The 10 People You Meet While Traveling.

pilot flight attendant_jpg

Oh OK. Because that shit never happens.

I’m traveling.  And I’ve already learned a valuable lesson.

Traveling sucks ass.

After traveling a lot in my former “employed” life, I’ll share with you a few people everyone meets while traveling.

1. The Guy With The Disgusting Socks.

It’s not very often that you’re asked to remove your shoes in a public place, so it’s always exciting to judge the people you travel with based entirely on their socks.

Like this dude I saw with these gross-ass holes in his socks. Foot-fat bursting through fabric, unable to remain contained. A toenail greeting the open air. Hair, all over.

Who’s doing that guy?

I need to know.

2. The Only Chick Following Along During The Safety Procedures.

When the flight attendants play the CD that discuss all the safety procedures, they ask you to pull out your safety card and follow along.

Most people respond by zoning out into a coma.

But there’s one chick who actually follows along. I’ve always wanted her to get all outraged. At least that would be exciting.

Excuse me, but you just said in case of water landing, we’d have to exit through the side safety doors. I don’t see that in figure 2C. The doors illustrated in figure 2C look like front doors to me. I’m sorry. Did we all just wake up this morning to a world where front doors are suddenly renamed side doors?

Yeah. That’s right.

Correct yourself.

3. The One Guy Who Needs To Play With That Jet Fan Thing Next To The Courtesy Light.

What is that thing? A fan? How is that going to help you sir?  How.  There’s no amount of adjusting that will change the setting from “crap-air blowing in your face.”

4. That Dude Who Needs To Tell You What His Favorite Airports Are So He Can Show Off That He Travels.

This place is OK but it’s nothing like terminal D at DFW. That’s a well-designed terminal.

Really.

The best Starbucks I’ve ever been to is in Concourse H at O’Hare. Nothing beats it.

Oh no way.

Concourse A in Hartsfield has a great little pizza place. You should try it sometime.

You know this dude’s the only jerkoff at his work that will accept all travel assignments. Everyone else has a life, family, friends, anything. Not this guy.

He needs to affirm his self-worth to strangers by giving them his terminal rankings.

5. The Guy Who Thinks “Zone 4” Means Something.

On most boarding passes, you’ll find a little stamp that tells you what “zone” you’re in.  If it doesn’t say “First Class” it doesn’t mean shit.  The zones are just ways they call people up to board the plane.

You always see one guy who will line up to board immediately.

Then be told he can’t board.

Then look at his boarding pass.

See his zone.

And never embrace the gripping reality of being poor.

You’re in Zone 4, bitch.  Accept it like the rest of us.

6. The Dude Who’s Still Upset You Don’t Get Food On Your Flight.

He’s still talking about the days when you got a full meal and hot towels.

Why would you even want that shit, sir?  It tastes like drywall.

7. That One Annoying-Ass Kid.

Every time you travel, there’s always one kid.  Always one shithead kid you can’t believe can just run around screaming and yelling with his parents just sitting there doing absolutely nothing because you know they grew up as shitheads and probably raised by another bunch of shitheads and then finally the kid farts in my tea.

Yes.

Farts in my tea.

Hey little Johnny from Jersey!

Go fuck yourself.

8. The One Guy Who Needs To Recline His Chair Immediately.

Oh, did that 1 inch recline help you, sir?  Are you comfortable?  Does it feel like you’re at home, kicking back watching the game?

Because you’re an idiot.

9. The Flight Attendant Who’s Really Nice To You On The Plane But Then You See Her In Baggage Claim And She Pretends That She Doesn’t Know You.

What are they, strippers?

10. The People Who Clap When The Plane Lands.

It’s not a Broadway production, dummies.  He’s landing the plane.  That’s what’s supposed to happen.

There you have it.  I turned off comments because I know many of you will find this on Google and then call me bitter or sexually frustrated, both of which is true.

You can follow me on Twitter here.

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