5 Signs That You’re Liked On Twitter.

hotness

Unfortunately, this will make sense later.

It’s no secret that you need to be liked.

You’re emotionally fragile.

You read the headline above and needed to know.

Do people on Twitter like me?

Each day you pump your tiny fingers and tweet random crap about your life.  What you ate for breakfast.  How your bum looks in jeans.  How you feel about politics, friendships, work, love.

How your area looks, if you’re a super hot chick.

I just made the last one up.

Wishful thinking.

Today is the day of nerdy reckoning.

I’ll judge you.  I’ll tell you if people like you.

There’s five simple signs.

If you recognize all of these, you’re liked.

If you recognize some, you’re kind of liked.

If you recognize none, you’re liked as much as a raging venereal disease.

Don’t worry if you’re in that last group.

I need some company.

Let’s get started.

1. People Randomly Thank You For Shit You Forget You Did.

I’m not talking about the maniac who thanks her followers every thirty seconds.

I love my twitter twiends!  You guys are the best.

26 seconds later.

Seriously guys!  I couldn’t have asked for better friends. I heart u all!

13 seconds later.

I just told my husband about how great you all are!

Imagine that husband.

Staring at this woman, this lunatic.  Blinking.  Zoning out into a coma as she yammers on about imaginary friends like they’re real.

Hoping, wishing, praying for a quick release from the pain.

I feel for you, sir.

I understand.

But I’m not talking about her.  If you get a personalized “thank you” tweet about stuff you forgot you wrote, that’s a good sign.

As long as it doesn’t include the term, “I heart you”.

I speak for all of Twitter when I say, It’s enough already with the hearting.

prettyheart

Who would even do this.

2. When You Change Your Avatar, People Get Angry.

If people have developed an emotional connection to a picture you uploaded to a website, you’re doing something right.

And they’re doing something horribly wrong.

Either way, if you catch shit for changing your avatar, it means people are engaged with you.

Although if you change your avatar to a picture of you standing in front of a mirror where we can still see the camera, this rule doesn’t apply.

Then, they’re just angry for all the right reasons.

3. People Recommend You To Friends When It’s Not Friday.

Forget Follow Friday.  The real time to decide if people like you is on every day aside from Friday.

Never happens to me.

Just once, I’d like to see a tweet like this:

Hey Roger, are you following @tremendousnews!?  You should!  It’s really neat!  He’s snarky and fun!

Actually, that sucked.

I want one like this:

Hey Roger, are you following @tremendousnews?!  You should!  Because if you don’t, I’ll cut you.

Better.

4. Even When You’re At Your Most Annoying, People Don’t Unfollow You.

Suppose one day you get all drunk and reveal a deep, horrible secret about yourself.

omg guys… srsly.  I kno i shldnt say this but betty white is hot as shit.

Then you attack the creator of Twitter.

hey “jacK”.  jackk.  whatever your name is man.  good job making this twitter shit.  now invent some hot-ass girls that like fat guys.

Then you attack all of your followers.

i can’t believe you all have nothing to do except read ‘my tweets’.  gawd.  twitter’s like a vortex of virginity.

The next morning you wake up and survey the damage.

Nobody unfollowed.

One new follower.

Jack.

He likes the pain.

dorsey_x220

When you insult this man, he only grows stronger.

5. People Listen To You.

Look, in real life, nobody listens to me.

Sometimes I babysit my four year old niece and tell her to take a nap.

She stares at me with a look that says really, shithead?  Really.  Oh okay.  I’ll take a nap.  Right after I shit my pants and commit a little arson in the basement.

And she’s four.

I know.

She really shouldn’t be shitting her pants.

Twitter is different.  If you can get people to listen to you, you’re liked.  If you can’t, you’re not liked.

The simplest rule.

Just don’t try it by recommending people follow me.

For some reason, I’m as popular as naps.

There you have it.

Hopefully, you scored well.

If you didn’t, don’t worry.  There’s still time to con people into liking you.

You can follow me on Twitter here.

I have to run.

Someone just shit her pants.

Electronic mailings go here.




  • People rike me! They reawy rike me!  O(≧∇≦)O (@Otaku2012:twitter ) 

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  • Yvonnert

    Funny shit. I'm with you all the way on those smothering heart-dispensing stalkers. I like your style ( or lack thereof, actually, I hate style).

  • wow! I read this post and it left a grin on my cheek. I could not help but lol! in the middle of the post. I like the style of the writing too. People should have fun & not be rigid. Be nice and it will show. Do not be EXPECTING people to like you. 

  • Somehow, for some reason, I suddenly feel better. Who'da thunked?!

  • Ingr8clothing

    Funny shit...scares me, and I just started on Twitter.

  • Congratulations for the good laugh I've had thanks to you. This is the firs new article I read by you, and I'm coming back. Promise.

  • Hilarious and I'm following you now! I don't think your "Disqus" is working ... not too happy about that. Oh, it's working now.

  • thanks for the giggle. =)

  • Lalala

    Thank you. Now i know they don't like me.

  • @titleexaminer4u

    Great Article! Thanks for the tips, witty and smart!

  • Funny, but so true.

  • Prathap G

    More food for thought, thanks

  • Hilarious, love the style.

  • I like you and i like it!already said something wrong-twice i LIKE ;but i really like this ,so nice written ,funny ,and if i am not erased after,then i am really liked!
    i'm not complete sure about my avatar ,how people react on changing it,i hope it has accepted,your good intention in helping me about this doesn't make i understand it well.
    Thank you

  • maikeru76

    Nice, common sense tips wrapped in sarcasm and humor, keep these ill posts up!

  • I'm following @tremendousnews now

  • Not only was this funny, this was so true. Great little note combining social media wisdom, real humor and human observation. Thanks for posting... did I forget to say I heart... errr... I mean.. I love my Twitter friends. :-)

    @ImranAnwar

  • fantastic! Very funny and spot on. Thanks, uh, found you via a Twitter friend. Glad I did. I just love my twitter followers. Seriously. Thanks. Needed the laugh and the moment of self-recognition. I'm in the vortex.
    Cheers,
    Mark, aka ev

  • SurfRatt

    I like Betty White .. I'm 25 I'm a guy and I'm not gay..hmm damn it yeah I do like her and I'm proud of it! I have about 70 followers and I have no idea why .. I clean out the porn bots every other day and that leaves these other people who just materialized .. they don't talk that much to me so I have no idea if they read anything I post .. but I appreciate all of them and I spend a lot of time snooping around .. no .. taking an interest in what they are saying to their friends .. maybe they've just forgotten about me and that's a good thing...

  • My new favorite. I'm not putting you on my awesomeness list either.

  • N'yah, N'yah.

  • OMG I'm liked! Thank you! LOL
    You ARE funny. (I like you.)
    xoxox and a little heart ( Just kidding. About the heart).

  • Brilliant.

  • Eric McElwee

    This was hilarious bc Betty White is hot and Twitter is the gayest thing ever. Thanks for the laugh.

  • tweetdecktv

    My whore was conscious, at first.

  • tweetdecktv

    My area will be 51 by the time I get five thousand followers. Thems the breaks.

  • Great read. I don't know if I am liked, but I have kept some followers. It's pretty interesting.

  • LOL ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ ♥ LOL!
    ps: Please delete this comment.

  • I am making that heart shape with my hand around your Twitter avatar, by the way.

  • What basie said! i so <3 you, TN!

  • I <3 u.

  • i agree, people listen to you and retweet back tweets

  • : (

  • Lobsterdom

    Top, droll stuff- it annoys the hell out of me the frequency with which people use LOL for something mildly amusing, but some of your one-liners actually did make me laugh out loud. Stop it. It makes me look like a twat

  • The art of twitter wisdom. You've mastered it, my fine feathered friend.

  • People really like me! Everywhere, every time! That's why there's no need for them to show that they like me on Twitter. Am I wrong? ;-))

  • Happy! Posting a comment here as requested! Thanks dude you make my day every time something like this is up - and I know no one likes me on Twtr already :P

  • Excellent article. H.

  • Haden

    Excellent article. h.

  • Haden

    Excellent article. H.

  • Ebenites

    people like totally love me.... I know it!

  • That was GREAT!

  • Darn it, people like me!

  • Sam

    right on

  • People send my mentions saying that they are unfollowing me for not tweeting enough...

  • haha -- ROFLMAO -- jolly good laugh my friend...
    Am I wrong in guessing losers read this in hopes of wondering if they're actually liked...lol

  • tmac20043

    to be honest, I didn't even know people followed me, how do you check that? whatever, I like it when you drunk tweet, you're finally interesting...

  • LOL - I am loved judging by your list! I still have ppl griping about my old avatar picture and I've had this one since July!

  • Dee, Don't even think about changing your picure. We love our pile of newspapers.

  • I don't know why I continue to read you TN, you usually wind up making me feel shitty about myself for one reason or another...Oh well, maybe I just enjoy feeling shitty about myself. I still heart you. Oh, and that heart picture....*I* would do that---but you probably knew that already.

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