I follow about 500 people on Twitter.
The perfect amount.
I never miss anything anyone says.
Plus, I tell my mom I have 500 friends.
It’s not not-true.
As we know, Twitter is plagued with a raging undercurrent of insecurity.
People don’t want to offend their followers because if they do, someone they don’t know won’t read what they have to say.
Makes total sense.
I’ve noticed people I enjoy following are worried that they’re tweeting too much. And since I can’t just say tweet on, friend, because that’s alarmingly creepy and nobody says tweet on, friend, I will craft a handy list of signs so you know if you’re tweeting too much.
If you do these things, you tweet too much.
But don’t stop. Don’t stop. In fact, tweet more. Screw your followers.
I have since February.
Let’s get started.
1. When Someone Tells You “You Tweet Too Much”, It Emotionally Destroys You.
Someone telling you that you tweet too much is hard to take. It’s like when someone tells you that you ‘talk too much’.
What are you going to do to defend yourself?
Way to show them.
2. You Poll Your Followers With The Question “Do I Tweet Too Much?” And Then Hate Anyone Who Says Yes.
There’s this 20 year old chick I follow that tweets a lot. Anything she’s doing, she’ll tweet it.
hey guys! uhh…jus wakin up.
where’s my snooze haha there it is
brushin mah teeth lmao
On and on. All day.
You’d think I’d unfollow her, right?
From her, I harvest tiny medallions of Twitter culture to present to you on this blog.
She’s my golden goose of vapidity.
Especially when she does this:
grrr some dood jus told me dat i tweet 2 much. pfft. whatever lmao
She finally breaks.
Then she waits.
Then I wait.
Some guy from El Paso nervously emerges from the darkness. He summons the courage to tell her the truth. The honest answer to the question she asks.
you could tweet less, Sara!
oh whatveer im unfollowing jerks who are mean
What a poll.
3. You Put Yourself In A Self-Imposed Tweeting Timeout.
I’ve done this.
When I feel I’ve overexposed my super hot electrical body on Twitter, I will take myself out for days at a time.
Just so that people want me more when I return.
Then I return to the crushing reality that nobody noticed I left.
Timeouts are hurtful.
4. You Celebrate Tweet Milestones.
Guys! Only 3 more until I have 10 000 tweets!
This individual is celebrating his 10,000th tweet.
Celebrating how many tweets you’ve written is like celebrating how many calls you’ve made on your cell phone.
Hey, you busy? I won’t take long. I just wanted to call and let you know this is the five thousandth call I’ve made. Can you believe it?! This call right now! I know right? I just checked my call log and it was at 4999 and I was like, holy shit! I need to call someone and celebrate.
5. You Have 7-Tweet Sagas.
If you have to continue your tweet across seven different tweets by using (cont.), you defeat the entire purpose of Twitter.
Your analysis of Twilight New Moon isn’t an epic trilogy.
140 characters is the limit for everyone, yappy.
There you go.
If you think you tweet too much, I have a message for you.
You don’t need followers who unfollow you because of it. They’ll be replaced.
It’s up to them to organize their shit into nerdy columns.
Just keep doing what you’re doing.
Wait! I can sum it up in three words written in highly off putting italics.
Tweet on, friend.
Follow me brushin’ mah teeth on twitter here lmao