5 Reasons To Never Tweet Drunk.

I know this one person on Twitter who is a well-regarded ’social media maven’.

I won’t say his name.

Let’s call him Randy.

Through the day, Randy is informative, smart and helpful.

He tweets Mashable links and will assist you in finding a new Wordpress plugin.

At night, Randy gets completely wasted and starts hitting on spambots.

Randy is just so very randy.

I can’t blame him though.

I, too, have tweeted drunk.

I wake up the next morning all nude with the thimble from Monopoly in my ear and frantically run to my phone.

OK, I slowly heave to my phone.

Fat guys never frantically run.

Then I check the last thing I tweeted and it’s always bad.

Hey tweeps! Just fondling my moobs.  cc:@ev @jack @biz

Then I shatter inside.

So if you’ve ever drunk tweeted, maybe some of these lessons will help you.

Me drunk tweeting. Ladies? I'm surprisingly single.

1. Everyone You Respect Will Be Reading Their Tweets At Exactly The Same Time You’re Drunk.

This rule never fails.

There is a tiny faction of your following that you respect.  These people may have invented technologies, acted in talkies, just look super hot.  For months, they’ve ignored you.  Even when you tried really hard to be engaging and funny.  But the second you’re drunk?  They emerge from their nerdy caverns.

To judge you.

Now’s not the time to drop the C-bomb on Santa.

2. Tweets Live Forever.

I know you think deleting your tweets actually does something.

Ha!  I was quite drunk last night, let me just delete the tweet where I sexually propositioned Alyssa Milano.

Funny, because it’s not gone.

Just Twitter search for Alyssa Milano and you totally doing stuff to her.

Surprise!

All of your assholeyness, still right there.

Drunk tweeting isn’t the same as verbally hitting on your best friend.  That, you can deny.

You hear that, Rachel?

Stop making things up.

Yes, because this looks like someone who'll be charmed by a "social media cowboy" from Utah.

3. Twitpics Show Up At The Worst Possible Places.

You know your bum?

Twitpic-ing it and then sending it around twitter because you’re drunk might seem fun.

But those things are SEO meta-tagged or something.

Cached, I think it’s called.

Something nerdy.

So one day you’ll Google yourself and see your LinkedIn account next to your hideous ass.

Yes.

Because that’ll get you jobs.

This is how you sample a young 2005 Côte-d'Or Pinot.

4. Twitter Is Already Uptight, They Don’t Need This.

If Twitter were an anus, it would be plugged up by millions of make-believe marketers.

SEO consultants.

Social Media Strategists.

And Dave Coulier from Full House.

Have you seen some of the arguments on Twitter?  People are in heated debates over how to retweet properly.

That’s some nerdy-ass shit.

But it’s indicative of how uptight people on Twitter are.

If you don’t believe me, think of the Fail Whale.

Why do you think Twitter drew a childlike image of a whale being carried off by birds?

It’s to placate the anal-retentive.

To calm them as they’re notified they can no longer argue about Twitter Lists.

The last thing these nerds need is to see you comb twitter for sluts by tweeting that you’re “tworny”.

Don’t upset the anal people.

That’s my job.

5. There’s A Reason Why People Have Cartoon Avatars.

I know you think you’re drunkenly hitting on some good-looking people here.

Unfortunately no.

Twitter ain’t no hotness parade.

I know this for a fact.  Recently, I went to a local “TweetUp”.

This is what I learned:

A TweetUp is a place where you discover why cartoon avatars are so very, very necessary.

I walked in all fat and gross and terroristy-looking.

Then I looked around.

Devastating.

Suddenly, I was a young James Caan.

I saw this one dude with a hole in his nose.  I’m not talking about the nostril.  The actual nose.

A hole.

How does that even happen.

When you’re drunk, you’re hitting on these people.

Think about that.

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There you have it.  Send this article to drunk people hitting on you.  Drunk people, if you’re here because someone sent you this article, re-read everything I wrote.  If you need to hit on someone, do it to me.  You can follow me by clicking here.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this ass isn’t going to twitpic itself.

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Add me on Facebook or Twitter.

dee@tremendousnews.com