How Santa Turned Into A Douche.


Look at you. Prostituting holiday cheer for a steak coupon. Disgusting.

When I was a kid, Santa was cool.

He was friendly and nice.  There was a mystique about him.

And I only saw him once a year.

Mostly because we were poor as shit, and my mom could only survive one bus ride to the mall with me constantly annoying her.

But when I got there, it was a magical experience.

I could hear tiny bells jingling.

Christmas in the air.

And Santa’s helper was this super hot chick and her boobs would overflow out of her elf costume.

So cool.

But now I look around, and Santa’s on the Internet, being tracked by satellites across space.

The mall santas are texting.

Douchebags are offering “santa phone calls” for 19.95.

Where’s the mystique?

Society has totally raped and and destroyed the last fragments of innocence Santa clung onto.

That’s when I discovered Loaded Santa.

A twitter account from Santa that is the end result of what society has done to the guy.

When Santa wanted to be kind, he was mass-marketed and whored out.

Driven to drink.


Driven to a cold, sexless life.


Driven to give up on humanity.


Santa is better than I ever imagined.

You can follow Loaded Santa here.


And have a tremendous Christmas.


My Christmas wish is to like totally do her.