It’s no secret that you need to be liked.
You’re emotionally fragile.
You read the headline above and needed to know.
Do people on Twitter like me?
Each day you pump your tiny fingers and tweet random crap about your life. What you ate for breakfast. How your bum looks in jeans. How you feel about politics, friendships, work, love.
How your area looks, if you’re a super hot chick.
I just made the last one up.
Today is the day of nerdy reckoning.
I’ll judge you. I’ll tell you if people like you.
There’s five simple signs.
If you recognize all of these, you’re liked.
If you recognize some, you’re kind of liked.
If you recognize none, you’re liked as much as a raging venereal disease.
Don’t worry if you’re in that last group.
I need some company.
Let’s get started.
1. People Randomly Thank You For Shit You Forget You Did.
I’m not talking about the maniac who thanks her followers every thirty seconds.
I love my twitter twiends! You guys are the best.
26 seconds later.
Seriously guys! I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I heart u all!
13 seconds later.
I just told my husband about how great you all are!
Imagine that husband.
Staring at this woman, this lunatic. Blinking. Zoning out into a coma as she yammers on about imaginary friends like they’re real.
Hoping, wishing, praying for a quick release from the pain.
I feel for you, sir.
But I’m not talking about her. If you get a personalized “thank you” tweet about stuff you forgot you wrote, that’s a good sign.
As long as it doesn’t include the term, “I heart you”.
I speak for all of Twitter when I say, It’s enough already with the hearting.
2. When You Change Your Avatar, People Get Angry.
If people have developed an emotional connection to a picture you uploaded to a website, you’re doing something right.
And they’re doing something horribly wrong.
Either way, if you catch shit for changing your avatar, it means people are engaged with you.
Although if you change your avatar to a picture of you standing in front of a mirror where we can still see the camera, this rule doesn’t apply.
Then, they’re just angry for all the right reasons.
3. People Recommend You To Friends When It’s Not Friday.
Forget Follow Friday. The real time to decide if people like you is on every day aside from Friday.
Never happens to me.
Just once, I’d like to see a tweet like this:
Actually, that sucked.
I want one like this:
Hey Roger, are you following @tremendousnews?! You should! Because if you don’t, I’ll cut you.
4. Even When You’re At Your Most Annoying, People Don’t Unfollow You.
Suppose one day you get all drunk and reveal a deep, horrible secret about yourself.
omg guys… srsly. I kno i shldnt say this but betty white is hot as shit.
Then you attack the creator of Twitter.
hey “jacK”. jackk. whatever your name is man. good job making this twitter shit. now invent some hot-ass girls that like fat guys.
Then you attack all of your followers.
i can’t believe you all have nothing to do except read ‘my tweets’. gawd. twitter’s like a vortex of virginity.
The next morning you wake up and survey the damage.
One new follower.
He likes the pain.
5. People Listen To You.
Look, in real life, nobody listens to me.
Sometimes I babysit my four year old niece and tell her to take a nap.
She stares at me with a look that says really, shithead? Really. Oh okay. I’ll take a nap. Right after I shit my pants and commit a little arson in the basement.
And she’s four.
She really shouldn’t be shitting her pants.
Twitter is different. If you can get people to listen to you, you’re liked. If you can’t, you’re not liked.
The simplest rule.
Just don’t try it by recommending people follow me.
For some reason, I’m as popular as naps.
There you have it.
Hopefully, you scored well.
If you didn’t, don’t worry. There’s still time to con people into liking you.
You can follow me on Twitter here.
I have to run.
Someone just shit her pants.
Electronic mailings go here.