't want to wind up looking like a douchebag.

  • Haha, lovely article, all the points are spot on :D

  • not rating it, but yours+mine intimacy fluid is the shit. oh and i hate a foursquare doucher who tweets his location every hour. this is meaningless info unless i want to hang out with you, and if i want to hang out with, i'll text you. but since you flooded my stream, it's become useful info cuz now i will avoid that corner you're on.

  • stuartthompson

    I love the fact that growing up I was the nerd for being into all things tech. Now I'm the nerd for not being into all things new tech. I play farmville or petville. I don't care about Mafia Wars, and I rarely check FaceBook. How times have changed. Seems I'll always be the outcast.

  • Dean

    Hilarious post! I couldn't agree more. Probably made me laugh more when I realized how many douchebags will read this and not realize you're talking about them. Sadly, there have been times where I have been guilty of said douchebaggery, but I have never owned a MacBook, and I like to think I've evolved. Sort of. I guess pulling out a word like "douchebaggery" lessens my cred, though. Heh.

  • thats the only people that will follow me though lol

  • seh

    Living in a Big City means you get to meet/be spoken at by the same SMDBs over and over at local events. I know that it is probably hard finding the line between being a SMDB and just being professional and an expert on a topic. I think you've helped establish some guidelines. I'd call out people I think do a good balance, but then I'd just be a DB, myself.

  • tmac20043

    To be fair, TN isn't really a Social Media douchebag, because he can't afford a Mac, has never been to a tweetup outside of his bus route, or been with a woman (seems implied)

    He is just a regular old douchebag, which isn't nearly as funny....more sad

  • The product is called a MacBook, no space.

  • mike

    Phil, I think you just qualified to being a douchbag!

  • Jeff

    No, but being anti-MacBook is douchebaggery. Stop hating shit you don't own.

  • TheReason

    I'm a Mac and I'm a PC, when I'm stealing computers.

  • Yep, definitely qualified as a D-bag.

  • TheReason

    I'm so glad that I use a PC and am entirely against everything Apple.
    This will guarantee that I'll never be allowed into the social media douchebag kingdom.

  • loving your work, this post was the icing on the cake of my day.

  • Hahaha, very entertaining. Good read

  • -1-

    A year ago there was no reconnect-with-the-loser window on Facebook. A proper Internet douchebag would know that (obviously I do, so gimme a moment to extract my foot from my mouth please).

    I would end this note with a little kiss for you but we don't know where my mouth has been. Or, really, we do.

    Shutting up now.

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