5 Ways Twitter Lists Can Defeat Douchebags.


No iPhone app can make him less off putting.

As you read this, the world of Twitter trembles.

People unsure of the future.  People wondering what to do.

All because TwitJesus gave us lists.

It nearly sent me into cardiac arrest.

I know.

How alarmingly nerdy!

Lists are a way to organize people on Twitter.  To group them.  They’re public so you can see who put who on what list.

But that’s just tweaking the nipples on the real moobs of this issue.

Twitter lists can help us defeat douchebags.

Here’s how they can do that, in my douchey 5-reason format.

TwitJesus, the three-headed deity that governs Twitter.  Also, frequent patrons of San Francisco-area Starbucks.

TwitJesus, the three-headed deity that governs Twitter. Also a frequent patron of San Francisco-area Starbucks.

1. Lists Expose The People Who “Gamed” Their Followers.

In the long-long ago, when Twitter was just a tiny fertile playground for nerds to discuss null pointer exceptions, someone discovered a trick.

You can use scripts and programs to get thousands of followers.  The programs follow thousands for you.  Then, if they don’t follow you back, the program unfollows them.


Every minute.  Every day.  Until you’re following 100K and have 100K followers.

It’s like combing a dance floor for drunk chicks.

Which I’d never do.

Even drunk chicks are like let’s just be friends.

Now with lists, you can see how many of their followers actually like them.

If a dude has 1.9 million followers, and is on 4 lists, he’s a gamer.

The lists expose his pee-pee and wee-wee for all of us to see.


Oh what? You've never seen a Tremendous News tattoo on a super-hot chick? Whatever.

2. We’re In That Pleasant Interval Where Douchebags Haven’t Figured Out How To Ruin This Yet.

Soon, they’ll find a way to game this too.  Shill accounts, a bunch of vapid lists from the same person.

But they haven’t yet.

Bask in the fleeting moment.

Bask, people.

Bask or I’ll be pissed.


Douchebags are so pissed that they can't figure out how to game twitter lists yet. Ha! Look at his tiny package!

3. Quality Is Now On Display.

Douchebags think like this: I have 50 000 followers.  I mean something. I’ll charge people to teach them how to “leverage Twitter”.

Then they parade around the nerdy country, speak at conferences and become even bigger douches.

The truth is they don’t mean something.  You don’t mean anything unless people empower you to mean something.

Take my friend The Bloggess.

She has over 23 thousand followers, and she’s on over 1000 lists.

A thousand, people.

One list for every twenty-three followers she has.

Let’s do some quick math on my abacus.

That’s a following/listed ratio of 4.3%.

That is amazingly high.

That means people like her.

And I’m like totally doing her.

Run and spread that rumor, tiny friends.  Spread that rumor.


My PG-rendition of the Bloggess. The R-rated ones I'm selling on PayPal.

4. The Blue Collar Tweeters Are Empowered.

Twitter isn’t run by celebrities or people with a staggering amount of followers.

It’s run by the blue collar tweeter.  A guy like my intern Peanut.  100 following, 100 followers.

Well him and Britney F-ed Vids.

Britney F-ed Vids kinda runs Twitter, too.

But the regular, normal guys like Peanut are what mobilize this beast.

And they were completely screwed over in the last year or two.

Because when the douchebags followed thousands trying to jack up their numbers, guys like Peanut just tried to do it the right way.

With personality.

And that’s fucking exhausting.

But now if you take a look, tiny Peanut is listed on 7 lists.


That’s almost a 7% ratio.

Way better than most douches.

I’ll take Peanut over any of them, any day of the week.

I was going to put a picture of Peanut here, but then I got distracted by this bum tomato.  It's a bum tomato people!

I was going to put a picture of Peanut here, but then I got distracted by this bum tomato. It's a bum tomato people!

5. Now We’ll Know What People Think Of You.

Before people would call themselves things like “social media cowboys” and we’d just have to sit there and believe it.

Well maybe you did.

I though that shit was hilarious.

Now, you click on Listed and you can read what lists people have put that individual on.  It’s the naked truth on how people feel about that person.

Take mine.


How about you, though?  Many people consider you to be a douchebag.

In many ways, I am.  But I’m self-hating.  So it doesn’t count.

There you have it.  Twitter lists, if not gamed, can help us win the war against douchebags.

It’ll help restore the blue collar tweeter back to it’s rightful place on top of the Twitter world.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go shave my goofy-looking face.

hurt my feelings on twitter here or ruin my facebook experience here.