I’ve read the People Of Earth letter.
I’ve surveyed the damage.
I’ve monitored Conan’s progress on the Tonight Show. Watched Leno at 10pm. DVR Letterman.
I’m as close to a late-night expert as you’ll ever meet.
Which, coincidentally, is also why I’m unemployed.
I like Conan.
I just can’t understand why he’s so mad.
In a lot of ways, this is the best thing that could’ve happened to him.
The best thing would be him doing well on the Tonight Show and none of this actually happening.
But then I’d have nothing to expose.
And I feel like exposing.
Usually, that sentence would get me in trouble.
Let’s delve into the reasons why Conan should be happy about all of this.
1. You’ve Officially Buried A Decaying Franchise.
For some bizarre reason, people seem to think The Tonight Show is still the cornerstone of late night.
That show ended when Carson left. Leno fashioned his own success and, as unbelievable to me as it is, consistently owned the time slot.
When Conan came along, he inherited the time. That’s it.
The franchise was dead long ago.
2. Dude, People Don’t Usually Get Fired Like This.
I’ve been fired a devastating amount of times in my life.
I used to sell ice cream during hockey games at Maple Leaf Gardens.
Sell a little. Eat a little.
When my hurtful boss saw my doughy face covered in ice cream, he fired my ass.
Don’t ever come back here again, fatty.
That’s usually how you get fired.
That’s usually how I get fired.
Conan, on the other hand, just got moved. He was going to get paid. He just had to move to midnight.
Best firing ever.
3. You’ve Enraged The Hilariously Bored.
Have you seen the outrage?
People want to boycott NBC.
People want Jay Leno hurt.
People have declared themselves to be part of an imaginary team backing Conan.
Who are these people?
I never understood when people take sides in a comedy war.
There are millions of people funnier than I am. Hell, my readers think lolcats is funnier than me.
But why pick sides?
Comedy isn’t an exclusive choice. Like one. Like none. Like them all.
He’s where I draw the line.
4. You’ll Land Somewhere Where They’ll Give You Time.
It takes time to build an audience. I know this from blogging.
Dude, you’re going to compare late night television to blogging?
To blogging? Blogging. Really?
In my mind, it’s the same. Minus the celebrity, super hot chicks, money, and dignity.
But it’s taken me almost a year to build an audience here.
If the Internet was like, “screw Tremendous News. That blog sucks ass. Let’s give his IP address to another LolCats spin-off,” I wouldn’t be here.
I needed time.
Conan needs time.
He’ll go somewhere where he’ll get that.
If not, podcast that shit.
5. You’re Like TV-Jesus Now.
If I got fired like Conan, I’d probably call a press conference where I cry hysterically for ninety minutes.
Curl into the fetal position while eating hundreds of fruit roll-ups.
Sing Ace of Base over and over to sooth my pain.
Conan, on the other hand, took it well.
He’s crafted a great image of tact and class.
This firing helped achieve that.
There you go. Conan, if you’re reading this, keep your head up high buddy.
It could be a lot worse.
At least they didn’t call you fatty.