I’ve always wanted to write a douchey article teaching people how to get more Twitter followers.
The only problem was, I had none.
But now that I have a few, I can drive my doucheyness right up your grill.
In 7 simple ways, I’m going to show you how you can get more people interested in your horrible life.
It worked for me.
1. If You Don’t Lie, We’re Stuck With Reading About Your Actual Life.
Everybody hates these tweets:
Ugh. So tired this morning. Need my coffee!!!!
Work’s almost done! Can’t wait to get out of here.
Your life is so pedestrian, reading your own tweets should shame you back to Friendster.
Lie to us.
Oh man! Just woke up next to an unconscious hooker. Ha! Is there any other kind?
Isn’t it weird that no matter how many times you commit manslaughter it feels like your first?
Bitchslapping a basset hound!
2. Be Helpful, But Only To Hot Chicks.
One of the things I do well is assist super hot chicks using Twitter.
OMG you guys! im like trying to twitpic my area but its not working. grr
That’s when I come in and show her how to “log in”.
Boom, she follows me.
Boom, all her perverted guy fans follow me.
And that twitpic?
3. Don’t Converse.
Everyone encourages you to “converse” with your followers.
Engage. Twitter’s like a cocktail party. Mingle, listen, learn.
I’ve never been to a cocktail party where 30 dudes suggest I read about new Wordpress themes.
The fact is, Twitter is whatever you want it to be.
I choose to be a big douche who never responds to anyone.
I’m like a nerdy Boo Radley.
For some reason, it works.
4. Don’t Let The Link On Your Twitter Profile Link To Your Twitter Profile.
Link to your blog, your Facebook, nude pictures of yourself.
Just don’t link back to your own page.
I’m not that bright.
I’ll sit there and click.
5. Don’t Follow Too Many People.
If you follow up to your maximum, it’s a little like saying Howdy folks! I bring absolutely nothing to the table.
You would say ‘howdy folks’, wouldn’t you?
You really do bring nothing to the table.
The point is, people don’t want to follow people who just follow anyone.
Don’t let the people on Twitter pass you around like currency.
6. You’ve Got One Shot To Impress Someone.
Remember, people decide if they’re going to follow you in 3.2 seconds.
In that 3.2 seconds, they’ll look at your picture, read your bio and survey your following count.
Pick the best picture, make your bio scintillating and the following count will come.
I just made up “3.2 seconds.”
I wanted you to think I had like, stats and shit.
7. Don’t Worry So Much.
When I was a kid, I wanted friends really badly.
Mostly because I had none.
So I’d offer everyone my toys. My books.
Not my food, though.
Fat kids know where to draw the line.
The other kids sensed my desperation. And they didn’t have respect for me.
The same thing happens on Twitter. People can sense that you’re hungry for followers.
So the guys who auto-follow, the girls who unfollow thousands of people so they can appear to be celebrities.
To you, you’re cool. But to the rest of us, you’re the try-hard lonely fat kid, clinging to his Jello Pudding pop.
Don’t worry so much, friends.
You get the most followers when you stop caring.
There you have it.
I have to run.
There’s a basset hound that needs to be bitch slapped.
Send me twitpics of your area on Twitter here!