How Facebook Killed Birthdays.

Posted by Tremendous in Featured Articles, Nerdynessdom, Technology. on 10 26th, 2009 | Comments

happy_birthday_to_you

I now play a sport.

My mom told me it could help offset my over-eating.

My feedings, as she calls them.

So I play co-ed flag football with a variety of people who appear to not like me very much.

Maybe because I wear these really tight gym shorts with my package protruding out of it.

Whatever.  That’s how you get chicks.

At the last game, one of the yentas on our team cackled something about her birthday.

Funny how everyone on my team remembered to message me on my birthday.  Well.  Almost everyone.

Then she stared at me.

While I was, coincidentally, feeding myself.

I can’t help it.

Ronald McDonald is my dark lord.  McNuggets are my life-nectar.

So I stared back and said you mean write on your Facebook wall?

Still she said, they remembered.

Please.

They didn’t remember.

The shitheads on my team just happen to log onto Facebook every day.

And then Facebook does the rest.

Hey thanks for logging in.

Guess what dude!

Remember that fat chick you made out with three weeks ago?  Hilarious. Okay her, Jack, your cousin with the BO, and your co-worker Joe all have birthdays today.

Dude, check it out. All you gotta do is head over to their walls and write “happy bday!” and boom.

You’re super thoughtful.

The douches listen.  They obey Facebook.

Happy b-day Jack!

How very pedestrian.

So today, I’m taking a stand.  I’m declaring right now, that if you have a birthday and I don’t remember it?

Fine.

Call me on it.

But also call out every single person that just left a sentence on your Facebook wall.

They’re not better than the people who forgot.  They’re the same.

Facebook will change a lot of things.  But don’t let it fondle the breasts of social courtesy without paying a price.

Take a stand with me.

I’m done now.

And these McNuggets aren’t going to eat themselves.

–

See my protruding package on Facebook here.  Read tweets about my protruding package here.

Share

TruBlood Beverage Exclusive

Facebook Page - Because You Have Always Wanted To Adore A No-Name Blog.

Twitter Wickedness - If You Want My Turds Of Wisdom In Your Stream.

Send me an electronic mailing!

For tremendous news every day subscribe to my RSS feed!

  • Rania
    So true. Thank you for that.

    I forgot a friend's birthday ("friend" in facebook terms; "someone I know" in real life terms), and she seemed to tell me that I had no excuse for not "remembering"- it was on facebook.
    There's nothing special about remembering people's birthday anymore. Plus I hate bombardments of birthday messages on the wall- they're annoying visual pollution.

    Facebook- a simulation of real life that can easily become a substitue for it. "Wish" someone a happy birthday. "Send" them a gift, a drink, or maybe flowers. "Poke" them. Recent news. Top news. What's on your mind? And you spend maybe ten minutes trying to decide what's on your mind and phrase it in the wittiest, most interesting way.

    Yes, I have facebook. But I've been trying my best to be more of a real person than a virtual person.
  • Rob
    @kevinrobb - grammar, spelling... kindergarten, grade school...

    So much hate... you're obviously not familiar with "satire" or "humour" I suspect. Perhaps even "English".
  • kevinrobb
    i bet your a myspace user too and all/ any of your friends think your a d bag.
  • kevinrobb
    who fuckin cares, i hardly remember my close friends birthday, get over yourself. dont add people ass friends on facebook if you dont want them to say happy birthday, yor a dumb fuck!!!!!!! all you people pointing out flaws ro facebook saying its terrible, then just get rid of yours, i hate you fucking people. your way or the high way always you selfish prik.
  • aliliebs
    soooo .... what you're saying is, I shouldn't be judging my self-worth based on the number of facebook bday wishes I got? huh. what a novel concept.
  • anonymous
    maybe you dont get remembered because you are fat and fugly
  • I guess since I'll have more Facebook friends next year than I've had this year, I ought to dread the deluge of "happy birthday" notices on my wall when my next birthday comes around. That may be something I can't control. But at least I hid all those stupid games...
  • Name
    You could just choose to not display your birthday in your profile. That way, Facebook (just like those so-called friends of yours) won't know when it's your birthday = no more unwanted wall posts.
  • I don't agree. I like being reminded of my friends' birthdays. I add the dates to my email calendar so I get reminders a few days ahead of time so I can shoot them an email in case I won't be on Facebook. But now that I know I you feel about it, I won't try to find out your birthday just to wish you a happy one.
  • Thank you for taking a stand!! "Remembering" everyone's bday on Facebook doesn't make you more special. It just means you have less of a life than those of us who can't log on everyday. I will stand proudly with you on this one! ;)
  • danita
    funny but i was seriously thinking about deactivating my FB account when my birthday rolls around next month. i was already starting to have anxiety about it..."who will remember?", "who will forget?", "who will make embarrassing age related comments?" plus i agree, it seems forced and kind of lame---even though i routinely do it myself as to not hurt anyone's feelings.
    ps it's Nov 27 btw (lolz)
  • Ha! This is great.

    I'm the opposite though. Although I've taken my birthday off of facebook, it still tells people on the day. I hate all the spam messages from people who I went to school with wishing me happy birthday.
  • I take partial responsibility for this post. Tremendous News was all about wishing people Happy Birthday on Facebook, until he forgot my birthday.

    I would probably never remember anyone's birthday unless Facebook reminded me. So sue me. How many people use calendar reminders, birthday websites, etc? No difference.
  • It's a lot like the way Facebook has wrecked sharing good news. By the time you see your friends there is no point in sharing anymore, they all know. I don't use FB myself but I've found the same thing with Twitter and I've heard or been part of this conversation far too many times:

    Person 1: "Guess what? I just [insert good news]!"
    Person 2: "I know, I saw your message on FB/Twitter."
    Person 1: (loses all enthusiasm for the conversation)

    As opposed to the old version:

    Person 1: "Guess what? I just [insert good news]!"
    Person 2: "Wow! That's so exciting!! Congratulations!" (gives Person 1 a high five or big hug, depending on relationship)
    Person 1: (Is enjoying the good news even more than before)

    As for birthdays, if you care you will post on their wall, tweet them, text them, pick up the phone and actually call(!), give them a gift, AND participate in their celebration if at all possible.

    Then again, for those who aren't really your friends in the first place (just acquaintances), you can subtly let them know by only posting on their wall.
  • Tremendous News I thought it would be important to share with you my morning Facebook prayer!

    Dear Facebook, I thank thee for making my day funner and letting me keep track of my 345 friends and other people I've never met. I ask thee to always remind me of peoples special occasions such as "Birthdays" and "anniversaries" so that I might make their day with my presence on their walls. Please remind me to send gifts and cards and applications and everything that might clog I mean decorate other peoples walls. With out you I would be a friendless, boring person with plenty of time to do many, many things that I don't do know because I spend endless hours inside your walls. May the Facebook force be with me and all Facebook faithful followers always... Amen!
  • Facebook gives birthday notices? Wow. Maybe I should have put my real birthday in there when I signed up. Guess I'll be getting a lot of New Years birthday wishes. :/
  • bethwarren
    I just deliberately went and wished 3 people Happy Birthday just to spite you.
  • TracyOConnor
    You know what I hate? Facebook has gone BEYOND just reminding me of birthdays and "helpfully" suggesting that Jane Smith only has 3 friends won't you help her find so more or help Alice X pick a profile picture or write on Joe Joeson's wall. And you know what I think everytime? OMG, they are so pathetic! If they don't' have any friends or pictures or wall postings, that's on them, not me.

    Then I realized, if Facebook is telling ME these things about THEM what is Facebook telling THEM about ME? 75 of Tracy O'Connor's 75 friends are really just people who mass accidentally invited her and can't figure out how to delete them. Why don't you send Tracy O'Connor a personalized message, all she gets is Group Spam from groups she just joined because her friends did even though she doesn't care to save and neuter strays in Akron Ohio.

    Facebook needs to MYOB, TYVM
  • janetvanderhoof
    So I am confussed is it your Birthday or not, and if it is Happy Birthday LOL.
  • Hahaha, bru you just made me laugh. Nice post, very true too. Thing about Facebook is its addictive hence the reason for it being the 2nd most visited site in the world.

    Shot for the post
blog comments powered by Disqus