5 Things That Immediately Turn Off Women.

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Sometimes I feel like I’m not an expert on a subject.

When I talk about Twitter, Facebook, even life.

Now re-read the title of this post.

Yes.

I got this shit.

I’ve been turning off women since the Reagan Administration.  And I was just a startlingly obese boy back then.

My first crush was on a girl named Stacy.  Kindergarten.  She was wearing one of those Jem and the Hollograms jogging suits.  I was wearing my overalls from Sears.  I went up to Stacy and tried to kiss her.  She punched me in the pee-pee.

Then I cried.

Alarmingly, that exact same sequence of events happens today.

I know!

I’m like Clooney.

To help me with this post, I’ve brought in Alexia Lei, model and aspiring actress from the township of Los Angeles.  Lei has helped Tremendous News by not suing me when I use her picture-images unlike other models who send me “cease and desist” emails.

Ladies, threatening legal letters only make me stronger.

Alexia is also an expert at being turned off by men, as many of them try to totally do her on a daily basis.

Let’s get started.

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1. Moobs.

He-teets, bitch-tits, man-boobs.

Whatever you want to call them, they’re the protruding breasts only a woman should feature.

Unfortunately, I own a pair.

Although in a bizarre way, I think mine are hotter than most.

Alexia: What an interesting concept. To be honest, I have enough chest to deal with so I’m gonna have to say No Thanks to Moobs.

Damn it!  I guess I should stop tweaking mine while typing.

2. Nose and/or ear hair and/or back hair.

Guys, if your body hair connects with your other body hair to combine forces and create some sort of natural sweater, that’s not good.

I knew shit was bad when my friends would “grow a beard” all through November while I just needed 39 minutes.

Alexia: Well unless you’re over 60, there should never be an issue with ear or nose hair being visible.  C’mon, keep it maintained guys!  Back hair isn’t a complete turn-off… as long as it’s not thick or visible enough to qualify you as Big Foot’s stunt double.

Thank you, Lei.  The lesson I learned here was “back hair isn’t a complete turn off”.  Run with it, guys.  Run with it.

3. Body Odor.

Luckily, I don’t have this problem.  I douse myself in Axe Body Spray every day because the label says chicks will totally want to do me afterward.

And would a multinational company driven by a marketing machine lie to me?

Exactly.

I also bathe a lot.  I take simmering baths where I listen to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs while crying all over myself.

Have you people heard Maps?

That’s musical genius.

So out of the thousands of problems I have, body odor isn’t an issue.

Alexia: A man’s natural scent CAN be a turn-on, but guys… if I catch a down-wind wiff of you and throw up in my mouth a little, you get no play time.  Permanent bench-warmer status.

4. Poorness.

This one I know. Considering I’m unemployed, lazy and dress in TJ Maxx’s finest.

Ladies?  How much do you want this.

Alexia: I make my own money, so as long as you have enough to handle your own & I’m not supporting YOU, we’re all good.

Alas, one of the reasons I’d never be able to date Alexia.  She’d have to support me financially.  And really?  My food bill is alarming.

5. Having Absolutely No Game.

Alexia: Welcome to the “Friend Zone”.  Population: You.  Also, the pick-up line: “Girl I can make you famous..” is definitely a deal breaker.  No thanks Douche’y Howser.

I know the Friend Zone extremely well.  In fact, I could be elected president of the Friend Zone and give tours.

Hey guys! Welcome to the friend zone.  Here, you’ll hear her complain about guys who ARE banging her that don’t even WANT to bang her.  Prepare to console her while shattering emotionally.

There you have it.  You can follow Alexia on Twitter here.

And if you like guys who tweak their moobs while tweeting, you can follow me here.

And if any of you know Stacy from elementary school who punched me in the pee-pee, please tell her I’ve changed.

Except for the overalls from Sears.

That, I still wear.

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