5 Things We Can Learn From Tiger’s Possible Divorce.

Reports today indicate Elin Norde..

Nordege..

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Reports today indicate Elin is going to file for divorce.

This is good news.   I feel for Elin.

She’s a super hot chick.  Super hot.  If she ever let me date her, I’d never cheat on her.

I’ve been single for so long, I’d just be thankful for someone who can deal with my off-putting personality.

I’d also cry a lot.

I know!

Devastating.

Tiger has taken man-whoreyness to a whole new level.

Try to digest his actions.  Try.  It’s almost impossible.

He’s created a real-life slutty advent-calendar.

Every day, a new Tiger mistress reveals herself.  Every day.  What?  There’s like 16?   And it’s December 16.

See a pattern?

On Christmas Day, he’ll reveal that he has banged the entire nation-state of Tuvalu.

It’s entirely possible.  It’s entirely possible to think Tiger can bang the entire nation-state of Tuvalu.

I just like saying ‘nation-state’.

And Tuvalu.

Makes me feel smart.

We can’t let the Tiger scandal pass without harvesting some lessons.  I’ve learned the following five things.

1. One Mistress Is For Rookies.

Most guys would be fearful about having one mistress.  Always keeping tabs, trying to ensure that their worlds are separated.

How very medieval.

Tiger has stepped up the game for douchebags everywhere.

If you’re going to cheat, make sure it’s enough women to fill an Olympic volleyball team.

2. People Will Clamor For Unfunny Jokes.

After the hurricane of horrible jokes from the Kanye West-Taylor Swift issue, you would think people would be tired.

Nope.

Not tired.

Tiger has made everyone an office comedian.

What’s the difference between Tiger and Santa?

Oh god.

Santa stops after three hos!

Did you just laugh at that?

Really?

Get off my blog immediately.

Can someone pilot us back to a time where golf was still considered the nerdiest sport ever? Because that would be nice.

3. Society Has A Massive Hard-On For The Destruction Of Lives.

The media is fucked!

People say this.

They’re hell bent on ruining lives.

Really?  Because you’re reading it.  Watching it.  Listening to it.

Consuming the pain.

You, as an individual, read the title of this blog post and are still with me.  Right here.  You could’ve exited.  You could’ve stopped.

You didn’t.

You can lie and say you did, and then leave an extremely hurtful comment which I will later emotionally shatter over.

The point is society loves Macbeth.  The destruction of someone we see as favored.

We’re the ones engineering the destruction of personal lives.

Blame yourself.

And if you can’t blame yourself, blame a newly-landed immigrant co-worker.

Those guys are the best!

4. The Strength Of Women Is Amazing.

The media focuses on Tiger.  Will he lose endorsement deals?  Will his brand bounce back?

How about Elin?

Super hot Elin was embarrassed.  Devastated.  Emotionally destroyed.  And all people focus on is Tiger’s brand.

That’s how you know women are strong.  Because if that happened in reverse, and a wife had affairs with a dozen guys, no guy could deal with that.

I’m here for you Elin.

If you’re down for moving into my parents basement, I’ll never leave you.

5. Tiger Has Set A Douchebag Benchmark.

In golf, Tiger set records.

In cheating, he set even more.

Consider the next time a major public figure is caught with a woman.

Well, it’s not as bad as Tiger.

Two women.

Not as bad as Tiger.

The public discourse will completely change.

Hey did you hear that John Ensign, the Republican Senator of Nevada is allegedly having an affair?!

No way!  Crazy.  With how many chicks?

I think just one.

That’s it?  Tiger had 1400% more chicks. This guy’s a loser.

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There you have it.  Lessons from the Tiger Woods scandal.

Now, if you’ll excuse me.  I’ll wait here, refreshing my page constantly, waiting for your hurtful comments.

And if you’re from the nation-state of Tuvalu?

Have a merry Christmas!

–

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