5 Questions To Ask Yourself Before You Send That Tweet.

You yearn to be a Twitter star.

Deny it.

Flail your girl-arms in the air.

I don’t want to be a Twitter star, Tremendous News.

Really?

What if I told you I could give you 50 000 followers right now.  Would you take it?

Of course you would.

See?

Don’t ever lie to me.

I’m definitely not a Twitter star.  I thought, for a brief moment, I might be.  When PC World and MSNBC called me one of the 10 funniest people on Twitter.

I printed the article and showed it to my mom.  She said:

So?  When it says 10 people who don’t leave their socks on the floor and put them in the hamper like a good boy, then tell me.

Foiled again.

So I guess I’m not a twitter star.  Just a dopey guy with disgusting personal habits.

But here are the five things I ask myself before I send any tweet.   It’ll help you.

1. Have I Checked My Spelling and Grammar?

There’s a pack of ravenous nerds out there that froth at the mouth when they see the your/you’re mistake.

It drives them mental.

This is why I check my spelling and grammar on every tweet.  I don’t want to drive these people crazy.  Trust me.  They’re actually mental.

They could be considering a job.

Marty, thank you for coming in today to interview.  I think your fantastic.  I want to offer you the job, along with a $5 million dollar bonus.

Um.  Did you just say “your fantastic”.  ”It’s you’re”, dumbass.  You can take your $5 million and shove it up your ass.

2. How Negative Is My Tweet?

I have two other accounts I write for fun, Loaded Santa and Creepy Cupid.  They’re both incredibly negative.

One shits on Christmas, the other on love.

But that’s why they’re seasonal.  People can only take negativity for so long.

So if you dump on your friend Sarah who’s an evil bitch, people will grow tired of it.

You can only dump on Sarah for so long.

..I know.

Right there?

I’d make a joke about “dumping on Sarah”.

Look at me.

I’ve like, totally grown as a person or some shit.

3. Am I Just Sending This Tweet So People Don’t Forget I’m Around?

I’m not a scientist, but if you dissected the hearts and minds of people on Twitter, here’s what you’d see.

Be in the right slice of this horribly misshapen pie.

4. Is My Tweet Sized Right?

The perfect size is 111 characters.

How do you know?  Do you have a factoid that can prove this statement.

First, never use the word “factoid”.

Ever.

111 characters is the perfect amount to fit your name, someone else’s name, and your horrible “personality.”

Trust me.

We’ve seen your tweets.

Your personality can fit in less.

5. Will This Tweet Stand The Test Of Time?

Sometimes I look back at my tweets and cringe.

I wrote these:

If cougars had a pioneer, it would be Andrea from 90210.

Awful.

Baby, I’ll take you anywhere.  Anywhere that accepts a coupon I printed off the Internet.

Awful.

When you use the term ‘tworny’, it implies that you’re aroused on Twitter.  Also, that you’re an idiot.

OK, that wasn’t bad.

But the point is, those tweets don’t stand the test of time.  That’s what you’re looking for when you tweet.

Timelessness.

I went to a website to find my first tweet ever.

February, 2009.

I was just a young and supple newbie.

Here it is, this is just after the Chris Brown-beating Rihanna debacle.

Well as long as Chris Brown is ’saddened’ after the Rihanna incident let’s all carry on and enjoy his absolutely awful music again.

See?

Aim higher than I did.

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There you have it.

I hope you answer these questions before you send every tweet.

Now, if you’ll excuse me.

I have to go put my socks in the hamper.

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Follow me on Twitter here.