5 Ways To Return Anything To Any Store.


So what if she has nothing to do with the article. Stop raining on my super-hot parade.

This weekend, a friend of mine told me a harrowing story.

It was about her, some chick-clothes, and this store, Lulemom.


Something with a lemon.

She went there to return merchandise that fell apart in the washer and the lady at the store told her to go screw herself.


I’ve had some experience in returning items to stores.  Mostly because I carry with me a strong undercurrent of potent doucheyness.

I want them to say no.

Then, at that point, the battle begins.

I become a fat William Wallace of Braveheart and wage war against the Customer Service Department.  They’ve oppressed my people for far too long.

My people.

The people of Poorville.

Here are 5 strategic tactics I employ to return almost anything.

1. Stalk The Counter.

Before I approach the customer service desk, I observe the behavioral patterns of the individuals fielding returns.

Look!  That dude’s eating a banana.  Bananas are rich in potassium.  He’s clearly a potassium fiend.  Constantly craving it.  Needing it like a crack addict needing a fix in a pee-stained alley in the South Bronx.

Instantly, I’ve exposed his weakness.

More stalking.

Look!  That chick has boobs.  Big boobs, too.  Intriguing.

That’s a tidbit of information I’ll store in my mind.

I like boobs.  She has boobs.  I’ve pieced together a vital connection.

Boobs and bananas.

It’s where you start.

2. Be Almost Offensively Polite.

When you first engage your target, you need to be polite.  Hide the anger that stirs inside you.  Craft a facade of niceness.

Hi Ted!  How are you on this fine morn’?

Good thanks.  How can I help you.

Well if you asked me a minute ago, I’d say you could help me by giving me a piece of that banana you just had!  Ha!  Gee whiz, Ted!  I always feel like I don’t have enough potassium.  Ever feel that way?


So how do you like working next to someone with boobs?  Great, huh?


Boobs and bananas, Teddy-boy.  Boobs and bananas.

3. Know Exactly What You Want.

Many people try to return something without knowing exactly what they want.  Do this, and you enter with weakness.

Think ahead.

Do you want a refund?  An exchange?  Do you want the individual to empathize with you?

I want the individual at the counter to completely shatter.

I want her to feel what I felt when I took that shirt home and tried it on.

Like a Boeing 747 squeezing into a halter top.

The devastation I felt when I looked in the mirror and saw my hairy belly pour out like Kaieteur falls.

My moobs jutting out like summer melons.

I want her to look at me, with tears in her eyes and say I feel your hurt.  I feel your hurt.  This refund I’m giving you cannot possibly cover the pain in your heart.  Do me right now.  My super hot boobs are yours.

Tweak it to fit your individual needs.

4. Don’t Pull The Manager Card Too Quickly.

This is where most people fail.

If they don’t get a refund, they ask to see the manager.

That’s exactly the opposite of what you should do.

See, banana-eating shitheads like Ted are empowered to do more than they let on.  But they don’t exercise the power unless they feel compelled to.

Ted’s manager, on the other hand, deals with yappy customers so much, he’s jaded.

The key is to seduce shithead Ted into believing you’re a cause.  Stick with Ted.  Coax him.  Work him.

Make him feel like he’s making the decision.

Even though he’s not.

5. Charm.

The key to returning anything.

People think they need to get angry to get results.  Wrong.

Completely wrong.

What you need to do is delve deep into the boobs and bananas of the situation.

Imagine you’re Ted.

What is he thinking?

I deal with hundreds of angry yentas a day.  Their cacamayme reasons why they’re retuning things.

This is my life?


Returning fucking juicers?

The only tiny light in the darkness that cloaks my life are my bananas.

My bananas will never leave me.

Strike at the heart of this.

“I totally understand your return policy, Ted.  You probably deal with this type of stuff every day. I can’t imagine how annoying this is for you.”

Then tap your nose twice.

Slide an envelope over.

“I think you’ll find the contents of this envelope rich in …ahem.  Potassium.”

Then you wait.

Sir, what’s leaking out of your envelope?

With that creepy smile, wait.

It smells like bananas.

Stare at that fat face of his.

Sir, is this envelope filled with mashed-up bananas?  You’re a sick fuck.

He’ll break.

There you have it.  Armed with these tips, you can return anything to anywhere.

Now I better return to my full-time job.

Being the mayor of Poorville.

Bathe yourself in my twitter stream here.  Feel my intellectual explosion all over your Facebook here.