10 New Year’s Resolutions People On Twitter Need To Make.


As New Year’s quickly approaches, I’ve been thinking about my resolutions.

Eat less, work out, be nice to people.


Stupid crap like that.

But then I realized that making resolutions for myself was boring because I had to follow through.

And really?

I’m devastatingly lazy.

Which is why I thought of 10 for you.  The people of Twitter.

Read them.  Own them.  Do them.

You’ll thank me later.

1. I Will Call Out Any Person Who Has An Avatar Image Taking A Picture Of Themselves In The Mirror Where You Can Still See Their Camera.

For years, this person has been allowed to roam free, infecting social media sites with their reflection-image.

Most of them are dudes who just got back from the gym and need to take pictures of their tricep progress.

I’m all for that.

Taking pictures of your tricep progress.

My triceps have been buried in fat since ’97.

Zero progress.

Let’s make ’10 the year we call this picture out.

2. I Will Try My Best To Never Feed The Trending Topics That Sound Like They Were Invented At Recess.

We live in a universe where a plane could crash in Jamaica and 8 of the 10 trending topics are about the turn ons of high school students in Georgia.

Don’t fight it.

Intellect will always be defeated by weed.

3. I Will Never Speak Twenglish.

Yes, yes.

You add a “tw” to a word, and all of a sudden it’s twitter-related.


Leave it in ’09.

4. I Will Not Fight About Super Nerdy Shit.

I remember writing a post about how I thought Twitter lists were great.  Hate mail.  Flowing hate mail.

Then I wrote about how I like the new RT function.  One guy threatened to punch me out.

Over my thoughts on retweeting.

The anus of Twitter is wound so tightly that even the slightest change can make a yoga instructor from Plano go on an electrical rampage.

It’s Twitter people.

Let’s take it down a notch for ’10.

5. I Will Not Believe Having Thousands Of Followers Makes Me A “Social Media Rockstar”

If Twitter did anything in ’09, it made random nerds believe, really believe, that they were celebrities.

I have an alarming number of followers, but I’m still a shithead.

I can have millions of followers and you know what I’d be?

A shithead with millions of followers.

You’re not a rockstar.

It doesn’t go Hendrix, Ozzy, 19-year-old-kid-from-Orlando-who-knows-how-to-use-bit.ly.

It doesn’t.

6. I Will Not Develop Sexual And Emotional Feelings For Spambots.


Some of these are just for me.

7.  If I Play “Farmville”, I’ll Turn Off Whatever It Is That Annoys Everyone On My List.

And since when do people make-believe that they’re on a farm.

8. I Will Not Convince My Friends Who Aren’t On Twitter That They “Need To Get On Twitter”

There’s a world out there that exists without Twitter.

I swear there is.

And in that world live millions and millions of people that don’t care.

Yet, they hear you yenta about Twitter every day and it drives them mental.

You can tweet without them.

Let them rest.

9. I Will Change My Password More.

Most of the viruses spread on Twitter could be fixed by a simple change in your password.  Also, make your password harder to guess.

Instead of 1234,  delve deeper.

That’s why when I designed my password, I thought about words that were so off putting, so creepy, that nobody would guess them.

And I have the greatest password ever.


That’s called staying ahead.

10.  Cleanse Your List Free Of Douchebags.

And after reading an entire blog post from a self-righteous fat, unemployed guy, I’m pretty sure I’m one of them.  You can unfollow me here.

Actually don’t.

I’m also extremely fragile.

Happy New Year.