5 Events You Should Never Tweet Through.

Hold on you guys! I'm going to twitpic the pedestrian I just ran over.

Hold on you guys! I'm going to twitpic the pedestrian I just ran over.

Social media is addictive.

So addictive that people turn into alarming idiots when using it.

Including me.

I’m an alarming idiot.

Sometimes I’ll walk and tweet.  Crash into things.  Cars. Light poles. Toddlers.

Never a hot chick though.

Just once I’d like to tweet-walk and crash into that chick from Lost.

With her all naked and stuff.

It shows you my devastating addiction.

It’s about time I outline a few events you should never tweet through.

Or Facebook-status-update through.

Or Friendster-message through.

Ha!

Friendster.

Here we go.

You should never tweet…

1. While Driving Through A Major Intersection.

Let’s be honest.  Facebook and Twitter are driven by narcissists.  People who need to express every thought they have to an audience that wants to do the same thing.

Twitter is one narcissist yelling over another narcissist in an epic battle of douchebaggery.

Don’t believe me?

Then explain car accidents caused by people tweeting while driving.

Drive.  Come home.

Then tweet.

Trust us.  We’ve read your tweets.

We can wait.

2. While On A Date.

OMG you guys!  The guy I’m on a blind date with is so boring.  Had to check in with my twitter peeps.  lolz.

No, sweetheart.  You’re the one that’s boring.

There’s a reason why that’s your 320th blind date.

He’s talking about his parents.  I think he still lives with them!

Instead of giving your followers your non-refundable nuggets of wisdom, how about you work on that personality and try to make some conversation?

I swear this guy needs to get a nose-hair trimmer.  EW!

The point is, twitter is public.  Your tweet-by-tweet recap of a date only tells everyone that you’re still single for a reason.

And my nostrils are too sensitive for trimmers.

Relax.  That guy's heart will still be fucked *after* I check @aplusk's timeline.

Relax. That guy's heart will still be fucked *after* I check @aplusk's timeline.

3. If You’re Next To Paramedics Who Are Trying To Save A Human Life.

OK.

Wait.

Just re-read number #3.  Re-read it.  Digest it.  Process it.

I’ll wait here.

Done?

Do I really have to explain?

4. At Half-Time If You’re Actually Playing.

NBA and NFL players have been fined or suspended for tweeting while playing.  Think about this for a moment.

You’re playing in a stadium filled with thousands of people who have paid to watch you play.

That’s not enough?

You need thousands of virtual people to respond to you as well?

Disgusting.

Unless you play on the Cowboys.  You guys do whatever you want as long as you cover against the Redskins on Sunday.

Or else they said I’m “gonna taste my own cervix”.

I don’t think I have one.  But what if I do?

I don’t want to know what it tastes like!

5. At The Altar.

A couple last month tweeted during their vows.  Then they youtubed themselves and updated their Facebook relationship status to “married”.

At the altar.

Now consider their kid, years from now.

Hey dad, what are you and mom doing in that wedding picture?  On your phones.

Oh!  Well, mommy and I were ‘tweeting’ our love.

Are you sure I’m not adopted?

I know many people will come to the defense of tweeting-during-anything.

They’ll talk about how their online community is more powerful than their real friends.

They’ll say I’m an out-of-touch condescending douche.

But the truth is, their addiction has owned their ass.  They can’t decipher between the real and unreal.  Their make-believe world feeds their narcissism and gives them fleeting moments of happiness.

Hilarious.

For the rest of us, we’ll tweet and Facebook in moderation.  We’ll live normal lives.

We won’t twitpic a road sign while going 90 on I-5.

And fine.

I’ll trim my nose hairs.

Complain about me on Twitter here.