How To Write Me The Perfect Hate Mail.

If this dog could talk hed say dude, youre a blogger.  Really?  A blogger.  Nobody thinks thats cool.

If this dog could talk, he'd say 'dude, youre a blogger. Really? A blogger? Nobody thinks thats cool.'

Here at Tremendous News!, our high-octane writing staff receive a few negative comments.

In other words, I get emails laced with personal attacks.

I don’t have a writing staff.  And if I did, none of our octane would be very high.

Hate mail is common with any blog.  The Puppies-and-Pooches blog,  a site that still beats this one in traffic rankings, probably gets it too.

Some dude named Trevor from Long Island probably sits there and emails the Puppy blogger with: um, your picture caption says Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever.  Meanwhile that’s a Chesapeake Bay Retriever.  Jack-ass.

And while reading this, the fine individual at Puppies-and-Pooches, his hand trembling with vulnerability, unravels on the inside.

Who names a dog a “Duck Tolling Retriever” anyway?

The quality of Tremendous News! hate-mail is sub-par.  It can be so much better.

Here, I will dispense better ways to signal your festering hate for my viewpoint.  Armed with these tips, you can cleverly craft a hate mailing you can be proud of.

1.  Reference the post that has gotten your knickers in a knot.

Most of the angry mailings tee off on something I don’t remember writing.  Kindly include the post title.  I pride myself in the quantity of posts over quality.  I mean really?  Pilot through my postings.

Most of this has been the output of a perfect blend of whiskey and NyQuil.

2. Anatomically, that’s impossible.

Some of my favorite hate mailings include suggestions on what I should do with various parts of my genitalia.  They’re creative, but anatomically impossible.

I don’t even own a cervix.  And I don’t think I can fit you know what into my other you know what without bleeding internally.

3. Let me know if you bash me on your blog.

Look, I still have no idea what I’m doing with a blog.  The inbound links, the technorati rankings.  Who even knows what “meta data” is.  RSS feedings.

All of this nerdyness.  No idea.

So it’s hard for me to know you have taken one of my posts and bashed me in your blog.

Send me a friendly reminder!  It’ll be a way we can connect, chit chat, and then I can read your article where you destroy me as a human being.

Hi.

It’s called networking.

4. “Bloggers are failed writers”

For some reason, most of my hate mailings attack me as a blogger.  Which is fine, because who wants to be a blogger?  I can’t see that working on women.

This party’s fun!  So what is it you said you do again?

Oh, I’m a blogger.  I’m ranked 553, 321 by Alexa.

Who’s Alexa?  A girl you’re dating?

Yes.  Yes, she is.

I think people think this attack is supposed to hurt.  They string together this equation:

“All you do is blog” + “Anyone in the world can blog” = “You suck.”

OK fair, but a blogger isn’t what I want to be.  I write this blog as a hobby.  Like how others enjoy gardening and/or black tar heroin, I crank out a couple blog posts to connect with electrical people from across the world.

5. Say one nice thing.

I’m tortured by hatemail.  In a lot of ways I don’t care if you hate my viewpoint, but in other, more real ways, I shatter emotionally.

I’m a human boy, people.

A human boy with real emoticons.

So if you take 99% of your mailing to tell me to never procreate, take 1% to say something nice.  It’ll go a long way.  Example.

You’re a disgusting individual and all you can do is sit there and blog like the piece of shit that you are.

But I like your font.

——————-
Hopefully, these tips will assist you in creating better, more substantial hatemail.

I look forward to reading them in the future.

Unless, of course, I run out of NyQuil.

—————–

Shatter me on Twitter here.  Send your attempt at hatemail here.

  • Sharon

    Love your blog and snarkiness. Thanks for the laughs.

  • Duh… You generally do better than this man.

  • Pooba~

    how ’bout this one… “wow! you really look nice TODAY” so I like think… what do I look like every OTHER day???

    so I will say to YOU today… HEY your blog is really great TODAY!…

    i’m not good at hate mail… sorry! that’s the best i could do…

  • greymous

    Quite enjoy your writing (even though it doesn’t get you dates) and all I can say about hate mail is keep a good stock of whisky & Nyquil on hand as there are endless supplies of idiots with keyboards (me being one of them) who just love to have a good gibberish hissy fit at someone.

    P. S. You’re blog looks really nice today… 🙂

  • Miss Mason

    Hahahaha Emoticons, your font sucks, and i must say after all these years of reading your comments/notes/blogs etc. I think this could possibly be the first one where a little story at the beginning of your blog (that didnt really have much to do with the blog) didnt humourously (i didnt spell that right) pop up again at the end of your blog, just when all of your faithful loving and sometimes vengeful readers thought that it was all over – but then they get that last little chuckle… So i see you are incorporating a little originality by not doing that – i dont like it 😛

  • Miss Mason

    Silly me, i had another check and you did have a little reference to NyQuil… What was i thinking!

  • Something must be wrong with me. I have time to blog. I have time to twitter. I have time to leave comments on blogs I agree and disagree with. I don’t have time to write hate mail. Perhaps I need to learn to prioritize.

    Funny stuff. I like your font.

  • Great font! I hope it all works out with Alexa.

  • If only I had found this guide about three hours ago when I sat down to write a letter to the State of Tennessee regarding their failure enforce federal law and neglecting to make any attempt towards resolving an ongoing problem they seem to have in sending HIIPPA compliant documents to people other than me.

    MAN! Not that I needed any inspiration, but my god am I angry. In addition to multiple HIPPA violations and failure to enforce the standard of care in the State of Tennessee, I also had this lovely experience when admitted to a hospital by two male security cards without identification of justification for their violemt actions. I want answers, and I waznt an apology, but I’d settle for a single phone from the Commissioner whom I have known for 14 years, not to mention my other former colleagues who no doubt are aware of this pending complaint.

    This could be just a joke site — who knows, who cares– because I am one angry little girl today at The Powers That Beat.

    Elyssa Durant, Ed.M.
    Nashville, Tennessee
    REALITY BYTES: http://thepowersthatbeat.blogspot.com

    FORMAL COMPLAINT AVAILABLE ONLINE:
    http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/1577050/6044_dmht_and_the_tennessee_code_annotated.html?singlepage=true&cat=17

  • Thank you so much. I get lots of hate mail – hell, I even get break up tweets – this is a great guideline for more of my haters to follow. Really the quality of the hate mail is what’s important. I want to really laugh and cry when I read it – I want it to reach down deep inside and smack my inner child so I can really know all the pain the wealth of the Internet can really offer. You know, taste the agony of defeat if I spell a word wrong on my blog or say something remotely offensive to some fringe group of internet enabled hippies in a video. So, thank you once again for this spectacular white paper for haters.

  • “u rite like a gurl. that thing u said was gay. go stick your wazoo up your clinghole, flingwad. and then spin it around a few times. maybe when you learn 2 rite u can make reel $$ insted of wasting ur sorry butt on this waste of pixelspace. but I’m sure u have a nice personality deep down so no wrrys.”

    Does that about sum it up? 🙂

  • SandiHockeyMom

    If you could hear the music of my laughter out loud at reading your “blogging” you will never do anything else!

    I love it!

    Sandi Groupie for Tremendous News *and I am so using Fucktard in conversation this week! haaa there it goes again..the music of LOL! 🙂

  • I love your blog, but you need to increase the line-height of the font. It’s too cluttered.

    Just subscribed and read a few articles, genuinely hilarious, keep it up.

    Fuck you.

  • Solid advice. Will certainly keep it in mind in the event that you write something really, really awful and I am incensed enough to tell you about it.

  • karlastegui

    All I have to say is thank you for the whiskey and NyQuil recipe….what amounts create the perfect blend? Or should I just start mixing and find out myself…but then if I don't mix it right I might sleep through a post and have to write you a hate note that says… You tremendously inadequate prick…I slept for 5 days with your beverage and missed Christmas! you know what that wouldn't be so bad after all….

  • true – anyone can write a blog, but can anyone write one the way you do? i think not. tell those player haters to go suck a tail pipe.

  • tmac20043

    soo…do you know Trevor from Long Island personally?

    • I know Trevor from long island. He's a total douchebag.

  • Thank you TN. I will be forwarding this to the person that left the hate mail for me as well. There is nothing more annoying than poorly written hate mail. Unless it's incorrectly spelled, poorly written hate mail.

  • livecut

    I will direct your post to the Twitter #tcot hash (Top Conservatives On Twitter). Such a veritable font of hate-mail can only become more cogent and incisive by applying your foolproof principles. (Lots of fools there to test them!)

    OK, I know, I've gone and fucked it up by mentioning anything remotely serious like politics on your page. Sue me, once you regain consciousness.

  • People who write hate mail just WANT to hate. They don't target you for any good reason, it's their angry bitter little hearts. You should feel sorry for them.

  • People who write hate mail just WANT to hate. They don't target you for any good reason, it's their angry bitter little hearts. You should feel sorry for them.

  • People who write hate mail just WANT to hate. They don't target you for any good reason, it's their angry bitter little hearts. You should feel sorry for them.

  • Lori

    Nyquil and whiskey? I prefer the poorman's speedball of coffee and nyquil, 1st your up, then your down! But back to basics, hate mail? Sorry, just don't have anything bad to say….everything is just fine, and you? I've got some really stupid videos on YouTube under empress408 if you want to make fun of me….

  • Lori

    Nyquil and whiskey? I prefer the poorman's speedball of coffee and nyquil, 1st your up, then your down! But back to basics, hate mail? Sorry, just don't have anything bad to say….everything is just fine, and you? I've got some really stupid videos on YouTube under empress408 if you want to make fun of me….

  • Lori

    Nyquil and whiskey? I prefer the poorman's speedball of coffee and nyquil, 1st your up, then your down! But back to basics, hate mail? Sorry, just don't have anything bad to say….everything is just fine, and you? I've got some really stupid videos on YouTube under empress408 if you want to make fun of me….

  • I've never written hate mail, per se…but after a read like this, I kinda want to. (Just to see if I can rise to the standard of quality that has been set.)

  • Uughh! Can I add to your list? Proofread! I don't do it. Just like in my last comment where I mistyped the url for my own blog. Maybe I'll send myself some hatemail…..

  • JippityJohnJackson

    Your font is shit too… what is this… Times New Roman? And I thought you were original.

  • Your font is tremendous! TWSS.

  • Lala Green

    No matter what anybody says, I'll always appreicate your turds of wisdom.
    Never stop writing!

    Love,

    Lala Green

  • Terrica

    I love your blogs! Screw these humorless lames!

  • Jet

    if you're single let's meet. hehhe. lol. :p

    your humor may not be all that clean, but one thing for sure…i won't ever send you a hate mail. 🙂

  • john.

    *hug* ( in a manly way lol )

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