The 7 Reasons Why You Retweet.

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God help us all.

In the devastatingly nerdy world of Twitter, retweets matter.

You can parade around town with your top hat and cane and pretend they don’t.

It’s about connections, Tremendous News. About happiness. For pete’s sake!  I’m just sorta kinda seeing where Twitter takes me today.

Wrong.

Hilariously wrong.

Retweetyness.

That’s what it’s about.

Which is why at the end of every article you read here, I have a big RT counter.

I lay that shit out there.

If I drop a huge article turd and nobody likes it, I know instantly.

If I perform well, then it’s evident.

Take for example, when I wrote about being a Twitter addict. You flocked from everywhere to read it.  Because you’re self-centered sickos and want to validate yourselves against something.  Here’s the counter.

retweet1

As you can see I’m happy and super excited about the amount of retweets.

Now, take when I wrote about my birthday.  A day I spent alone crying into my moobs.  Let’s look at the counter.

retweet2

As you can see, not so great.  Although for some alarming reason, I’m still excited.

Tell them about the douchebags who game the counters.

Oh yeah!  There are douchebags out there that “fix” their counters to make it appear that they have more RTs than they actually do.

Tell them how sick and disturbing that is.

That’s so sick and disturbing.

If you think about it, these bloggers are so insecure that nobody will RT them, they jack up their counters and play make-believe.

Not me.

I’m always ready to cry.

Now, let’s carve into why you retweet something.  There are seven reasons.

1. Because You Have Absolutely Nothing To Say So You RT Stuff Because You Don’t Want People To Forget That You’re Still Around.

Twitter is strange.  I think people stare at their box and feel the need to–

Ha!

Stare at their box.

They feel the need to say something, even if they don’t have anything to say.  We’re children.  We’re all a bunch of children.

I think if Twitter was an actual conversation and all of us adults just kept yelling 140 character shit to each other, a 5 year old kid would look at us and say grow up.

2. Because You’re Part Of Some Incredibly Nerdy Twitter Pact.

Deep inside the underbelly of Twitter, there are these little Twitter rings.

People who have sworn an oath to RT each other.

Like a gang.

I know.  I know.  It’s the saddest thing in the world.

But there are these rings of tweeters who will RT each other no matter what the tweet is.

Hey guys! I’ve managed to put an entire stapler in my bum.

RTed.  92 times.

These gangs are strong.

This is me typing this article on my computer that hovers in mid-air.

This is me typing this article on my computer that hovers in mid-air.

3. Because You Will Blindly RT Anything Mildly Amusing.

There’s a faction of Twitter that will blindly RT anything.  It doesn’t have to be amusing.  It just has to be moderately more amusing than How are my tweeps doing today?

No don’t worry, ma’am.  I’ll answer.

Your tweeps fucking hate you.

4. Because You Think RTing Deepak Chopra Will Make People Understand How Spiritual You Are.

My favorite RTs are when people RT quotes from famous people.  Here’s three real tweets I saw from a chick once.

back from da best bachelorette party EVA!  Jeannette girl I LUV YOU .

pic of our penis banana sundae!!! LOL  EET EET! http://twitpic.com/fdj8

RT @TonyRobbins Viewpoint is the deciding factor as to how you experience life.

5. Because You Think RTing Everything A Celebrity Says Will Somehow Make Them Want You.

I see a few people who will RT everything one celebrity says.  I’m not sure why they do this.  I can just imagine the celebrity fucking around with this person just because they can.

I would.

Hey guys!  I fucking hate puppies.  PLZ RT if you like to beat the living shit out of gross-ass German Shepherd pups.

Ha!

You know this sends the constant RTer into cardiac arrest.

Oh dear!  How did my kinky nude images accidentally show up in this post!  I'm so embarrassed!  Ladies?  Still single.

Oh dear! How did my kinky topless image accidentally show up in this post! I'm so embarrassed! Ladies? Still single.

6. Because RTing Nerdy Shit Is A Reflection Of Your Personal Brand.

I think it’s cute when people talk about their ‘personal brand’.

Hey guys, I’m going to spend the afternoon thinking about my personal brand.

Really?  Because you’re 17.

I don’t know if I can RT your stuff, Tremendous News. It conflicts with my personal brand.

Didn’t I just see a seven-tweet saga from you about your day at the mall?  Does that work with your shitty brand?

I really like what you’re doing with your personal brand, Tremendous News.

I tweet about my moobs.  I have a blog nobody pays attention to.  And my “fans” on Facebook make me cry.

This is some brand.

7. Because A Douchebag Blogger Will DM You In A Passive-Aggressive Manner.

Yeah.

I do that.

Problem?

(Let me know if you want to be on my list.)

There you have it.  The seven reasons why we retweet.

Now, after insulting all of Twitter for the reasons why they retweet, I’m pretty sure they’re going to screw me on this one.

My RT box will be empty.

Unless of course you RT this and fill my box.

Ha!

Fill my bo–.

Whatever.

That’s still funny.

Follow me on Twitter here.