How To Write Me The Perfect Hate Mail.

If this dog could talk, he'd say 'dude, youre a blogger. Really? A blogger? Nobody thinks thats cool.'

Here at Tremendous News!, our high-octane writing staff receive a few negative comments.

In other words, I get emails laced with personal attacks.

I don’t have a writing staff.  And if I did, none of our octane would be very high.

Hate mail is common with any blog.  The Puppies-and-Pooches blog,  a site that still beats this one in traffic rankings, probably gets it too.

Some dude named Trevor from Long Island probably sits there and emails the Puppy blogger with: um, your picture caption says Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever.  Meanwhile that’s a Chesapeake Bay Retriever.  Jack-ass.

And while reading this, the fine individual at Puppies-and-Pooches, his hand trembling with vulnerability, unravels on the inside.

Who names a dog a “Duck Tolling Retriever” anyway?

The quality of Tremendous News! hate-mail is sub-par.  It can be so much better.

Here, I will dispense better ways to signal your festering hate for my viewpoint.  Armed with these tips, you can cleverly craft a hate mailing you can be proud of.

1.  Reference the post that has gotten your knickers in a knot.

Most of the angry mailings tee off on something I don’t remember writing.  Kindly include the post title.  I pride myself in the quantity of posts over quality.  I mean really?  Pilot through my postings.

Most of this has been the output of a perfect blend of whiskey and NyQuil.

2. Anatomically, that’s impossible.

Some of my favorite hate mailings include suggestions on what I should do with various parts of my genitalia.  They’re creative, but anatomically impossible.

I don’t even own a cervix.  And I don’t think I can fit you know what into my other you know what without bleeding internally.

3. Let me know if you bash me on your blog.

Look, I still have no idea what I’m doing with a blog.  The inbound links, the technorati rankings.  Who even knows what “meta data” is.  RSS feedings.

All of this nerdyness.  No idea.

So it’s hard for me to know you have taken one of my posts and bashed me in your blog.

Send me a friendly reminder!  It’ll be a way we can connect, chit chat, and then I can read your article where you destroy me as a human being.

Hi.

It’s called networking.

4. “Bloggers are failed writers”

For some reason, most of my hate mailings attack me as a blogger.  Which is fine, because who wants to be a blogger?  I can’t see that working on women.

This party’s fun!  So what is it you said you do again?

Oh, I’m a blogger.  I’m ranked 553, 321 by Alexa.

Who’s Alexa?  A girl you’re dating?

Yes.  Yes, she is.

I think people think this attack is supposed to hurt.  They string together this equation:

“All you do is blog” + “Anyone in the world can blog” = “You suck.”

OK fair, but a blogger isn’t what I want to be.  I write this blog as a hobby.  Like how others enjoy gardening and/or black tar heroin, I crank out a couple blog posts to connect with electrical people from across the world.

5. Say one nice thing.

I’m tortured by hatemail.  In a lot of ways I don’t care if you hate my viewpoint, but in other, more real ways, I shatter emotionally.

I’m a human boy, people.

A human boy with real emoticons.

So if you take 99% of your mailing to tell me to never procreate, take 1% to say something nice.  It’ll go a long way.  Example.

You’re a disgusting individual and all you can do is sit there and blog like the piece of shit that you are.

But I like your font.

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Hopefully, these tips will assist you in creating better, more substantial hatemail.

I look forward to reading them in the future.

Unless, of course, I run out of NyQuil.

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Shatter me on Twitter here.  Send your attempt at hatemail here.