My Big Fat Greek Interview With Nia Vardalos.

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Nia Vardalos with John Stamos who poses absolutely no threat to me. What does he have that I don't have? Besides looks, success, and not-moobs.

Let’s pilot back to a time when there wasn’t a Tremendous News.

News just wasn’t tremendous.

I was sitting on the ugly orange couch in my parents basement wearing my wife-beater.  It had mustard stains and cigarette burn holes.

I don’t even smoke.

And I’m sitting there, watching Golden Girls reruns, eating fruit roll ups and reflecting on life.

Nothing.

I had nothing to show for it.

I won a trophy playing soccer when I was a kid.  But it was a participant trophy.

Participant.

The only trophy I have.

But after starting Tremendous News, something happened.

People were not as put off by me as I thought.

Like Nia Vardalos.  The Oscar-nominated star of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.

Actress.  Writer.  Chick-I’m-telling-people-I’m-totally-doing.

She appears to enjoy me and my he-teets.

Which is why she sat down with me recently to answer my questions.

And by “sat down” I mean “not block me when I sent her dozens of questions”.

Here’s me trying to perform my first interview.

tn: Let’s start with the obvious question. What type of fruit juice do you like?

nia: Fruit juice is an all-sugar-no-fiber lie. If I’m going to max out my blood sugar, I’ll pour a real Coke on that omelet.

tn: That’s a salient point. I don’t know what salient means but I’m trying to impress you. What’s the most off putting word you know?

nia: should. As in “you should do an edgy film with nudity.” “you should write a script about (blank.)”

tn: …”you should wear deodorant and not smell so foul” I know right? That might be more me. What keeps you on twitter?

nia: Good news is I can’t smell you from here. I love Twitter because it’s a way to converse without having to take a shower.

tn: Look at you.  Attractive.  Smart.  Funny. You know you could hold your own in the Hollywood yenta-scene. What don’t you like about it?

nia: The cliche of Hollywood being fake is true.  Out here “yes” means “no,” “no” means “yes,” and “maybe” means “you’re fired.”

tn: OK! I’m a little drunak right now. What’s your favorite drindk & why your fav way to party/enj0i yreself?

Note: This interview was conducted over a span of a few days.  During which, I would drunkenly textualize Nia.  Inappropriately.  It was actually super-hot.

nia: please no texting…your drunk-driving needs total concentration. I am drinking a martini while running a red.

tn: I’m good now! Sobered! I’ve sobered myself with tang in a wine glass. All class, Vardalos. Who’s funny to you? Names.

nia: off the top of my little head: Kristen Wiig, Mary-Louise Parker, my mom, @shitmydadsays and @tremendousnews .

tn: Thanks. Putting me last means you totally want my super hot bod. Let’s shift gears. What do you think of ‘new Hollywood’?

nia: is that the name of an upgraded breast implant? I am so behind on all this stuff.

tn: I have no idea. I thought you’d know what it meant.  Did you always know you wanted to be a writer/actress/producer/tweeter/moob-lover?

nia: I always had a thing for moobs.  The other stuff came later.

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tn: Hey if you were a bus pass, where would you be right now? I even checked under my Thundercats pillow.

nia: I would go to Winnipeg and hide in the back seat of my mom’s car.  Nothing’s more fun than seeing her spit coffee into a windshield.

tn: Right. Because my obesity makes me stealth.  She’s still in the Peg?  She’s not rocking parties in Malibu with you?

nia: yes my parents and many relatives live there and rock the Peg so hard.  Hey, it’s no Etobicoke…but still hip.

Note to people not from Canada: The “Peg” is Winnipeg.  It’s a city in the middle of Canada that used to have a hockey team but it got taken away and now the people there are bitter at people who live in Toronto.  Yes.  Because we did it to you, Winnipegers.  Way to displace your anger.  Also “Etobicoke” is a part of Toronto that is known for its warmth, passion and Ikea.  Mostly for the Ikea.  The other two things I made up.

tn: Etobicoke is tight. I roll out there to hang with some peeps.  Also?  To go to Ikea.  They have nice lamps.  What’s a store you love?

nia: I like a nice lamp too. Ambiance. But 1 of my fave stores: WilliamsSonoma. The smell in there makes me want to put on a petticoat and bake.

tn: A girl who can bake is hot. Well.  Any ability to enable my feedings is hot.  What do you find hot in a guy?  Use the term ‘hawt’. So fun!

nia: I’m oxymoronic in my taste: I like confidence+humility+a Tom Selleck ‘stache.  That’s HAWT.

tn: What are you working on right now?

nia: get ready 4 stench of name drop bomb: am writing a script for Tom Hanks.  Hired by Universal and Playtone.  They don’t know I’m a fraud.  Suckers.

tn: That is so sexually tremendous! You must be excited but also nervous.

nia: it’s a perfectly collaborative experience except I hear nothing but white noise when Tom Hanks says my name.

tn: Hey, do you think I’m a good interviewer? I feel like I’m haphazard. Or hapless. Something with hap in it. You can be honest.

Note: This is me fishing for validation.  I have very fragile emoticons.

nia: You are so different it’s fantastic. I get the same 20 questions over and over, in every language and want to scream.

tn: But every other interviewer gets ‘scoops’. I don’t know how to do that.  Can you just give me a scoop.  Is that anti-hollywood?

nia: sure! name a topic of interest…

tn: What part of Hollywood do you dislike most? People? Like in my nerdy universe, I can’t stand lolcats.

nia: I loathe funny people who pretend to be cool. Funny happens because we grew up as nerds.  Wow, You have a sitcom…uh, why are you acting cool now?  You’re not.

tn: How do you deal with the criticism? Like when my mom says if I keep looking for miss right, soon miss wrong won’t even want me.

nia: Have not read reviews since did stage. But I have “frenemies” who email them to me. Those people are sad. As for your mom. Moms are always right.

tn: Have you ever almost quit Hollywood and went back to the Peg? Or Etobicoke.

nia: nah, haven’t wanted to quit. But I go to The Peg quite often. hey… I’m due for an Etobicoke visit. Where do you recommend I have coffee?

Note: This is clearly her asking me if I want to make out.  Or it isn’t.  Me not being able to read women is probably why I’m so hilariously single.

tn: I thought we were coffee-ing when you were up here? I was going to introduce you to my parents. That’s how hot I am.

nia: good, I was fishing. I’d love a strong espresso made by a basement barista.

tn: Tremendous. Just let me know when and where. I’ll wear my fanciest trouser-pants.

And there you have it.  A conversation with Nia Vardalosness.

Nia’s latest movie, My Life In Ruins is now available on DVD.  You can follow her on Twitter here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this participant trophy isn’t going to polish itself.


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