5 Reasons Why The New “Suggestions” Are Ruining Facebook

If you logged into Facebook recently, you’d notice you have a box called “Suggestions” on the right-hand side.

It’s where coolness goes to die.

Inside this box, Facebook “suggests” that you do certain things.

Like add someone nobody wants to add.

Write on the wall of a person you’ve been avoiding for months.

It’s a tiny passive-aggressive box of social instruction.

Which I completely hate.

Here are five reasons why this feature is absolutely horrible.

1. Nobody Wants To Suggest Friends To The Guy Who Only Has 2 Friends.

Facebook wants me to tell my friends to add this individual to their friends list.

Yes.

Because that’s what I want to do.

Hey Tom, there’s this guy I know who only has 2 friends.  He’s a good guy.  His smile exerts a warmth like no other.

Cool.  I’ll friend him.

Days later, Tom sends me this note.

Hey asshole, you know that dude you told me to friend?  Did you know his pubes are sticking out of his jeans in his profile picture? Because they are.   Also?  He commented on a picture of my 67 year-old aunt with “look add’em sugar tits”.  Thanks for the suggestion.

2. It’s Lame To Exploit People Like This.

Sometimes in your suggestion box, you’ll see a picture of a friend of yours and a plea for you to help them find more friends.

Devastating.

Facebook has changed their role as a social facilitator to become your over-attentive mother who wants to find you friends at any party you’re at.

When I was a supple young boy, my parents would take me to a family party and immediately my mom would force people to like me.

It never worked.

Instead, the other children would pretend to be my friend until my mom left and then call me a “tub of lard”.

Which is fine.  Because I literally looked like a tub of lard.  But I resented the fact that my mother would try to orchestrate my social connections.

That’s exactly what Facebook is doing.

They’re such tub of lards.

3. Some Of These Suggestions Nobody Does.

Suggest a profile picture to your friend.

Really?  When do people ever do this.

How creepy would it be if I saw this suggestion and immediately sent a message to Jason:

Jay,

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking.  I sifted through hundreds of your personal pictures and have chosen one.

This picture captures the contrasting blend of your kindness with your sheer manliness.

I trust I’ll see it as your profile picture soon.

Best friends forever?

Tee hee!

TN.

I never ‘tee hee’.  I think it’s the lowest form of Internet laughs.

But if I’m suggesting profile pictures to dudes?

I might as well.

4. I’ll Re-Connect When I Want To Re-Connect.

Being forced to re-connect with people comes with this ripe undercurrent of doucheyness.

Facebook suggests you connect with exes, people who may have touched you inappropriately and even, get this, dead people.

How does Facebook know who I want to re-connect with?

More importantly, how does Facebook know that these people even want me to drop my intellectual load all over their wall?

I’ll drop my loads when I want, where I want, on who I want.

Ha!

Loads.

5. If You’re Doing This To These People, Who Knows What You’re Doing To Us Cool People.

Every time I look at the suggestions box I say to myself Ha! Those people are so lame. But then I wonder what Facebook is saying about me.

TN hasn’t sexually satisfied a female partner since Perfect Strangers was in prime time.

Suggest a way for him to be less embarrassing.

Don’t laugh.

It could happen.

And Perfect Strangers represented all that was right with television.

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Facebook, stop suggesting.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go look at some sugar tits.

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Touch my moobs on Facebook here.  Shower yourself in my twitter stream here.

If I'm asked to suggest a profile picture to anyone, I'll select this one. I feel it captures the tepid mood of our varied voices.

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