5 Ways To Improve Your Life (Even If You’re Lazy)

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New Year's Eve 2010 in my parents' basement. I know. Typical.

I’ve come to the sobering realization that I may have a few issues.

It hit me on New Year’s Eve.  I was singing “If I Needed Someone” on Beatles Rock Band in my peejay pants with the racing stripe.  I rest the microphone on my ballooning belly and play the guitar at the same time.  I also eat during musical breaks.

Ladies?

How much do you want this.

As I welcomed in a new year in my parents’ basement, the lyrics started speaking to me.

Carve your number on my wall

What kind of life is this?  29.  Still living with my parents.

And maybe you will get a call from me

Right now, super hot chicks are parading around the city in their tiny panties.  And I’m here.  Alone.  On New Year’s Eve.

If I needed someone.

I do.

I do need someone.

A day later, she arrived.

Suzy Welch, best selling author of 10-10-10, and co-author of Winning came into my life with a quick message to say hello.

After that, I creepily watched her appearances on The View and The Today Show.

I watched as she explained how to live a better life.

We emailed.  I tried to impress her.  We connected.

She became my electrical angel.

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Suzy Welch of the Welches.

Although if Jack Welch, Suzy’s husband and super-successful businessman is reading this, I mean it in a totally platonic way.

But dude.  Seriously?

Your wife’s hot.

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Jack Welch is like, totally cool if I hit on his wife. If you never see another post from me, send for help.

I told Suzy my issues.  Five of them.

She gave me advice on each.

And since you, my creepy reader, is nosy and bored, I’ve decided to share them with you.

I’ve learned five ways to make my life better.  Even though I’m incredibly lazy.

Let’s get started.

1.  Diet

A typical day for me is like a parade of horrible decisions.  It’s almost like I make each one to dwarf the last one in sheer stupidity.  Take my diet, for example.

I drink sodas, drink a lot of alcohol, constantly feed myself like a ravenous baby gorilla.

I add butter to already-buttered popcorn.  Eat jelly beans in the morning.  Cheese cubes.  Pez.  Sour Dinousaur Eggs.  It’s endless.

Suzy, what can I do to correct my diet but still maintain the deliciousness that I crave?

Suzy: Mr. Tremendous – and I hope you don’t mind me calling you that – I don’t want to disappoint you, but I think your diet is great. Some of the most successful, smartest, and supremely powerful people I know are unusual eaters. My husband, for instance,considers Charleston Chews a food group.  He’s eating one right now, as a matter of fact, and I can’t help but notice he’s becoming more successful, smarter, and even more supremely powerful before my very eyes. Good Lord, he’s just bought the Yankees, Red Sox, and the Federal Government.  He’s freaking amazing!

Wait, what was your question?

2.  Exercise

I have a jello-like texture to my body.  If I run, I jiggle.  When I notice the jiggling, I halt.

Then I think the jiggling is over.  I really do.

But it’s not.

Not over.

Which is why I don’t run.  No chick wants to bang a dude that jiggles.

I also don’t like lifting weights, or that ab-ball thing.  What’s with that thing anyway?  Oh what.  I’m going to caress a giant latex ball for an hour?  Whatever dude.

Suzy, what can I do here?

Suzy: I’m sorry, I can’t answer this question right now. I’m desperately trying to get the image of you jiggling out of my head – forever.

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3.  Career.

I don’t have one.  I have a sweet setup with the parents.  Rent-free.  Mom does my laundry, cooks me meals, cleans.  If I weren’t such a social pariah, I’d publicly encourage every 29 year old to live with their parents.

Except I yearn for more.

I don’t have many skills.  Maybe write.  But I don’t know what to do with it.

I have no direction.

I want to be a screenwriter of a talkie.  A talking picture of some sort.  Or perhaps I can write a television series that could be better than the Golden Girls.

I know what you’re thinking.

Nothing is better than the Golden Girls.

Or a writer of a book.  Maybe I can just print off every blog entry, glue it together and sell it on the street to frightened pedestrians.

Suzy, give me direction.

Suzy: You’re 29, Mr. Tremendous. Puh-leez. It’s time for a memoir! Make it deep. Make it emotional. Make it real, gripping, poignant, scary, funny, and all those things wrapped in a ball and set on fire.

Just DO NOT mention the jiggling.

4.  Love

People say love is about being completed by someone else.

Ha!

Being completed.

Sorry, I just mean it’s about finding yourself in someone else.

Ha!

In someone.

I think this is the area where I have the most trouble.  I mean, all I want in life is a super hot chick to want me.  Is that too much to ask?  And if any of them ever date me, I promise I will desperately cling to her and never, ever let go.

Restraining orders are just another way to say I love you.

But I’m lonely, Suzy.  I want a chick to grow old with.  To play Beatles Rock Band with.

To like, “care” about or whatever.

How do I achieve this?

Suzy: Unfortunately, having seen it all as an advice-spouting, your-best-kinda-life guru, I’ve become all-too-familiar with the inexorable fact that women, even great women, are drawn to losers.

Just give yourself more time.

5.  Wealth

I have a bus pass that I use to get to a variety of pubs I drink at.  My mom still buys me clothes from Sears.  I eat meals at home, so I live quite a thrifty life.

Although one day, I’d like to have some disposable income.

So I can dispose it on some cool-ass shit.  Like ice my teeth up with gold and diamonds and stuff.  And pay an oompa loompa to hang out with me.  In full costume.  And regale me with song.

Suzy, how do I get money so I can ice my teeth up with gold and diamonds and have an oompa loompa regale me with song?

Suzy: Are you pulling my leg, Mr. Tremendous? Your parents have a garage, don’t they? Just get your butt in there and invent an amazing new technological device that will change the world as we know it. Things like that always happen in garages, especially if you go a couple weeks without sleeping and showering, and subsist only on cold pizza crusts.

Also, make sure you have a friend helping you, like Steve Jobs.

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There you have it.

I urge you to follow Suzy Welch on Twitter here and pick up her best selling book in bookstores now.

I will be taking her advice and we shall reconvene in months to give you an update.

Suzy, thank you for the help.

Now if you’ll excuse me.

This Rock Band won’t play itself.

Follow me on twitter here.